Season 11 kicked off in the saddest way possible. They reminded us of how long it’s been since Season 1. “When I was six years old,” said the multitude of pretty young things, “I wanted to be like Kelly Clarkson.” Oh, great, so the contestants are all grown up to the rip age of … 16. One girl bragged about idolizing Carrie Underwood in Season 4 and carried a poster of her little child’s face dressed in pajamas – I can only assume the PJs had footies on them – and posing next to the TV way past her bed time. I, one the other hand, watched the meteoric rise of Carrie Underwood from my college dorm. Oh, fiddlesticks. Please excuse my mid-twenties crisis, Dawgs. It’s irrational and silly.
This year, the contestants are going to “document” their journeys. Goodness gracious. In the year 2012, everyone thinks he’s a You Tube star. One dude with big ear piercings told us, “American Idol’s, like, an icon of American society.” Indeed. Indeed, it is, young Einstein.
The brains didn’t stop there. The Savannah auditions boasted a recurring theme of successful people saying very unintelligent things. I hope this isn’t a theme for the entire year. Wait, scratch that. I hope this is a theme for the entire year. When our three esteemed judges entered the audition room, J. Lo and Uncle Steven were dressed as fashion disasters (mis-matched beige and a purple pimp hat?) while Randy seriously wouldn’t stop talking. Then Ryan, that mischievous imp, started the auditions.
Savannah didn’t particularly impress me. I probably would have enjoyed it more without the two-hour show. Nuts of wonder, I hate the two-hour shows. Allen even had the nerve to start up the treadmill around 9:30, making it next to impossible to hear the final auditions without turning my sound system up so loud that the astronauts could probably hear it in space. The judges handed out dozens of Golden Tickets – some of them deserved, others not so much. There were lots of young people, one sob story, one example of awkward racism, one dad who considered busting Uncle Steven’s lip, and one producer manipulated case of sibling rivalry. Ah, that’s the good stuff. Once upon a time, there was a group of nice people in Savannah … until Hollywood came and ruined everything. This … is … American Idol!
The Lucky Ones – Savannah actually had a large population of not-awful people. These are the ones we’ll see again in Hollywood.
David Leathers Jr. – AKA “Mr. Steal Your Girl,” AKA “Mumbling Mumbler Who Needs Subtitles Even Though English is his First Language.” But I digress! Davy Jr. is apparently quite the ladies’ man. He can sing so pretty that girls literally throw their boyfriends aside and flock to him. Fabulous. This kid already has the confidence to make it in Hollywood. Back in 2009, Davy Jr. actually beat out Scotty McCreery in a singing competition. He was bashful about it with Ryan, of course, but his eyes said, “Of course I beat that deep-voiced freak. I’m David Leathers Jr.!” I was surprised when Davy Jr. told the judges that he’s 17 because he doesn’t look a day over 12. Apparently, his stunted growth works to his vocal advantage. His audition reminded me of a young Michael Jackson, only not quite as good as MJ. Davy Jr. can definitely sing, but his voice cracked and strained in a few places. That makes me nervous because if that boy’s voice changes during the competition, he’ll be introduced to a world of pain. The judges felt no concern for that, though. They adored the novelty of the kid’s high-pitched voice and sent him straight to Hollywood. This gave Randy the opportunity to warble this gem: “You’re gonna go where Scotty McCreery went, dude. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow.” WOW.
Gabi Carrubba – This adorable ball of energy is a champion tap dancer. So she’s very ambitious. The teenagers on this show much have a special motivation gene. Gabi’s goal was to make Uncle Steven make that face he makes when he enjoys an audition. You know, the face he makes when he looks like he’s falling asleep. No, not his normal face. The one where he kind of nods his head, too. And twitches a little? Whatever. You’d know it if you saw it. That face. Gabi snag Maroon 5’s “Sunday Morning” for her audition. It sounded pretty, natural, and on-pitch, so Gabi’s definitely multi-talented. Uncle Steven even made that face. You would’ve thought he gave Gabi the world. I only hope that she turns down the pageant / dance faces. Smiling like a maniac makes her look like a teen-bot, and I want to like Gabi.
