Thursday, February 7, 2013

Oklahoma City Auditions: "She worships the devil anyway, I heard."

Bwahahaha! You thought I'd forgotten about the Oklahoma City auditions, didn't you? No such luck, Dawgs. For an episode that only featured about 6 legitimate (I use the word "legitimate" loosely) contestants, it packed more cray-cray than a crayfish boat.

The Oklahoma City auditions taught us 3 things:

1. Idol has committed unspeakable crimes at least once against a puppet.
2. Keith Urban probably weighs the same as a feather.
3. The only thing Idol knows about Oklahoma is this ...

To be fair, that's all I know about Oklahoma, too. Oh, stereotypes! How you form our everyday perceptions! This ... is American Idol!

Overly excited ginger elf Karl Skinner was picked up by the Idol bus on its small town audition tour. I truly believe that Karl lives on caffeine and candy canes alone. He never stopped moving during his audition. First, he danced through a hyper "I Feel Good" with all the joy of a child swimming in a pool of gumdrops. Randy immediately started repeating "I love this guy!" over and over the way that Randy does. Then they asked Karl to sing something else, so he broke out his guitar and sang an original tune. Strangely, he had maybe a bit of talent? That surprised me. You know what else surprised me? Karl's use of words that aren't words. "I wanna be uncomparable." Ugh. I wonder if Santa will let Karl ride his sleigh to Hollywood.

My favorite contestant of the night was Nate Tau, who's parents are DEAF. This revelation made me so emotional. Singing is the one thing Nate loves to do more than anything, and his parents will NEVER hear it. Isn't that tragic? Nate sang "For Once in My Life", and it was effortlessly pleasing. Great tone, great range, nice kid, cute face. I genuinely like Nate Tau, and that freaking sucks because Idol will ruin it. Idol ruins everything.

There was a disturbing segment in which a ventriloquist named Haley brought her yodeling puppet Oscar to the audition and sang a duet with him. The judges were like, "We'll take you, but you'll have to let us dispose of the puppet." After separating Oscar from his ONLY FRIEND AND GUARDIAN, they made him beg for food on the streets and then threw him in a dumpster. So yes, now we must add PUPPET MURDER to Idol's long list of sins. No wonder the Cookie Monster stress eats.

Pictured: One of the lucky few.
During this, the final audition episode of the season, the amoral a-holes making up the Idol production team must have decided they hadn't exploited enough mentally ill people. After all, they still have to fill the quota for the pact they made with Lucifer on that rainy night so long ago. There was Zoanette Johnson, a rambling woman who kept flashing her underwear and may or may not be stalking the President of the United States. I really couldn't tell with all the yimmer yammer expelling from her mouth hole. I have no words for Zoanette's audition, but you're more than welcome to WATCH it again and again (and again and again) below:

The weight of her awfultastic singing forced featherweight Keith Urban OUT OF HIS CHAIR. So the judges were left with a "difficult" decision.

No. This is an EASY decision.
Did they send Zoanette on her merry way or give her a golden ticket? I think the answer to that may give you a rage blackout. So CUPCAKES. They chose CUPCAKES!

Anastacia Freeman started crying during her interview with Ryan. She didn't have a sob story to go along with the tears, so I knew she was doomed. Her rendition of "Unbreak My Heart" was awful. Just the worst. The judges asked her why she auditioned, and then things got incredibly weird. "Actually, I believe God told me to come up here and audition." So the judges slowly backed away and basically told Anastacia that God had Punked her, and then out in the parking lot, Anastacia accused Nicki of devil worship. The segment was best summed up by Randall T. Jackson V, who said, "I don't know. That was strange, yo." Yo, indeed.

16-year-old Kayden Stephens made me cry my own freaking tears when he talked about having cystic fibrosis. Nuts of ... You know, I can't even write about this. It's too much. Kayden sang "I Wish", and Nicki thought he sounded like a baby Michael. The judges talked about how inspired that were, and ... damn it, I CAN'T. Okay? I just can't write about Kayden's disease. He's a nice boy, though. Very positive. And his voice hasn't changed yet, so he sounded like a little angel.

And that wrapped up the audition episode ... until Uncle Steven showed up in drag! UNCLE STEVEN! I can't decide if he's ugly or pretty as a woman. Maybe a combo of both? IDK. Who else misses his rambling streams of nonsense?

That brings the audition episodes to a close! FINALLY. Now there are all kinds of hijinks these reality TV "stars" can get into during the Hollywood rounds. Will Idol ever be held accountable for the murder of Oscar the Puppet? Does Nicki Minaj, in fact, worship the devil? Cupcakes or no cupcakes? There are so many questions!

Get ready for my Hollywood recaps. They should be more interesting than this. I hope.

In the words of Nicki Minaj, my new spirit sister: "The answer's no, but I love you."

Seacrest out!