5 Things that Suck about Being an Idol Recapper:
1. Maintaining the divine judgment that guarantees my opinion is always right. (Don't question this.)
2. Finding new words to describe Randy's critiques even though he has a vocabulary of ten.
3. Watching Idol even when it's freaking awful. (Seasons 9 & 10, you owe me.)
4. Jimmy Iovine.
5. Keeping up with your recaps when you're pregnant. (So, yeah, sorry about that.)
But Dawgs, I am nothing if not determined! I will pick these recaps back up, no matter how many times I doze off or how often typing rapidly causes a bout of nausea. Someday, I'll tell Rachel Jr. that I did this for her/him. However, if I expect to actually finish my recaps (as opposed to starting one and needing a "rest" halfway through), the format has to change. So prepare for more lists and less commentary! I promise you'll still be entertained. (I hope.)
Let's do this, shall we?
Top 5 Theme:
The 60s - Because, hell, why not?
Brit Pop - Because most of that music had absolutely nothing to do with the 60s. /sarcasm
Guest Mentor:
Steven Van Zandt - Apparently called Little Stevie in the "industry" by "people" and the only person on Planet Earth with the gift to humanize Jimmy Iovine.
Seacrest Status:
In case you were wondering ...
Judging Panel Status:
Uncle Steven loves everything, J. Lo doesn't know "The Letter", and Randy owns a sea anemone pin.
The Sixties Round:
Who's "Gotta Have It"? (Damn you, Randy Jackson)
Skylar Laine - "Fortunate Son" by CCR
I love Skylar's country throwdown parties more than I love watching Ryan Seacrest expertly navigate awkward televised moments with a nervous laugh and that bossy request to poor Kieran to "dim the lights!" al-freaking-ready. That's a lot of love, Dawgs. Skylar has grit and talent, and there's something vaguely therapeutic about watching her jolt like she's standing in a lightning field. And how refreshing is it to watch a young woman on stage who doesn't find it necessary to shimmy and shake in sexy ways and play it up like Jessica Rabbit? In an industry that sexualizes women to the extreme, Skylar is a breath of fresh, real person air. I want her in the final, Dawgs. I want her in the final SO BAD.
Joshua Ledet - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations
When Josh announced to Jimmy and Little Stevie that he was singing this song, I just said to the TV, "Okay, I'm sold." Looking cool in a retro jacket and bright shirt, Joshua did exactly what Joshua Ledet does to awesome classic songs - he made it awesome in 2012. At this point, Josh really can't disappoint me. I mean, I suppose he could piss me off by acting preposterously awkward with Phil Phillips again (more on that later), but vocally? Nope! Vocally, Joshua is an angel of the highest order. If Joshua Ledet had a baby with Aretha Franklin (I know, ew, but go along with it), their child would sing rainbows and pee unicorns.
Who's "Peaking at Just the Right Time"?
Hollie Cavanagh - "River Deep, Mountain High" by Tina Turner
Oh, I see it now, this strategy Hollie's been playing since she fluttered onto our TV screens in a blink of fairy dust one year ago. If you were the 20,000-year-old fairy queen of Sunshine and Gently Rambling Brooks, you'd play this Idol game just as wisely as she has. What other than her ageless wisdom could explain her sudden surge to the top of this sloppy heap of contestants? Hollie dominated the stage during this performance, even performing convincingly as a leader for the back-up singers. Even better, her voice was spot-on throughout. Okay, Hollie, you clever sprite, keep up the good work.
Who's Maybe/Possibly Not the Front-Runner We Thought?
Jessica Sanchez - "Proud Mary" by Ike & Tina Turner
It isn't like I get my kicks off by criticizing Jessica, Dawgs. I think she has a stellar voice. But in the game of Reality TV, she's falling so far behind. So let's give props to Jessica for shaking her hair up last night. That was cute. Also, Little Stevie really seems to believe in her. I just wish that I could believe in her. Jessica picked a high energy song that Tina Turner made memorable by thrashing around the stage like a woman on fire but also wore a restrictive white mini dress and uncomfortable high heels. Instead of running around, Jessica waddled/limped around, and that distracted me. Uncle Steven was correct when he noted that Jessica was starting to sing the blues, but is she really feeling the blues? IDK. This little dynamo will never be my favorite, and I need to get over my guilt. Sorry, Jessica Sanchez. Don't take it personally, but I'm just not that into you.
Who's Totally/Probably Still a Front-Runner Even While He Falls Behind?
Phillip Phillips - "The Letter" by Box Tops
The melody wasn't there, Dawgs. I get that Phil's an "artist" and "creative" and "only does what he wants," but damn it, I require a melody! God only knows what Phil found so distasteful about the original version of the song (you know, the one with a melody), but this effort just faltered for me. Sure, he stayed true to himself, but remaining an individual shouldn't negate melodies. The judges sorta-kinda praised and criticized Phil for having gumption, although it was clear that Uncle Steven totally preferred the original. J. Lo, on the other, was in the dark because she's never heard "The Letter" before. Nuts of wonder, J. Lo! I'd expect that from the kids but not from you! Oh, and FYI, Phil has a girlfriend. Ryan Seacrest can settle his ruffled feathers now. His girlfriend is safe.
The Brit Pop Round:
Best to worst
1. Joshua Ledet - "To Love Somebody" by the Bee Gees
Oh, I have such a soft spot for this song. Joshua's performance took an express train to my heart and parked there for all of eternity. But seriously, Joshua, I call BS on your insistence that you haven't heard the song before. If that's true, I fear that these child contestants are living in caves!
2. Hollie Cavanagh - "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis
Hollie was the only member of the group unafraid to pick something current, and I think she made the right choice. By scaling back Leona Lewis' bombastic original version, Hollie actually managed to show off her voice even more. I loved the quiet arrangement and the way that she calmly perched on the piano. Beautiful!
3. Jessica Sanchez - "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker
Maybe I don't connect to Jessica on an emotional level, but her vocals were stunning throughout this performance. When she split into her head voice, I got real chills. I may have gotten more enjoyment from the performance if I hadn't been afraid that Jessica would inadvertently catch on fire due to all of the open candle flames around her. Sometimes, candles don't add artistic qualities - we just call them fire hazards.
4. Skylar Laine - "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield
I adore this song, and it fit very well with Skylar's country lilt. As usual, Skylar exhibited the confidence and emotional connection that make her fantastic. Alas, her voice sounded a little strained at the end. She didn't screw up, but it sounded like she may be overdoing it. Vocal rest for you, Miss Laine. You'll need your voice in the finals.
5. Phillip Phillips - "Time of the Season" by The Zombies
Here's another song that I love. Phil did us all a favor by sticking to the melody, and I was surprised when he deftly managed the higher key. All that being said, Phil didn't bring out the big guns for this round like his competitors. I get it. Big performances aren't Phil's style, but sometimes I have the attention span of a gnat. On the bright side, coming in at 5th in this ultra-competent round isn't a bad thing. It just isn't as good as the other things.
This is a Hug-Free Zone!
Did you notice that some of these kids don't seem willing to touch each other? After Phil and Joshua's at-times cringe-worthy performance of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling," Phil attempted to give Joshua a brotherly pat on the back and Joshua threw a hissy. Boys, the original song was done by the Righteous Brothers. It's okay for two men to sing at the same time on the same stage and not catch cooties. What the hell was this? I mean, sure, Phil's weird, but I wouldn't deny the poor guy a hug.
Later, after the girls outdid the boys with "(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher," Skylar and Hollie went in for the group hug, and Jessica totally wasn't having it. Methinks she took Hollie's earlier impression of her - a vibrato-infused line from "I Will Always Love You" - personally. Either that, or her troublesome love for high heels makes it impossible to lean in for a real embrace.
Whatever the case may be, HUG IT OUT! Even Uncle Steven said so!