Shannon Magrane – I’m guessing that the producers don’t get a bonus unless they serve up a 15-year-old for Uncle Steven to leer at like the pervy old badger he is. Shannon was as perfect for the job as Kim Kardashian is perfect to promote long engagements. The daughter of Joe Macgrane, who pitched in the World Series for the Cardinals, Shannon is a volleyball player and fancies herself a soul singer. She dragged her entire entourage into the audition room, so right then, it was settled. Shannon was going to Hollywood. Her audition was good. The girl doesn’t lack in soul, but she needs to practice control in a bad way. Her voice went several places that I’m pretty sure it wasn’t supposed to go. I should just be impressed that she held my attention despite her mom’s decision to jerk around dramatically and mouth the lyrics while Shannon sang. The judges love families almost as much as they love wearing silly outfits, and they insisted on shaking the veteran baseball player’s hand. Then Uncle Steven, God bless his filthy little heart, opened up a conversation with Papa Magrane about the humid George weather. And of course, when Papa Magrane said, “It’s hot, humid, and happenin’,” the most logical thing for Uncle Steven to say was, “Just like your daughter.” Oh, my. Just … Moving on now …
Amy Brumfield – All you need to know about Amy is that she loves her boyfriend to distraction and lives in a tent in the middle of the forest with him. Yes, in a tent. It’s a nice tent, as far as tents go, but when she pointed to the little copse of trees they use as a bathroom, I honestly wanted to punch something. What the hell, Idol? If you can afford to find their little encampment in the forest with your cameras, you can afford to put them in an apartment. My theory? Amy wants to live in the tent. Hear me out because I’m not being snotty. Her boyfriend has jobs. JOBS. With an “s” at the end. The plural of “job.” Now the working poor are definitely a thing, but there has to be some sort of program to get those kids shelter. If the boyfriend’s mom is generous enough to prepare a cute outfit for Amy's audition, wouldn’t she also be generous enough to – I don’t know – help her son not live in the forest with the bears and the icky Southern bugs and the bad weather? So yeah. Something’s fishy about this sob story, and it isn’t whatever was provoking their dog to make sweet love to their mattress. The singing doesn’t even matter at this point, but I’ll cover it anyway. Amy sang Alicia Keys’ “Superwoman” for her audition. She definitely has a big set of lungs, and she sounded okay. I’m rarely bowled over by auditions when the sob story leaves me with more questions than answers, and Amy wasn’t an exception. She seems like a lovely spirit, though, so I’m sure we’ll see her again.
Stephanie Renae – This 15-year-old has wanted to be the American Idol, like, forever. Which in regular people speak, translates to since she was 8 and realized that Carrie Underwood was the coolest thing since iPods. She even sang Carrie’s ghastly coronation song, “Inside Your Heaven,” for her audition. It was pretty, so long as you ignored the nasally quality to her voice and the complete absence of vocal inflection. Uncle Steven and J. Lo believed that those things could be fixed in a couple months, though, so off she went to Hollywood. I’m in Randy’s camp on this one. Stephanie needs a little more time. She’ll get eaten alive in Hollywood.
Schyler & Colton Dixon – Poor Schyler. The pretty teenager traveled the whole way to Savannah to audition for the second year. Her brother, Colton, nearly made the semi-finals last year but got cut in exchange for that fiery-haired rainbow Brett Loewenstern. The judges, armed with the subtlety of an elephant wearing a kimono, insisted that Colton enter the audition room and sing for them. Like, I pointed out before, those three love families. Schyler auditioned first with The Script’s “Breakeven.” I thought she sounded wonderful. She had good range, good control, and just the right amount of rasp to offer something different. The judges smiled prettily at her perfectly awesome audition, and then were all, “OK, Colton, SING! Don’t give up on dreams, Colton. Sing for me!” And Colton was like, “Aw, shucks, I don’t know …” And it was obvious he was LOVING every moment of the attention he was getting. He wanted them to beg after cutting him last season. Then he sang David Cook’s “Permanent,” and it was clear that he’s improved since last season. It was a little too angsty for my tastes, all the tortured moaning and sad faces. I still prefer Schyler, even despite her stankface every time the judges ignored her in favor of Colton. J. Lo, who has a plethora of life experience, knew that this moment was very meaningful for Colton. So she left him with this parting gem: “But you know what makes you better, too? Pain.” Oh, how delightful. Yes, remind the boy of the emotional torment you put him through last year. Now you’ll have to grovel in Hollywood, too.
Lauren Mink – I was a heartless shrew during tent girl’s backstory, but the moment they showed Lauren directing her little choir of adults with disabilities, I choked up like a big sap. Lauren’s beautiful on the inside and the outside. She sang “Country Strong” with her sweet little twang that was timid but pretty. I like her unassuming behavior and natural singing voice. She was like a cool crisp glass of iced tea compared to Colton’s tortured can of Red Bull. Also: J. Lo, they are gooseBUMPS. Not goosies. Goosebumps. That is all.
