Alright, kids, take down the party lights. Sweep up the confetti. Hide that keg before mom and dad get home. The party’s over now because Randy Jackson says so. (You may keep the balloons, though. Balloons are OK.)
Remember Tuesday night, that oh-so-long-ago time when the judges heaped all kinds of blind praise on the men-folk contestants? Well, that’s totally over now! The women-folk wouldn’t be getting off easy last night. Oh, no. It was time to get serious. You know, Randy, toughening up your critiques is a good idea. I get that. But for the sake of Ryan Seacrest, must the criticism be so lop-sided? In case Randy’s been asleep for the last five years, I’ll fill him in a little secret: America has an issue with voting for girls. Grrr, my inner-feminist wants to smack him upside the head SO HARD for being like, “Yeah, we probably should’ve been tougher on the guys last night. They weren’t that great, and we acted like they were releasing musical angels from their mouths. But ladies, LADIES, you better step it up because I’m NOT playing around anymore. SING WELL OR GO HOME!”
I’m not saying that I believe in blindly praising anyone on the show. This nice-guy panel of judges needs to grow some sharp teeth soon. However, if you’re going to blindly praise one gender, then in the spirit of fairness, the same courtesy should be extended to the other gender. I don’t know. Maybe I’m freaking out about nothing. Maybe I’m totally over-reacting. But Randy just pushes my buttons sometimes, you know? You know.
Lots of lovely ladies, dressed up in sparkles and impossibly tight bodices, graced the Idol stage last night. Some of them may have been gunning for a wardrobe malfunction, I think, because certain things seemed to be spilling out of bodices. So, yeah, the girls brought their A-Game to the stage. Overall, they matched up pretty evenly with the guys. Dare I suggest that they might be a bit better? The male contestants were in very high spirits during the taping. I bet the girls feel guilty for neglecting to chant the boys’ names after particularly good performances. Jeremy Rosado must have been behind the kindness. Jer-Bear is a gentleman AND a scholar (and a bear).
This … is … American Idol!
Most Likely to Make the Top 5
Skylar Laine – “Stay with Me”
Halfway through Skylar’s performance, I turned to Allen and said, “I want to be just like her when I grow up.” There’s no denying that the 18-year-old from Brandon, Mississippi is a firecracker. No one else had her swagger on stage, and she fared best out of anyone with an up-tempo song. I feel like Skylar has to be extra entertaining because if she just focused on her family’s sad, strange little market in that ramshackle white building, she’d probably go crazy. That place is so peculiar, isn’t it? They call it a grocery store, but it looks like a deli with a hand-written menu posted on the wall. Maybe “grocery store” means something different in Mississippi. Regardless, Skylar’s one of my favorites. Her appeal is undeniable, and she has a powerful country voice in that tiny body. Randy couldn’t even believe Skylar’s skills. “You’re like the rockin’ country girl!” Then he name dropped Travis Tritt because, holy cow, this is RANDY JACKSON we’re talking about. In the night’s first segment of Ryan Discussing with Ladies How Clothes Fit Them, Skylar commented, “This dress is really tight. I can’t even talk.” THAT’S TOO TIGHT! Someone must be held accountable for that.
Hollie Cavanaugh – “Reflection”
This 18-year-old claims to be from Texas, but let’s just be honest and recognize that she CLEARLY originates from Ireland. I don’t know how we’d ever tell with her mega-strong accent or anything, but the leprechaun had to come out of the pot of gold. (That’s Irish speak for “cat had to come out of the bag.” You’re welcome.) Anyway, Hollie’s just this delicate, whimsical sprite of a person. She’s all fair and blonde with these big eyes and wispy body. She’s a fairy, basically. I’m fascinated by her. I wonder if she showers the other contestants with fairy dust for luck. For a tiny girl, Hollie’s voice packs a huge punch. She handled a Christina Aguilera song with zest and aplomb. That isn’t an easy feat for a sprite, Dawgs. Uncle Steven creeped out on Hollie a little bit, asking her to take her hair down next time. Ew, no, Uncle Steven. Her hair looked fine. J. Lo mentioned that she believes Hollie can win the season, and then she used the word “do” twice in succession, causing Randy’s brain to short-circuit for the night.