My Prediction
With Joshua, Hollie and Skylar delivering strong performances and Phil's current immortal status as Idol's Cute White Guy with a Guitar, Jessica may have to say "Au revoir!" for good tonight. The prediction site says that <spoiler>Phil Phillips is a goner and that Skylar Laine is sitting at the top of the pack. Oh SNAP!</spoiler>.
I know I’ve been the worst for missing TWO WHOLE WEEKS of recaps, so I’ll include my recap of last week’s results show in this performance review as a token of my apology:
Argh. That was one contrived week of Idol we just witnessed, Dawgs. It’s been documented before, this thing Idol has for spoiling a mildly entertaining phenomenon by being so obnoxiously dramatic about it that you end up hating Idol and everything associated with it after the cannon fire diminishes and the dust settles. Apparently, Idol expected us to be surprised when the bottom three was revealed not to be Colton, Phillip, and Hollie, but instead Joshua, Elise, and Jessica. Nuts of wonder, it was so obvious! I correctly guessed the bottom three by using two of my trusty criteria:
1.Follow the old ladies to doom. Where Elise goes, the bottom 3 goes. When was the last time America really fell behind a talented 28-year-old woman with real life experiences? Hollywood puts us on a shelf at 25! Everybody knows that!
2.There is no way in that big, blue sexist sky that Idol’s overwhelming voting demographic of women who like to look at pretty men will allow Colton or Phillip to encounter even a hint of danger before the Top 4. Where the non-threatening white boys go, so go the votes.
Was it fair that judge favorites Joshua and Jessica wound up in danger? IDK. What in this world is fair anymore? Idol’s been disappointing us for eleven seasons now. Let’s take off the rose-colored glasses, J. Lo, Randy, and Uncle Steven. Was it right that Jessica Sanchez – she of the vapid stares and robotic 16-year-old determination – got Pia Toscano’d at seventh place? IT DOESN’T FREAKING MATTER! The judges were going to use The Save. They KNEW they were going to use The Save. They’ve been saving this Save ever since they helplessly watched generic little Pia slip through their cold, dead fingers. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that The Save would be used in this situation. Hell, Uncle Steven even spoiled their decision before we learned who was in Idol Purgatory. Ryan was like, “Steven, please tell us how important The Save will be in this situation.” And Uncle Steven, with his glassy-eyed stare, basically blurted, “WE’RE USING IT TONIGHT! THIS SAVE CARD IS SAVING A CERTAIN SAVED PERSON IN APPROXIMATELY FIVE MINUTES!”
Uncle Steven: "What is this thing you call subtlety?"
And then the shenanigans really got rolling. Ryan quickly put Joshua Ledet out of his misery (which, THANK GOD) by sending him to the Couches of Safety with his fellow emotionally-detached-from-these-proceedings contestants. So it was down to Elise and Jessica. Ryan, loving every moment of his beautiful job, announced that Jessica was in danger of elimination, shoved the microphone in her face, and was all like, “Sing for us, beautiful angel! You must hurry so we may fit in all the BS the judges have in store for the remainder of this episode!” Jessica, bless her little heart, launched into about two lines of some song – which sounded horrible, just keeping it real – before J. Lo, Randy, and Steven stormed the stage and ripped the microphone from her cold, mechanical hands. “Are you kidding me?” J. Lo shrieked. “Go back to the effing couches, girl!”
Oh, fiddlesticks, let’s cut it right there. They didn’t even allow her to sing. I want you to take a moment and remember all of the contestants who sang their hearts out for the trio of indifferent judges who didn’t even pretend to deliberate over saving them. And how about those lucky contestants who received The Save in past seasons? Remember their bombastic performances, desperately singing for their lives. Remember the crowds gathering behind that contestant, deciding to join the poor schlub on his journey toward future Idol infamy. Think of the volume increasing in the Idoldome, the “safe” contestants standing and cheering, the spontaneous chants to save the fallen Idol. The drama! That, ladies and gentlemen, is the only good thing about Idol’s decision to bypass democracy. At least making them sing for their lives makes the kids work for it. What has Jessica, an impressionable 16-year-old sapling, learned from the judges’ behavior last night? That she’s too good to lower herself to the rituals that every other contestant has to do? That you can croak two lines of a song and be declared “one of the best singers in America”? Speaking of which …
Once the judges steered Jessica toward the couches of safety (into the arms of some rather unenthusiastic competitors), Randy opened his stupid jaw and started scolding America for neglecting to vote for “the best.” Ear of the beholder, Jackson! You get to yap at us every Wednesday during your critiques, K? Like it or not, America gets to choose who deserves votes. DE-MO-CRAC-Y. Look it the hell up. And then he started calling Jessica “one of the best singers in America,” and nuts of wonder, I think my brain hemorrhaged a little at the suggestion. Don’t get me wrong. Jessica is a very, VERY good little singer. She has a gift, just like the other contestants on the show. HOWEVER, if Jessica was really among the cream of the crop … um, wouldn’t she already be super famous by now? Like, couldn’t she have just bypassed Idol and Beibered it out to become a pop culture phenom? I’d like to introduce Randy Jackson to a little thing called PERSPECTIVE. Live and love it, Jackson. Live and love it.
But really, how amusing was it to watch the other contestants as all this tomfoolery went down? They didn’t care at all. It was actually kind of sad (when I wasn’t laughing) that the others gave poor Jessica the reception that most people save for Jimmy Iovine. Just cold, polite smiles, tepid applause, eyes totally pissed that the judges just pulled out all of this nonsense to keep their pet in the competition. PAINFULLY obvious tension, Dawgs. When Jessica wandered back to her comrades, it was even sadder. They all stood there awkwardly for a moment, and then Elise jerked forward and gave Jessica a stiff hug. It has to be tough to compete on Idol at 16. Unlike the others, Jessica still has to take classes, and I’m assuming her mother stays with her at all times. It interferes will all of the quality bonding sessions she could share with the others.
So that’s it. No more Save. At least that’s out of the way now. I give Jessica two weeks before America sends her packing again. But that’s not important at present. I have an entire performance show to recap. Yes, I’ve been remiss in my recapping duties, Dawgs. I’M SORRY! I’ve been very, VERY sick. At the moment, I’m barely eeking this post out but persevering because I feel like I’ve abandoned you. THAT IS NOT MY INTENTION. Please forgive me. So what happened after that crazy results show?
Well, it all started on a cold Wednesday night. Ryan’s hair looked especially poofy, Jimmy wore his Best for Dinner Guests baseball cap, Uncle Steven looked a million years old while exhibiting the motor skills of a child, and J. Lo showed off some distracting slices of ab. It was Now and Then night, which isn’t really a theme at all – I don’t know why they keep pretending this theme thing is real. Basically, the kids were required to sing one #1 song from the past ten years (ooh, challenging!) and another song that was featured on/inspired by/alluded to on Soul Train (which is pretty much 50-75% of the good “old” music that Idol contestants actually know). I felt like the first half of the show was better than the second half, but that may be due to my “more than an hour of Idol makes brain matter drip out of my ears” bias.
Idol had quite a challenge last night, cramming 14 solo performances into a show where the judges just love to talk and talk and talk and talk. But they couldn’t kick off the show without covering two VERY IMPORTANT things in the first five minutes. Primarily, the montage editor was tasked with rubbing America’s face in how ruthlessly it traumatized Jessica Sanchez. Just in case we didn’t feel “guilty” enough after Randy scolded us, we were treated to hazy shots of Jessica staggering backstage, Jessica carefully dabbing away tears while reclining on some couch, and Jessica mournfully watching the results show all alone in the Idol Mansion. Do you feel ashamed yet, America? DO YOU? Then Ryan shared a few words about Dick Clark, who passed away yesterday, and that was actually touching.
So let’s discuss how this surprisingly competent group of Season 7 contestants fared last night. Spoiler: Some of them did OK, while three contestants separated themselves from the pack. This Soul Train’s about to get crazy, Dawgs! This … is American Idol!