Ashlee Altise – After the extended period of time I spent trying to figure out what was wrong with the top of her head (she was wearing a cap over her dreads), I came to the conclusion that Ashlee Altise is just a little bit insane. She was dancing and talking and laughing all kinds of nonsense, and my jaded mind automatically filed her away as cannon fodder. Oh, but no! Ashlee actually gave a good audition. She tackled “Come Together” with a big, confident voice, and her insanity kind of grew on me. I hate to be wrong, but I was wrong. Imagine that.
W.T. Thompson – Oh, where to begin? *Heavy sigh.* Every year, at least one misguided individual quits their freaking job because they couldn’t get off work to audition. Idol hopefuls, if you’re reading this, take this advice: Never quit your job for a reality show that will ultimately break your heart. And just in case W.T. wasn’t sad enough already, he let us in on the fact that his girlfriend is 6 ½ months pregnant. I’m crossing my finger that at least she has a job. Oh, and these people? They live in a house and not a tent. Just wanted to throw that out there. Adding to the tragedy, W.T.’s performance wasn’t very impressive. He can carry a tune, but I didn’t detect anything special. Soft-hearted Uncle Steven and J. Lo put him through, and once again I was left to agree with Randy. Hollywood will not be a good place for W.T.
Brittany Kerr – Gorgeous NBA dancer sings a 5-note range version of Joss Stone’s “Spoiled”? Give that girl a Golden Ticket, boys! I think Brittany is stunning, but I hope that she has more range to add to her cool vocal tone. Little Randy and Little Uncle Steven might be embarrassed if she doesn’t.
Phillip Phillips – It must have been super difficult for this boy to remember his full name when he was young. The last name is so different than the first, what with that “s” and all. Phillip got the pimp spot of the night, which makes sense because he’s kind of dreamy for a 20-year-old. Cute in a boy-next-door kind of way, Phillip works in his father’s pawn shop, where he lives in constant fear that the stuffed animal heads will mutiny. His first audition piece was “Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder. I wasn’t overly impressed with this one. He didn’t sound bad, but it was kind of jerky and over-affected. Case in point: J. Lo said, “It’s like you had electricity going through your body or something,” at the same time Allen called from the treadmill, “What’s this kid doing? Having convulsions?” I giggled at that. Allen’s commentary has that effect on me. Fortunately, the judges allowed Phillip to pick up his guitar, and he did a cool rendition of “Thriller” that won me over as a fan. I worry about Phillip, though. What if “Thriller” becomes to Phillip the same thing that “Straight Up” became for Andrew Garcia. Later on this season, you know Randy will say, “Remember that one time? When you sang Thriller? And it was really cool? Do you think, maybe, you could do something like that again? And by ‘like that,’ I mean the same thing.”
We’re Going Off The Rails On The Crazy Train!!! – In brief …
Pia Toscano doppelganger Jessica Whitely sang like a demon-robot malfunctioning inside of Shakira’s voicebox and promised to come back to audition in Texas. The judges considered telling her to save her money and time, but she ran out of the room before they had a chance. Ryan Seacrest doppelganger Shaun Krausman would make an excellent American Idol host (his impression is uncanny) but a miserable musician. Keep practicing your “Dim the lights!” delivery, and all might not be lost. Before his audition, Joshua Chavis said, “My biggest dream is to sing the National Anthem at a Nascar race. And that’s for my mama.” The audition went exactly as you’d expect. Somalian immigrant Mawuena Kwomo got the racist cut of the night with unnecessary subtitles and Randy’s condescending challenge to go out in Savannah and find people who thought he was a good singer. The only bright spots of this segment were Ryan’s determination to find Mawuena a fan and the group of little girls who insisted with wide eyes that he could sing. Oh, and the adorable old guy in flannel who asked Mawuena, “Are you a runner?” and later became his biggest fan. Then there was Erica Nowak, a whole bundle of creepy, who felt up both Uncle Steven and Randy and sang like a cow. Her best line of the night was, “Steven Tyler is my future ex-husband … *evil laugh* … he just doesn’t know it yet.” Yikes, Uncle Steven might want to smear lamb’s blood above his door at night from now on.
So that’s the beginning of Season 11. What do you think of the talent so far? Were the judges especially dumb, or was it just me? Tonight, they’re showing the auditions from my home state. Pittsburgh, PA, you’ve waited a long to time to embarrass yourself on a national stage. May the Idol gods be with you!
And now I’ll leave you with a list of things from the telecast that I can only comment on with a question mark (?):
Why don’t Southern newscasters have Southern accents? Seriously. This is a real question from me.
“They said I was emotionless,” said sobbing boy after rejection in the audition room.
“What is UP with this heat?” Ryan asked. I guess being in GEORGIA wasn’t obvious enough.
Uncle Steven characterized himself as “moist” during the montage about how much the ladies love him.
Randy the Wordsmith: “We came. We won. We saw. We are.”
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