Shannon Magrane – “Light Your World”
Remember that time Uncle Steven made an inappropriate remark about Shannon in front of her gigantic ex-MLB player papa? So does Idol. Nuts of wonder, Idol. Stop tempting us with a death match between Papa Magrane and Uncle Steven unless you intend to deliver. 16-year-old Shannon lives in a real mansion in Tampa, FL, and my struggling middle class heart is determined not to resent her out of jealousy. She’s also 6 feet tall, so my short person heart is determined not to resent her for being taller than me. Anyways. When Shannon started singing, I thought, “This song is very familiar for some reason. Why is it so familiar?” And then I realized that we sang it in choir last year. I’m pretty sure I made fun of the song for being cheesy back then. What? It is cheesy. Shannon failed to make the song any less cheesy (it was basically Reed Grimm wrapped in a melody), but she definitely succeeded in singing the daylights out of it. She really felt that song, and I believed that she wanted to light our world. The final note of the song was awesome, too. Shannon understands that every Idol contestant needs to master the Big Finish. Randy, of course, made the requisite baseball pun of the night: “You came out swingin’!” I wouldn’t call this performance home run, but it would probably qualify as a solid double. Pick a better song next time, Shannon, and keep singing just like that.
Jessica Sanchez – “Love You, I Do”
Ryan loves it so much when these kids get sick. He had his best “sympathetic” face on while he interviewed Jessica about her swollen vocal cords. Okay, we get it, Ryan. You’re making excuses for a girl who doesn’t need excuses. On her trip home, the 16-year-old San Diego, CA resident took the camera along for a shopping trip. Wait a minute. Shouldn’t her family be strapped for cash because her mom quit her job to support Jessica’s career? Didn’t I theorize that her success on the show will put food in the mouths of her family? Idol! You lied to me! But regardless of Jessica’s shady back story (it’s shady to me, okay?), I do not give a damn when she’s singing. Her control is beyond her years, and the way she transitions from belting to head voice is superb. Jessica needs to stay likable. She needs to charm the American public. Because it’s my solid belief that a young lady on this show will have to be charming as hell to upset the Phil Phillips, Jr. confetti shower in May.
Elise Sanchez – “One and Only”
Two women sang the same song in one night! Awfultastic drama! I have a very pressing concern about Elise’s tan, Dawgs. Did she get it in an Easy-Bake Oven? The 28-year-old from Charleston, SC told the cameras, “I need to be exposed.” NO! That isn’t necessary. You’ve had enough sun exposure for a lifetime, darling. But let’s move on to the important stuff. This Elise person gave a stunning performance last night. I’m already tired of the contestants choosing Adele songs because it seems to be the trend du jour, but if they handle the songs like Elise did, I might grow lenient. She started her performance at the piano, and the sparse accompaniment really emphasized her lovely, raspy voice. Then she stood and just threw it all out there, runs and wails and all. I was incredibly impressed. J. Lo and Randy agreed that Elise may be the best singer in the competition, and while I think it’s a little too early to say that, I’ll give their belief some merit. Ryan wanted to know how she pulled off such an amazing performance, and Elise proved that she may be the female Heejun Han of the competition by replying, “I only get in trouble when I think.” She and Uncle Steven have a lot in common, then.
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| And as a reward for those great performance, here is a picture of my kitty Flynn IN A BOX! |
Erika Van Pelt – “What About Love”
The 26-year-old mobile DJ from Rhode Island had a bad time slot in the episode. Erika’s kind of awesome with her fun personality and unique voice. She introduced us to her shy mom and her sister Sara and told us what it’s like to be a mobile DJ. I genuinely like Erika, but I’m afraid that her placement in the episode and her song choice will make her depend on a Wild Card save. Looking seriously hot in all black, Erika kicked that song’s ass to Rhode Island and back again. The power in her voice is undeniable, and she looked comfortable on stage. Uncle Steven thought that her confidence “breathes wings into the song.” Whatever that means. J. Lo wished that Erika had pushed it just a little bit more. And then Randy said, “If this girl DJs as good as she sings, she’s dangerous.” Huh. I don’t know what he means by that.