Your. Top. 7! (Part Deux)
Hollie Cavanaugh – “Rolling in the Deep” and “Son of a Preacher Man”
Ah! It seems that our mystical fairy creature is starting to use some of that wisdom she’s been cultivating since her birth 4,000 years ago. I don’t know why she waited this long to step up her game, but since she probably created music millennia ago by blowing on a dandelion and twitching her nose a couple times, I won’t question her motivations. Hollie miraculously escaped the Bottom 3 last week, and somehow, America’s support has rejuvenated her. “Rolling in the Deep” was actually good, which surprised the heck out of me because people have been sucking at that song on TV ever since Adele released it. Although Hollie’s voice isn’t all that soulful, she had enough power to pull it off without falling on her face. Plus, she relaxed enough to show some real emotion on stage, which alternated between anger and the self-determination of a prospective gauntlet thrower. Uncle Steven seemed the most impressed with Hollie’s transformation. He thought the vocal was “perfect.” J. Lo attempted to take credit for Hollie’s turnaround with a bunch of “See? This is what I’ve been talking about! You’re actually feeling feelings when you perform now! That how I became a great artist!” platitudes. Oh, yes, J. Lo. It takes SO MUCH feeling to writhe around half-naked in music videos. You are a master-class in Art.
“Son of a Preacher Man” was the first up tempo song that didn’t cause Hollie to buzz maniacally around the stage and alternate between wonky notes and screeches (see: What a Feeling). I liked her structured little dress, her hair, and that spark in her eyes. By the end of the song, she started pulling out all her tricks like it was the grand finale of a fireworks show. Just in case we’d forgotten that one of the world’s biggest voices comes out of a fairy creature the size (in natural form) of a twig, Hollie reminded us tenfold.
Colton Dixon – “Bad Romance” and “September”
I appreciate that Colton’s trying to stretch his range. I really do. Who makes big accomplishments without taking risks? Colton’s willingness to do just about anything to a song is both his greatest strength and greatest weakness. Sometimes, it works (“Piano Man”), but other times, it’s just a bunch of noise (“Bad Romance”). In theory, a rock version of “Bad Romance” could have been awesome. Alas, I’m going to take a pointer from Jimmy Iovine and say that the frenetic pacing of the song kind of steam-rolled it. There was no room to grow and WAY too much going on. Colton looked like a vampire who’s been interned for 200 years, got rescued by a group of emo pre-teens, and fell into a Hot Topic, where the clothes attacked his body and wouldn’t release him until he looked like an infinitely less cool David Bowie from Labyrinth. The judges seemed to love it, though. I just don’t buy Colton as a rock star. His eyes are too sensitive, his voice too plaintive. He’s far better suited to his piano.
So you’d think that Colton’s rendition of “September” behind his trusted piano would impress me more. But you’d be thinking wrong. His rearrangement of the tune didn’t bother me as much as the bad singing. No amount of dramatically placed autumn-leaved trees was going to save Colton from his pitch issues. The judges panned the performance for a different reason. They thought it was the wrong song choice, that Colton could have chosen a Soul Train song that actually played to his style instead of turning a completely unrelated song inside-out. I love the original version of “September,” but that didn’t stop me from appreciating what Colton attempted with the melody. He just didn’t sing it well.
Elise Testone – “No One” and “Let’s Get It On”
Elise is starting to develop her stank-face again, and I can’t say that I blame her. This woman tries so damn hard. She lays it out every week - her body, soul, and voice - begging America to give her a chance. And God love Jimmy Iovine for his awkward attempts at pinning down why people just don’t vote for Elise. It was actually very kind of him to avoid mentioning that the massive number of 12-15-year-old voters doesn’t understand people above the age of 21, although he’ll probably make me take back the compliment by saying something snide in his review of her performances in the results show. J. Lo, for her part, thinks that Elise’s smile wins America’s love. Well, if that’s the case, then she’ll get millions of votes for her performance of “No One.” She smiled all the way through it, a laid-back Earth Mother who just wanted to sing a song for us. It was a lovely performance.
But then there was “Let’s Get It On,” a song choice that always makes me blush, and everything went to hooey. As Randy mentioned, Elise was a little too pre-occupied with throwing runs and screeches and plops and ka-chings and countless other onamonapia into the melody. A few times, she just screamed like a banshee, and I still don’t know why. But then J. Lo made a big move for the Jerk of the Night Award and totally won with her critique. Her problems with Elise’s performance seemed to center around – I kid you not – Elise’s hesitation to fall into a full emotional breakdown earlier in the show when Ryan callously made her talk about her dying dog. Since Elise isn’t willing to exploit her heartbreak over a sick pet with America, J. Lo seemed to surmise, then she clearly refused to become vulnerable enough to rise to J. Lo’s level of dry-humping paid back-up dancers in music videos. Whatevs, J. Lo. Let the girl mourn her puppy dog in peace, you bottom dweller. Nuts of WONDER.
Phillip Phillips – “U Got It Bad” and “In the Midnight Hour”
Somebody’s getting competitive at just the right time. Phillip’s a hard kid to beat in this competition. Artistically, he knows exactly who he wants to be. He sings and performs straight from his bones every time, and that type of showmanship can’t be taught. Phil was BORN with his bizarrely awkward sexiness (but the sexiness came later), and a majority of the others can’t compete with that. Who didn’t fall in love a little more with Phillip Phillips as he croon-grunted (his style of singing) the Usher hit “U Got It Bad”? He had the band going, his weird spasms flopping up at random intervals, and the coolest arrangement of the night. He also received the night’s first standing ovation from the judges.
Later, Phil put on his dancing shoes and did his Phillip Phillips things to “In the Midnight Hour.” Once again, his performance was natural and unaffected. I think the judges are starting to realize that Phil is bound to win this thing. They can ride the Jessica Sanchez bandwagon all day, but nothing is going to stop the Philip Phillips train. There are two people who I think could make a credible run for the title against him, but we’ll get to that later in the recap.
Jessica Sanchez – “Fallin’” and “Try a Little Tenderness”
Are we still really pushing for this whole Jessica Sanchez thing? Ugh. I feel like that’s so Top 10 right now. Jessica isn’t lacking in natural vocal ability. She’s doubly blessed in that category, a pint-sized child dynamo with a voice beyond her years. Unfortunately, she’s sixteen. And not very interesting. Sorry. SORRY if this makes me a bad person. Take her performance of “Fallin’” as an example. At first, I had to get over the shocking reveal that someone had either ABDUCTED OR MURDERED MARY POPPINS, what with all of the umbrellas hanging in midair. What the eff, Idol? Technically, the performance was great. Sometimes her vibrato is a little take-it-or-leave-it for me (for you), but girl can SANG. Unfortunately, her movements are robotic, her facial expressions are contrived and unbelievable, and her conviction is SO not-there-yet. And the poor thing, she can’t help it. How is she supposed to GET that when her education has taken a backseat to becoming some Beyonce-lite superstar? Jessica never got a chance to simmer and grow into her talents naturally. What could have resulted in an organic performer like Phillip or Skylar has been stunted at robotic pageant queen stage. This isn’t Jessica’s fault! But it’s SO frustrating to watch.
The worst part is that she seems slightly aware of this disconnect, in a really young, naïve way. She really pushed out of the box in “Try a Little Tenderness,” a totally fabulous song that demands SOUL. God love her, she put every bit of her soul into that performance, shaking, thrashing, yell-singing. But it was like watching a little girl pretending to put on her mom’s make-up or a little boy following his dad around with a toy tool kit. Jessica was clearly trying to create a Joshua Ledet type of moment, but it just fell short. I’m sorry. I’M SORRY, Jessica Sanchez fans. Now, while the judges are all too willing to beat Hollie and Elise over their pretty heads with the have a personality on stage stick, their criticism of Jessica’s issues with the same exact thing is muted and half-hearted. You already saved her, judging panel. It’s time to teach the girl before it’s too late.
Skylar Laine – “Born This Way” and “Heard It through the Grapevine”
This is the performer that Jessica needs to watch. Skylar, like Phillip, is a born performer, and she has the voice to back it up. Let’s just start making a big deal about Skylar Laine now, Dawgs. That plucky young woman in cowboy boots is owning this competition. She is everything they wanted Lauren Alaina to be, only so, SO much better. It’s no secret that I never listen to country music, and each week, Skylar grabs my attention by the balls and won’t let it go until she’s damn well ready. American Idol, meet your own personal goldmine. Don’t you dare mistreat her. Skylar doesn’t bother trying to shove her style into unrelated songs like some people (ahem, Colton). She has an uncanny ability to find the country in everything. Did YOU know Lady Gaga did a country version of “Born This Way?” I didn’t. But it was fabulous! I would seriously pay the price of a concert ticket to watch Skylar sing and jam out with Idol’s hot male fiddler. (The hot female fiddler is always accompanying Phil.)
Then Skylar stepped it up even more with “Heard It through the Grapevine.” It was a hard-hitting performance and made me want to join Skylar’s party. I loved her dress, too. A real woman, wearing real woman clothes, singing real woman songs. When are the judges going to start making a big deal about Skylar? Maybe they already know that she’s a force to be reckoned with. Maybe they hold back on the effusive praise to avoid sabotaging her. Or maybe they’ve already put all their eggs in one basket and don’t know how to move them. Whatevs. Skylar’s a natural, and I’m totally in her corner. LONG LIVE COUNTRY!
Joshua Ledet – “I Believe” and “A Change is Gonna Come”
Rounding out my trifecta of front-runners is Joshua. Like Phil and Skylar, Joshua was also bestowed with the Gift of Awesome at birth. I love him so very much. Strangely, I never cared for his inspiration Fantastia. I always thought she sounded like a duck. But no, not Joshua. Joshua sounds like an angel mixed with Aretha Franklin. That boy was so happy to sing Fantasia’s awful coronation song “I Believe” that I didn’t even cringe when he started singing about rainbows. He scaled back on a lot of the histrionics at first, sticking to a strong melody before letting his fabulous flag fly at the end. He’s a pro, just the best sort of pro. In this season’s long-standing tradition, the judges just couldn’t stay in their seats by the time Joshua finished.
My heart started swelling from the moment Ryan announced Joshua was singing “A Change is Gonna Come” until his emotional ending. So much glimmered under the surface of Joshua’s control in the verses, a force of emotion that threatened to spring loose at any time. Impressively, Joshua managed to resist the impulse most singers possess to oversing this song. He let the melody and lyrics do their jobs and infused the music with pitch-perfect singing and meaningful enunciation. I could gush about Joshua all day, really. He’s just so precious to me. Of COURSE the judges gave him another standing ovation. Joshua Ledet can move mountains with his voice. I’m terrified that he’ll end up in the bottom three again. DON’T DO THAT TO ME AGAIN, AMERICA!
My Predictions
I think the judges, mainly J. Lo, may have finally done Elise in for good. I’ll expect Jessica and Hollie to join her in the bottom three.
Ah, what these non-theme theme weeks bring to the competition! Sing Songs by YOUR Idol week is basically a free pass from the endless gauntlet of public humiliation. The kids actually know their songs, the judges just CAN’T BELIEVE how many standing ovations they’ve given, Randy is certain that every young soldier is more likely IN IT TO WIN IT than IN IT TO LOSE IT. Redemption, moments, tears, brand new fancy stage props. How is Ryan Seacrest supposed to control himself in the glow of so much delight? How am I supposed to write this recap after spending an overwhelming majority of the episode in a great mood? This feeling, Dawgs. I’m not familiar with it. I can’t quite put a finger on it. Could it be … contentment?
It's HAPPY DANCE time!
OMG! I’m turning into the judges!
But let’s get real. What, other than the super easy theme, do we have to thank for last night’s excellent quality control? Why, Stevie Nicks, of course. There she was, sitting next to Jimmy with the same hair she’s had since before every single contestant was born. A rock and roll fairy queen transported from the blissful heyday of Fleetwood Mac, Stevie mothered the contestants in a way no one else could mother them. And of all the amazing things she brought to life last night, the most miraculous was her ability to make Jimmy Iovine likable. I don’t know? It was like one minute I hated the baseball cap wearing gas bag, and the next, I wanted to be his friend because Stevie’s his friend? She worked some really strong white magic on that man, I tell you. If only she could stay on the show forever!
Ambitious song choices and emotional performances were the trends of the night. I liked all but one performance, LOVED over half of them, and only cursed at Randy Jackson once (or twice). Great strides were made! THIS … is American Idol!
Your Top 9!!!!!
Colton Dixon – “Everything” by Lifehouse
*Spoiler: This is the one performance I didn’t like!*
I’m assuming the show aired Colton’s dead weight first so the audience could forget about his stunning mediocrity when the two hours concluded. Was Stevie serious when she encouraged Colton to keep his ghastly hair? Am I seeing something completely different than she is? This must have been a tester segment or something. If a viewer could make it through Colton Dixon’s supersized ego, then he/she was entitled with rainbows and unicorns of awesomeness for the rest of the show. Colton’s performance wasn’t the worst I’ve heard on the show, but it wasn’t good. His voice strained and wobbled off pitch several times, and the band severely overpowered him. I appreciate that Colton was touched by the worship song, but even the most meaningful performance can sound like crap. Strangely – although not strangely at all because the judges have yet to criticize a performer in the First Spot of Death – Colton got heaps of praise for his self-indulgent (you know Simon would have called it that) mope fest. Then Randy created some ridiculous narrative about Colton “throwing down the gauntlet” with that performance because he was “in it to win it,” and CRAP. Randy Jackson, why must you make it so hard for me to love you?
Skylar Laine – “Gunpowder and Lead” by Miranda Lambert
Back to the good stuff! Stevie told Skylar to really tell the story of the song, a moderately pointless suggestion because any country singer worth their weight in gold knows that telling stories is Priority Numero Uno in most circumstances. This did give Skylar the opportunity to address Stevie as “ma’am” several times. Nuts of wonder, I love that Southern firecracker so much. I want to be Skylar’s friend even though I know we’ll never meet. In case you haven’t noticed, Skylar is the only contestant this season who can consistently nail up tempo performances. Her “Gunpowder and Lead” was hard-hitting and energetic. We had to wait until the end to hear Skylar’s signature wailing range, but building up to it was a good time. The judges only had good things to say about the performance, even if Randy failed miserably at noting that Skylar is just as IN IT TO WIN IT as that skunk who performed before her.
Heejun Han – “A Song for You” by Donnie Hathaway
Someone’s been eating some humble pie this week. Stevie Nicks: Mind Reader theorized that Heejun makes jokes because he’s afraid of failing and being hurt. Deep down inside, we’re all a bunch of scared softies. So this week, Heejun was like, “I know I kind of lost my mind last week and insulted the show and pretty much every person who believes in me, but today’s a new day. World, prepare for my emotional ballad!” So Heejun sang a ballad. It was nice, serious, and showed off his buttery tone. I’m not sure if it deserved the first standing ovation of the night. The judges likely wouldn’t have needed to stand four more times if they hadn’t lowered their standards so much. Regardless, they appreciated that Heejun was finally taking the competition seriously. Obviously, Uncle Steven thinks he made the transformation happen with his public shaming of Heejun last week. That’s … a definite possibility.
Hollie Cavanaugh – “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood
DeAndre Brackensick – “Sometimes I Cry” by Eric Benet
Oh, poor DeAndre. He really tries SO HARD, but his performances grow increasingly tedious for me. Lots of high-pitched tedium, hair-tossing in the air, youth never realized. I liked the performance (sort of). He sounded good (compared to Colton). But really, judges, a standing ovation? See what happens when you stand up for Heejun? You end up standing for DeAndre.
Jessica Sanchez – “Sweet Dreams” by Beyonce
Stevie appreciated that Jessica takes direction so well. What she doesn’t understand is that Jessica’s willingness to be managed by less well-intentioned people like Jimmy comes at the sacrifice of any sliver of individuality. But no! I’ll attempt to banish my negativity because I thought Jessica’s performance was very cool last night. Surrounded by creepy red dream doors, Jessica delivered a slowed-down version of the Beyonce tune. Her voice was on-point, under control, and hauntingly understated. The judges loved it but neglected to give Jessica a standing ovation. But … but … I thought it was standing ovation night!