Jen Hirsh – “One and Only”
Another victim of poor placement in the episode, the 25-year-old California resident was outdone by Elise performing the same song in the pimp spot. Jen has a lovely voice, but she looked slightly uncomfortable last night. In Hollywood and Vegas, Jen’s major appeal was the way she sang with wild abandon, just throwing it all out there without vanity. Last night, her movements were stiffer, her voice less impassioned, and her overall appeal diminished. I’m not claiming that Jen doesn’t deserve to make the Top 13, but she really needs to loosen up if she wants to continue sharing her voice with America. The judges, naturally, disagreed with my assessment. J. Lo was glad that Jen “let loose,” and Randy complimented her “swag.” So, either I’m crazy or they’re crazy. Take your pick, Dawgs.
That’s all for Now, Thank You
Chelsea Sorrell – “Cowboy Casanova”
This is embarrassing, but I have to share it with you. I couldn’t concentrate on a majority of Chelsea’s performance because her cleavage was so … THERE. I swear it was everywhere, Dawgs. The 23-year-old from North Carolina seems like a sweet girl, but she lacks the sass and showmanship that Skylar exudes, and she sounds a bit like a poor man’s Carrie Underwood. Nothing particularly memorable happened during her performance, but Uncle Steven did comment, “I can feel your heart pounding from here.” Hmm. Was he similarly distracted by Chelsea’s Chelseas, or am I judging Uncle Steven too fast?
Brielle Von Hugel – “(Sittin’ on the) Dock of the Bay”
The other contestants will have to get used to life without their “Idol Mom” because Brielle and her mom are likely going back to Staten Island tonight. The 17-year-old cheerleader has spunk – I’ll give her that – but her performance reminded me of what would happen if Snooki decided to make a music video. Her lower register in the beginning was weak, and her upper register in the middle wasn’t any better. I don’t know. The judges seemed to love it, though. J. Lo was like, “You just come in here and EAT IT UP!” and Randy inexplicably compared Brielle to Janis Joplin. This show is so weird, y’all.
Hallie Day – “Feeling Good”
The former girl group member looked so pretty last night, but her singing was SO HORRID. Introduced by Ryan as “a former waitress with big dreams” the 24-year-old from Baltimore sounded promising at the beginning of her ambitious performance. Unfortunately, once the tempo sped up, Hallie started shouting. And when Hallie started shouting, the whole thing went to hell. J. Lo noted that Hallie let her control slip, and then Randy grilled her about who she wants to be as an artist. NOT THAT QUESTION. Hallie mumbled some nonsense about wanting to be like Adele, and I was just like, “Cut it. Your dreams are too lofty.” Maybe if she aimed for an artist like Katy Perry, I’d get on board. But Adele? Ha! No.
Baylie Brown – “Amazed”
The major recipient of the “You look SO BEAUTIFUL, but …” critiques, Baylie really blew it last night. Just when I started to appreciate the 22-year-old Texan for having an adorable grandfather, she had to come out and sing like a pageant queen with asthma. Yuck! Baylie breathed through the song in her thin voice, and in addition to the awfultastic singing, I could also hear the energy being sucked out of the room. Not even Baylie’s plunging prom gown could save this ship.
Haley Johnson – “Sweet Dreams”
Surrounded by 3 massive Eyes of Sauron trapped in what reminded me of the Matrix computer code, Haley took the show to a level of cray-cray not seen since Paul McDonald did his fancy dance last season. But at least Paul could sorta-kinda sing! Haley? Not so much. I appreciate that she tried to take a risk with the Annie Lennox song, but her phrasing and melodic choices were painfully off in that performance. I’m assuming she has scandalous pictures of Uncle Steven and J. Lo locked up somewhere because they praised her like crazy. Randy, however, finally stepped up for the night and said, “It was a bit of nightmare for me instead of a dream.” Indeed, Mr. Jackson. Indeed.
The results are tonight! Do you have any favorites yet?
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