Phillip Phillips – “Still Rainin’” by Jonny Lang
Season 11’s inevitable winner is growing on everyone now. Even Stevie Nicks. Even ME. Not only did Stevie suggest that Mick Fleetwood would have chosen Phil for the band way back in the day, but she also called him handsome. Jimmy was SO jealous of Phil after that. The insecurity he exhibited after Stevie’s pronouncement almost gives him an excuse for wearing a baseball hat everywhere. Almost. I enjoyed Phil’s performance. His guttural singing fit the song well, and he seemed totally at ease with the band. Phil’s probably the most authentic contestant this season. The judges, poor things, had to get up off their asses AGAIN to give Phil a standing ovation. By this point, I know they were cursing their foolish decision to stand for Heejun. I KNOW it.
Joshua Ledet – “Without You” by Mariah Carey
Oh, this song. This song reminds me of a youth spent listening to Mariah cassette tapes (when I wasn’t listening to Celine) and belting along with her in the basement. I LOVE this song. Jimmy and Stevie were all like, “Uh, this is a tough song buddy.” And Joshua’s eyes were like, “Yeah, no big deal. I’m the best. Duh.” And Jimmy was like, “I don’t knnnooowww.” And Joshua’s sparkling smile was like, “No, seriously. I’ve got this.” And, boy, did he ever. I can’t stop loving Joshua Ledet, Dawgs. Every time he adds some gospel flair and shouting to a song, I’m putty in his hands. He cried at the end, too! Cried his very own tears! STAND, judges, STAND! By this point, it was evident that J. Lo, Randy, and Uncle Steven were SO embarrassed to spend that amount of time on their feet. Uncle Steven apparently has a foot spa under the desk, so every standing ovation posed a great risk to his tootsies.
Elise Testone- “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin
Okay, night called for Elise. I genuflect at the throne of a real adult on Idol. Stevie was so impressed with Elise that she insisted on singing a duet with the contestant during rehearsal. How awesome would that be to witness in full? Elise had performed “Whole Lotta Love” before, so she wore the song like a second skin. Her integration of organic rock and roll into her superb vocal control gave me so many “goosies” that my arms resembled a picturesque pond. Elise kept me on the edge of my seat the whole way to the end, when she tackled Robert Plant’s signature wailing finish. The guitars. Elise. The lights. Those pants that matched Uncle Steven’s perfectly. Nuts of wonder, I want to keep this performance with me forever! And the judges, of course, HAD to finally stand for a lady last night. Elise worked for that standing ovation, and she is rapidly presenting herself as a real contender. This woman won’t go down without a fight. One might even say that she’s IN IT TO WIN IT.
Group Performances
Colton, Phillip & Elise – Fleetwood Mac: 4 stars
Heejun, DeAndre & Joshua – Michael Jackson: 4 stars
Hollie, Jessica & Skylar – Madonna: 5 stars
My Prediction
Nuts of wonder, I don’t even KNOW, Dawgs. Um … DeAndre will probably be in the Bottom 3, along with (maybe?) Heejun and … (Gah! What the hell?) Colton? Do NOT quote me on this.
Tune in tonight to watch the results! What did you think of the performances? Do you think Jason Derulo’s bedazzled neck brace is hot or not? Who agrees that Stevie Nicks should stick around for the rest of the season?
It wasn't right. Heejun outlasted you? In any other competition, this would be reason to titter and clutch our pearls and gather with our friends and family talking about the shocking (SHOCKING, I tell you) results. Alas, this isn't any other competition. This is American Idol, the place where dreams come to die. This is American Idol, the social experiment that looks for reality TV stars in place of actual singers. Sadly, I'm about 4 seasons of shenanigans past getting flooded with righteous indignation every time America makes the wrong choice. It isn't that I don't want to care, Erika. I just can't care. My relationship with Idol doesn't work that way anymore. So, yes, I'm sorry that you were eliminated too early. I'm especially sorry that you got a drastic makeover - the only one of the group, mind you - only to be mercilessly cut the same week. Now you look like Veronica: Princess of Darkness, but you have nowhere to terrorize innocent sprites like Hollie Cavanaugh. That really has to suck. I hope you keep singing. I hope you remember that losing to a fake comedy actor on Idol doesn't make you a bad person. Remember Alexis Grace? You don't? Well, she was a contestant in Season 8. Very talented and very pretty. She got cut around the same time, and the judges, like a bunch of ninnies, didn't give her the Save. Matt "The Forehead" Giraud got it later in the season, and I'm really not sure if he's even alive right now. You're like Season 11's Alexis Grace, a truly talented contestant dealt the wrong hand. So, yeah. This story was supposed to be inspirational, but I'm afraid this will probably make you feel worse. Hmmm ...
Hey! You get to return to Rhode Island! I've always wanted to go to Rhode Island. And the world definitely needs a talented mobile DJ. Don't let the kicks get you down, sister.
Best of luck,
Rachel
Oh, Dawgs. I knew Erika was doomed, but that didn't decrease my disappointment. Even though Heejun's stunt Wednesday night was a blogger's dream, he didn't deserve to stay over a contestant who actually takes the competition seriously. Erika was the only contestant who really dove into a makeover. She took all the advice that was given to her. She transformed into freaking Veronica: Princess of Darkness. What else do you want, America? The judges didn't even seem to consider Erika for the save. J. Lo just gazed at the stage looking regretful throughout Erika's swan song. Would it have killed them to pretend to deliberate? Paula always used to fake putting up a fight for even the most undeserving contestants. No one else seems to have Paula's flair for the dramatic.
Anyways ...
I sped through the results show on my DVR, pausing to watch about 9 seconds of the group performance before my ears started to ring. Crikey, that was some awfultastic singing. Lana Del Rey gave a strange but captivating performance of her break-out hit, "Video Games." I don't know whose soul Idol sold to get that amount of art on stage, but maybe this explains Erika's transformation into an underworld creature. Then Haley Reinhart returned to flash some leg and sing her new single "Free" from within a bird cage. Haley Reinhart! Isn't that a smash? She sounded good, and I actually liked the song.
And that was about it. Just another results show. Just another exhibition of a broken dream. Just another opportunity for Ryan Seacrest to draw out a foregone conclusion for an entire hour.
Bonus: One of my readers hunted down the website of the people who make Randy's pins. Mysteriously, even the makers of the pin won't give me any answers. What IS it? I must know!
And now, one of the cutest kitten videos you'll ever see:
So last night was Billy Joel Idol, which is sort of hilarious because you know that 90% of this season’s children couldn’t name a Billy Joel song to save their lives. “What’s this music we’re singing again? The stuff that used to play on those things my parents call cassette tapes? William Jewel, you say? He was in the Beatles, right?” Thank Billy Idol that Billy Joel’s music is so adaptable. Someone has to teach the young Idol hatchlings about life, and no one does it like a sadistic singing competition.
Yes, Idol wanted the kids to learn last night. Tommy Hilfiger needed to teach them how to dress, whether they liked it or not. P. Diddy (Puff Daddy) had to instruct them on how to groove and not suck so much. Jimmy Iovine continued to teach them that no career can launch in the music business without being publicly humiliated and led astray by an overgrown man-boy in a baseball hat. Billy Joel taught them about life through music – not example. Billy Joel’s example is bad. Above all, the judges got to teach some tough love. ESPECIALLY Uncle Steven. Who is the undead pirate sitting next to J. Lo these days? I don’t even KNOW him anymore. Randy wore a new pin, and my eyes tell me it’s an actual RANDY JACKSON pin with green stuff on the face? This show is so damn weird.
Evil Randy Jackson wearing green-tinted sunglasses, maybe?
Hey! Remember when J. Lo and P. Diddy (Puff Daddy) were an item? Hollywood’s such a small, small world. I hope they still get along. Maybe meet for lunch once or twice a year. Talk about the kids, the gremlin J. Lo just divorced. Think about youth and 90s things. I bet their lunch dates are really interesting. I bet THEY know some Billy Joel songs. J. Lo’s a Bronx girl, after all. Bronx? Brooklyn? Manhattan? I think Bronx. And you know that little Jessica Sanchez and Hollie Cavanaugh are still like, “The F is Billy Joel?” THIS … is American Idol!
Your Top 10
DeAndre Brackensick – “Only the Good Die Young”
Tommy Hilfiger proved how “helpful” he would be right off the bat. He instructed DeAndre to let his hair down (which, duh!) and then told him that he needs to lay claim to a specific style. Apparently, that meant wearing a snow vest in a Los Angeles studio. Tommy Hilfiger: Dressing sad people in boring clothes since whenever. Jimmy and Diddy wanted DeAndre to have fun with the song, way more fun than a teenager singing Billy Joel should have. So DeAndre, God bless his naïve little heart, went out on stage and bopped around and had a grand old time. Vocally, he sounded solid. Performance-wise, DeAndre’s interpretation was like a vat of Velveeta. The judges gave DeAndre nice feedback, likely not because of his snow vest and maniacal grinning but because he was performing in the First Spot of Death and didn’t smash his face in with the microphone.
Erika Van Pelt – “New York State of Mind”
I love a televised makeover. Don’t get me wrong, Dawgs. What Not To Wear can be emotional therapy for me on slow days. But did Erika really NEED a makeover? She always looks so beautiful and knows how to dress like an adult. I don’t understand why Tommy desired a change. Granted, Erika’s hair-cut turned out very cute. The color, however, sort of made her look like Veronica: Princess of Darkness. Just being brutally honest, here. A little color cut into the black would have been fine, but now all I can envision is spritely Hollie hiding in the Idol mansion from Veronica: Princess of Darkness. During her mentoring session, Jimmy and Diddy basically told Erika not to try so hard. Erika, like DeAndre, takes every bit of advice given to her, so it was no surprise when she took the stage with a solid yet conservative version of “New York State of Mind.” I personally didn’t mind the performance. I think she remained faithful to Billy Joel’s version and sounded beautiful while doing it. Unfortunately, the judges have the collective attention span of a single pea and require fireworks and booms and bangs to give a performance effusive praise. Randy basically told Erika to stop listening to Jimmy Iovine, which is always good advice in my opinion. But she should not, in any way, transfer her trust to Randy Jackson. That way leads to heartache.
Joshua Ledet – “She’s Got a Way”
Were we supposed to take interest in the exchange between Joshua and Tommy about the way the former wears his suits a size small to achieve a fitted look? If a Tommy Hilfiger collapsed in the woods, would anybody care? Full disclosure, here: I freaking love Joshua Ledet. I love the way his speaking voice is practically unintelligible. I love the way he still craves crawfish from home. I love that he knows how to wear a suit without needing Tommy Hilfiger to instruct him. Above all, I love his straight-out-of-church, shake you to your core voice. Unlike the judges, I thought that Joshua’s performance was lovely. He tried to hold in all the awesomeness in the beginning, but when the Giant Idol Screen of Over-Ambitious Graphics opened and presented a GOSPEL CHOIR (Hallelujah!), Joshua let it all loose. He’s a delightful young man. Simply delightful. J. Lo wasn’t as pleased because she thought Joshua didn’t “feel” the music the way Billy Joel felt it. Or something. I don’t even know. I sure HOPE Joshua doesn’t “feel” music the way that Billy Joel does. Awesome or not, Billy Joel has a few issues, to say the least.
Skylar Laine – “Shameless”
Her boots. Tommy Hilfiger fixated on her love for cowboy boots during their entire conversation. She needed to play up those boots, he insisted, with all sorts of fashion. Naturally, Skylar ended up taking the stage in … black high heels. So we spent all that time on the boots for what? What happened to the boots? Whatevs. Don’t judge me, but I’m pretty sure I blacked out during the first half of Skylar Laine’s performance. All I really remember is the assembly of awkward teenage boys who clapped off the beat while Skylar posed on the stairs. First, I know, they found teenage boys in the Idol audience. But second, apparently Skylar was a bit off in the first part? Or so I heard. It doesn’t matter to me because she truly soared in the chorus. Why do we all keep forgetting what a powerhouse this girl is? Her voice can be boundless when she really lets it go. Skylar Laine makes me believe in country music. Like, before she came on the show, I kind of believed that country music was a myth, an old wives’ tale that Froggy 98 kept trying to convince me was real. But no. Skylar Laine has proven that country music exists for real.
Elise Testone- “Vienna”
I think that Tommy Hilfiger was trying to let Elise know that she’s a bit of a fashion wreck. Despite my general feelings of contempt for you, Tommy, I can’t disagree with that. When he asked her to remove the multiple layers of clothes she wore over her perfectly fine dress, it was like watching someone open a box with an endless series of smaller boxes within. I need to know why anyone would wear such a heavy scarf in Los Angeles. Sure, Uncle Steven wears scarves all the time because undead pirates are freezing due to their lack of blood circulation. But Elise Testone is fully alive. There’s no need for all those layers. I feel really sorry for Elise. Not because of her performance, which was nuts of wonderful levels of stunning, but because she’ll probably still end up in the bottom 3 this week. America probably noticed that Elise knows what a Billy Joel is and dismissed her in exchange for one of her fresh-out-of-diapers competitors. Elise deserved every second of her standing ovation from the audience and judges last night. Her voice was flawless throughout, and I still can’t get over that one run at the end. Her control actually makes me jealous. How horrible am I to suggest that if Elise transplanted her voice to one of her adorably weepy students, that creature would annihilate the competition? Think about it. I cannot tell a lie.
Phillip Phillips Jr. – “Movin’ Out”
Sweet, adorable Phil is holding onto his soul SO HARD right now. He will resist Idol’s every attempt to commercialize him! Tommy Hilfiger was like, “Stop looking so scruffy, and gray is the worst. Stop wearing gray.” In response, Phil wore gray on gray to the performance show. During his mentoring session, Diddy forced Phil to get his groove on and presumably conjure the powers to seduce ladies through a TV screen. He also made Phil put down his guitar. There was a really awkward moment in which Diddy made Phil sing to a group of ladies, and I’m pretty sure everyone left the room feeling a little dirtier for it. Especially Phil. In response to that, Phil took the stage with his guitar and let his voice do the seducing. I liked the performance. Phil’s cool confidence is refreshing. It’s so rare to find a real artist on Idol who is unconcerned with fame. Phil’s indifference to the game adds to his appeal tenfold. If he realizes this and is exploiting this indifference to win votes, then he is an evil genius. The judges pretty much celebrated Phil’s stubbornness. Considering that they have occupied vastly different opinion sets than Iovine all season, this didn’t surprise me.
Hollie Cavanaugh – “Honesty”
Can we drop all pretenses now and just call Hollie what she really is, a fairy? She LOVES sparkles, for crying out loud. Something tells me that when she thinks no one’s watching, she floats instead of walks. Tommy told her that she needs to dress a little younger, which was a little insensitive considering that he was speaking to a 5,000 year-old mystical fae creature. The cropped top and high-waisted pants she ended up wearing for the performance weren’t very youthful, either, so I’m not sure if Tommy has no pull with the contestants or is just stupid. Probably a bit of both. Poor Hollie really struggled last night. I’m not sure if she got psyched out during her mentoring session or if she truly didn’t know the song very well. Whatever happened, she was painfully off the melody in parts. The judges hated to admit it. I felt the entire world dim a bit as Hollie’s innate luminescent glow dimmed from the criticism. She’ll do better next week. If there IS a next week. (There will be.)
Heejun Han – “My Life”
Oh, fiddlesticks. Heejun! I know that people who take Idol and its contestants seriously have probably had it up to HERE with Mr. Han’s antics. I’ll even admit that he’s become a caricature of his quirky self. But come ON! Did you see what he did last night? Awfultastic or not, that performance was a menagerie of crazy that only Idol can supply. He spent his interview with Tommy Hilfiger saying he wanted to dress like Jessica Sanchez, Madonna, and Michael Bolton. Then he occupied his mentoring session talking all kinds of nonsense until Diddy couldn’t tell up from down anymore. Did we expect anything else from his performance than that strange false start in which Heejun proclaimed, “I wanna dance!” and stripped off his suit jacket? Wearing every color of the rainbow, Heejun ran around the stage, sang to the judges about not caring for their opinions, and totally devoted himself to making America’s head spin. And nuts of wonder, Uncle Steven was PISSED. Did you see how pissed he was? You’d think that a man who speaks into a microphone adorned with random flowers would have more appreciation for the absurd, but nope. He told Heejun that the music industry would kick his ass because he refused to take it seriously. LOL, Uncle Steven. The music industry will kick Heejun’s ass because he’s on American Idol. His crazy antics are just an extra bonus for the viewing audience. Should Heejun stay on the show after that performance? No. But will he? Probably. And since this is Idol, I just have to laugh about it.
Jessica Sanchez – “Everybody Has a Dream”
Tommy Hilfiger told 16-year-old Jessica to show some more leg. And Uncle Steven thinks Heejun is a disgrace to the show? During the mentoring session, Diddy told Jessica that he didn’t believe what she was singing. So then we all had to pretend that Jessica proved she could sing with enough emotion to make Diddy and America believe. It was very exhausting. But how about that vocal performance? Teen-bot or not, Jessica kicked that song’s ass all over the stage. Pitch perfect and beautiful range on display, Jessica definitely rebounded from her misstep last week. Do I believe what she’s singing? Not really. But then again, I’m just a cranky Idol blogger with the extra time to analyze these things. Jessica can’t really help it if her only life experience comes from dragging her family around America to different singing competitions. Her voice is still beautiful.
Colton Dixon – “Piano Man”
SOMEONE is touchy about his ugly skunk hair. He actually called that mass of human fur atop his head his “baby.” Ew, Colton. Insight is definitely needed in this situation. But let’s talk about how Mr. Whiny McEmoPants made a move on Phil Phillips’ claim to this year’s Idol title. Anyone who remembers Kris Allen (remember him?) can’t deny that America has a soft spot for sensitive boys breaking down sensitive songs at the piano. And despite my hate/hate relationship with Colton’s tone, I actually enjoyed this performance. He’s still a Grade A douche to me, but that was a lovely arrangement of the one Billy Joel song that everybody knows. I was a little surprised when the judges failed to give Colton a standing ovation. They used to eat up stuff like that. Doesn’t matter, though. Thousands of pre-teen hearts melted during that performance, and now young girls will be pursuing other young boys with bad hair. The future does not bode well for us.
My Predictions
I think Erika’s in trouble. It isn’t fair, but her appearance in the Bottom 3 so often doesn’t lend much hope. We’ll throw Heejun and Elise in the Bottom 3, too, but I’m always so wrong about these things. I wouldn’t bet on my predictions. Perhaps they’ll use the Judges’ Save tonight! Oh, my! It’s like the drama is ACTUALLY WRITTEN INTO THE SHOW.
Who were your favorites last night, Dawgs? Who do you think will go home? Any theories on Randy’s pin? I still think it’s a pin of his face. Randy Jackson is the only person on earth who would wear a Randy Jackson pin. Proven fact.
Okay, Dawgs. I can’t move on with this recap without addressing the 8-foot (Formerly) Gentle Giant in the room. He’s been growling and kicking up dirt since yesterday morning, and it’s seriously time for him to GO. So, unlike American “Let’s Draw Things out until We Regain Every Last Cent of Our Investment” Idol, I’ll start with the bad/good news first. Jermaine Jones, the man who cries three tears and washes out an entire village, was disqualified from the show. Strangely, the whole awkward process of telling Jermain buh-bye was captured on camera and aired for all of America to shake their heads in condemnation or sadness. It actually made me feel a little sorry for Jermaine. How would you feel to walk into a room with two disapproving British men and have your embarrassing past revealed on camera? There sat Nigel Lythgoe and Ken Warwick, frowny faces at the ready, reading Jermaine’s outstanding charges to the man like he needed a review of his own criminal record. Ken was all like, “Bloody hell, chap, we have lots of kids come to us with problems. We accept them all like our own bleeding children. But you lied, Mr. Jones. You lied, and I can’t associate with liars.” And Jermaine knew he was totally doomed. He made a half-hearted attempt to explain away the violent crime and then was all, “I didn’t want you to judge me.” And Nigel was like, “You’ve put us in a very awful position. Just the worst. Law enforcement officials want you, and we can’t legally keep you on the show. So I’m sorry to say that we’ll be letting you go.”
Biggest surprise of the night? Jermaine didn’t cry a single tear. Nuts of wonder, he about blew a lid and took out half the audience when the judges gave his performance mild criticism last week. But when the producers basically told him that he was probably going to jail, Jermaine barely even flinched. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I know the whole Gentle Giant thing was a producer-manipulated act, but is it possible all the tears were an act, too? Wow, Jermaine, feel my American disapproval through the computer screen. Sadly, we never got to watch Jermaine’s full performance of “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tail. It probably would have been awesome. Unfortunately, lying convicts cannot prosper on America’s favorite singing competition.
As Ryan said, “When you’re doing a live show, anything can happen. THIS … is American Idol!”
The Top 11 Sing Horrible Songs from the Years They Were Born
You know, there are a lot of songs released every year. Why in Ryan Seacrest’s name did this season’s batch of Pretty Young Things struggle to find any good songs? Even Randy couldn’t believe they were all collectively so dumb!
Phil Phillips Jr. – “Hard to Handle” (1990)
So this kid’s always sick, isn’t he? His parents talked about how he was born with “dead bowels” or something and almost died as a baby. He’s fine now, by the way. Just in case you were worrying. Then last week, Phil had surgery because of complications with his kidney stones. I hope he feels better soon because he looked very pale last night. I enjoyed Phil’s performance. He’s dependably consistent in his strange ways, and I like that. And really, his face always looks funny while singing, so his pain wasn’t too obvious. The judges loved it, of course, fascinated by the ease with which Phil performs. “It just comes out of you … It’s all over you,” J. Lo said, presumably referring to the music in him. (I hope.)
Jessica Sanchez – “Turn the Beat Around” (1995)
Did I mention that Will.i.am is squatting at Idol headquarters again? He is! Last year, he lingered around for at least three months or so. I felt like he’d never leave. He LOVED Jessica so much that he gave her a nickname, “Swaggernaut,” and this is the last time I’ll ever mention it. I don’t care HOW many times Ryan uses it. When Jessica was a baby, she was a bit of a nightmare. “I was such a little diva,” she laughed, and then her parents were like, “She was the worst. EVER. She used to make herself cry hard enough to faint. F my life.” So this song was a bit of a mess for young Jessica; it didn’t fit her at all. Vocally, she sounded great, but as Uncle Steven and J. Lo noted, her rhythms were all off. And on the subject of Uncle Steven, whoa Nelly! Did he take Clarity Pills last night? Some of his critiques were downright biting. “Sometimes you strayed from the rhythm, which was a little shady,” he told Jessica. Shady. SHADY? Like Jessica was beating down acquaintances on the street with Jermaine Jones? Freaking awesome, Uncle Steven. After receiving her first ever wrist-slap from the judges, Jessica complained to Ryan that she didn’t have a great choice of songs. Girl, please! I just Googled “songs from 1995” and found about ten songs I could sing on command on the Billboard Top 100 list.
Heejun Han – “Right Here Waiting” (1989)
Heejun may be the only person on Earth to cause Will.i.am to swell up with righteous indignation. Settle down, Will.iam! All Heejun wanted was Fergie’s number. Granted, I can’t imagine a person in their right mind who would WANT Fergie’s number for real. But I digress. It pains me to admit that this song was a huge blunder for Heejun. He sounded breathy throughout, and his pitch was sorely off for the first half of the song. I’ll give him credit for pulling it together near the end, but overall, this was probably Heejun’s worst performance to date. It was nice of him to sing to his girlfriend (20% to J. Lo and 10% to Fergie), though. I like it when Idol reminds us that these kids are real people with real girlfriends and feelings.
Elise Testone – “Let’s Stay Together” (1983)
According to her parents, Elise was a little hellion as a child. Her mom once had to save her from the ocean. Elise has never been the same since. Determined to hit the stage with a new positive attitude, Elise chose a song that fit her like a glove. She assured America that her performance would put people in the mood to make babies. Ew, Elise. Stop that. Great performance, though. Her rasp and control were on full display, and I like the way she built on the song. The judges loved it, and Randy about went crazy screaming, “Elise is back!” For the 82nd time this season, he compared a contestant to Janis Joplin, and no. That doesn’t fit. Stop trying to put random people in your Janis box, Randy.
DeAndre Brackensick – “Endless Love” (1994)
BWAHAHAHAHA! This song, Jimmy Iovine? REALLY? Poor DeAndre. DeAndre’s first choice was to sing “Can You Feel the Love Tonight,” but Will.i.am was all, “Hell to the no!” And then DeAndre got saddled with a song he clearly didn’t know. These poor kids have no balls when they come up against that creepster in a baseball cap. Fight for your rights, DeAndre! Dressed as an Oxford professor in a strange tan suit, DeAndre looked uncomfortable singing the Vandross/Carey hit. The only reason I know this song is because my mother LOVED this sappy music back in the Nineties, and since I spent almost all of my time with her, that music is now permanently engrained in my mind. But DeAndre was just a sapling when “Endless Love” came out, and I doubt he felt like he was missing much. The judges clearly felt sorry for him, but DeAndre took it like a little man and didn’t blame Jimmy for his despair. I would have blamed Jimmy. Always blame Jimmy.
Shannon Magrane – “One Fine Day” (1995)
When Will.i.am tells a contestant, “You’re going to fail,” that contestant should probably take note. God love Shannon and her determination to practice breathing and singing on her back. She’s an earnest young giant, that one. After last week’s Whitney debacle, Shannon definitely sounded better. She didn’t sound particularly GOOD, but most 16-year-olds don’t when they try to emulate Mariah. The song was a little too ambitious for her. The judges enjoyed the performance, though. I think Randy was just excited to name-drop Mariah again. He LOVES name-dropping that diva.
Colton Dixon – “Broken Heart” (1991)
Colton was very proud of choosing an obscure song for his performance. I haven’t jumped on the Colton bandwagon yet, but if I ever do, I suppose that might impress me someday. The skunk-haired rocker used to play baseball but ended up quitting to pursue his music. I love how the contestants had the foresight to make these BIG DECISIONS at the age when most of us can’t choose between chicken nuggets and grilled cheese on a menu. Okay, then, Colton. His voice, while still nasally, sounded much better this week than last week. He sang on pitch for the most part and worked the stage with his skinny chicken legs. Nuts of wonder, that boy’s legs. I eat a piece of toast, and it goes straight to my thighs. Colton could probably eat all of Joshua’s crawfish and not gain a pound. J. Lo and Randy approved of the performance, but Uncle Steven once again turned strangely critical. He thought the song was “wrong for his voice and passion.”
Erika Van Pelt – “Heaven” (1985)
1985 is the best year EVER! Yay, Erika! Her goal was to infuse some rock and roll into the poppy Bryan Adams tune. I thought she did a nice job. Erika is consistent like Phil. Her voice never fails to distinguish her from the competition. But Uncle Steven (OMG) wasn’t feeling it (OMG). “I think you were too busy all over it,” he complained. Then J. Lo took the opportunity to make a Janis comparison, and seriously, I want to throw that comparison out a twenty-storey window.
Skylar Laine – “Love’s Sneaking Up on You” (1994)
As a child, Skylar used to bang her head on everything – sidewalks, walls, the whole shebang. Fortunately, all that head trauma hasn’t made her any dumber. When Jimmy and Will.i.am started throwing different song choices at her, Skylar was just like, “Mmm, no. I’ll stick with my choice. K, thanks.” GOOD CHOICE, SKYLAR! Sure, this wasn’t her most riveting performance, but the girl really shines in her country/rock genre. “If I gotta keep it real, I gotta say that you killed it,” J. Lo raved after the performance. It’s hard not to fall in love with Skylar Laine.
Joshua Ledet – “When a Man Loves a Woman” (1992)
Before I get to Joshua’s OMG! Stellar performance, let’s talk crawfish. Ryan Seacrest gives the best freaking gifts. Joshua’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. And how about those poor tween girls they dragged up on stage? They couldn’t even muster the slightest bit of false enthusiasm about the crawfish. It’s like they expected the crawfish to come back to life and pinch out their eyeballs. I love how Joshua’s mom admitted that she wouldn’t let him sing in church because he was a “rascal.” At the age of 12, his dad finally gave in, and Joshua’s been singing ever since. Now, most times when Will.i.am goes GAGA over a contestant, I’m skeptical. This time, however, Idol’s resident squatter hit the nail on the head. Joshua sang the living hell out of that song. Halfway through the performance, he stripped off his jacket, and I won’t lie, I was worried that the show would take a dark turn at that moment. BUT IT DIDN’T. YOUR CHILD’S EYES ARE STILL SAFE! When the judges stood as Joshua hit the big part, it was obvious that the Southern gospel singer had nabbed the night’s Moment™. It even returned Uncle Steven to his old, incomprehensible ways. “You gave it up so big, God came through your eyes, man.” Do you think Uncle Steven sees things that the rest of us don’t see? Like ghosts? And Randy Jackson’s worth as a judge on Idol?
Hollie Cavanaugh – “The Power of Love” (1993)
Hollie’s parents are seriously the most awesome people. First, her dad introduced HIMSELF as “Hollie Cavanaugh,” which launched his wife and him into an adorable British giggle fit. Then her mom busted Hollie for being a sloppy mess, and her dad mentioned that HER BATHROOM IS THE WORST. OMG. He mentioned Hollie’s toilet place on TV. Best parents ever! So Hollie chose a Celine Dion song, which worked for her because she sounds remarkably similar to the French-Canadian chanteuse. It still floors me when that huge voice comes out of Hollie’s miniature sprite body. Will.i.am accused her of carrying amplifiers in her pockets, but that can’t be. Hollie’s so tiny that her pockets are probably the size of houseflies. What kind of amplifier would fit in them? There were a few minor issues, including the botched final note. I think she psyched herself up too much for it and ended up straining a bit. But overall, Hollie’s definitely one to watch. Randy thought she “blew it out the box,” and the English language cried another single tear over his destruction of it.
The Results
I’m sorry. I’M SORRY. I had a really crazy day yesterday and didn’t finish my recap. Then I missed the results show. So this is what I’m going to do, and you have to believe me because people are always honest on the Internet. (LOL)
My predictions for the Bottom 3 (without watching the results show, I swear) are: Heejun, DeAndre, and Shannon. I honestly can’t figure out who went home, but I don’t think it was Heejun. His personality will probably get him by for a few weeks.
So let’s see if my predictions are even close! *Scampers off to read results on EW.com*
Complimentary kitten video for your wait
*Scampers back*
And … Shannon’s a goner. Well, that wasn’t surprising AT ALL. However … WHAT THE HELL, AMERICA? Why do we hate women in their mid to late 20’s? Elise and Erika did not deserve to be in the bottom 3. Nuts of WONDER.
So that’s how the fat lady sang and all that jazz. I promise to return to my regular format next week. I PROMISE. How do you feel about the results? Why does America hate women of my age? I need to know!
Have a great weekend, Dawgs! And remember, if you commit a crime, tell the police your real name. If you give a fake name, DON’T GO ON AMERICAN IDOL!
