You know what Idol doesn’t respect enough? Dreams. I know. I KNOW. They talk about dreams all the time. Martin Luther King Jr. had nothing on Ryan Seacrest’s current monopoly of dreams. “Everyone in this crowd has a story,” Ryan said last night as the camera panned over the dozen or so contestants who still believed Idol could make them famous. “Everyone has a dream.” Seacrest has so much insight into human nature. Everyone does have a dream. Not to brag or anything, but I have several dreams every night. So if I dream hard enough, I’ll become a judge on Idol someday, right? If I fail, it’s only because my dreams are sub-par. That’s what Idol’s conventional wisdom on dreams leads me to believe, after all.
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And then they show us those fresh young faces in the crowd, shining with hopeful aspirations and dreams. So from what I’ve been led to believe, Idol is contractually obligated to make all their dreams come true. Unfortunately, in the great hell dimension know as Reality TV, this thing that claims to be a friend to all dreams is actually the place where dreams come to die. Even the good ones. You see, the one thing that Idol’s been hiding from the thousands of aspiring stars is the ugly, wretched truth. Charles Manson had a dream. The Unibomber did, too. Hitler totally had a dream, as did Darth Vader. All this time, we’ve been operating under an incorrect notion that all dreams are good. Any Idol audition episode will prove to you that dreams as a good thing is the most deluded dream of all. Wrap your heads around that, Dawgs. You’re welcome.
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But how about Portland, huh? It’s a pretty nice place despite the eternal cloud covering. The people in Portland seem to cope with the weather in different ways. They have to find a way to lighten up the doom and gloom, you know? Ryan called them “eclectic,” which when translated from Seacrest to English means, “These people are creeping me out. I need a day in the spa to wipe the stench of this city off my spray tan.” During the auditions, Portland was home to all of our standard dreams. So sit back, put on your sleeping masks, and fall into R.E.M., Dawgs.
This … is … American Idol! In your dreams!
The Prophetic Dreamer – Brittany Zika
This sadly dressed singer whose friends call her “Tripster the Hipster” (Didn’t Hipsters go out of style in 2010?) had a dream that she sang “Gravity” onstage with Sara Bareilles. And then it happened in real life! Nuts of wonder. Brittany took that as a sign that she was destined to be the next American Idol because obviously that was the next logical step. She’ll probably dream that into being, too. Even though Brittany attempted to sabotage her chances by wearing gigantic glasses, a fedora, boots, and suspenders, her voice during “The Story” was the real star of the audition. She had a smoky, almost sexy tone to her voice, and although it wasn’t perfect, it was enough to intrigue me. Once she was done singing, Randy was all, “Love your voice, dude, but you seriously look like you got thrown out of a mime convention for being too tacky. Show us what a pretty dude you are.” Brittany took of her glasses and hat, and all of a sudden, she looked stunning. Then Randy insisted that she take off her boots, too, and Uncle Steven started cackling at the possibilities. But J. Lo – thank God for J. Lo – put a stop to that and made sure that Brittany stayed fully dressed. Mon Dieu, I wonder how horrid the judging panel would be without J. Lo. Uncle Steven would be in jail now, probably. No matter. Brittany’s going to Hollywood!
The Look at Me Fly-eeeeee! Dreamer – Ben Purdom
You know those dreams where you can do really awesome stuff like fly, lift giant boulders without breaking a sweat, or become the most popular Idol blogger in the world? And then you wake up and feel all disappointment because, damn it, all those things are impossible in real life. Well, Ben Purdom had the dream; he just never realized that he woke up from it. The first look we got at Ben was in the interview room when he burped in response to the producer's question about his name, age, and hometown. Indigestion can be such a cruel mistress sometimes. Ben told us that he was incredibly nervous about the audition because he was deathly ill or something. To prove it, he coughed pathetically in the way kids do when they try to con their parents into letting them stay home from school sick. Very clever, Ben. Always design an exit strategy before you exit. He told Ryan that he sells cable TV on the streets, which sounds totally illegal when you say it like that. I sell imitation sunglasses … on the streets. I sell prescription drugs … on the streets. I sell stolen computer equipment … on the streets. I sell Ryan Seacrest's skin flakes ... on the streets. I hope Ben’s still working. I hope “on the streets” isn’t actually code for “one step away from a prison cell.” So, anyway, Ryan was quite the snark monster last night. He considered Ben’s occupation and then said, “If your singing is as good as your [sales] pitch … anywhere near the pitch …” Then he ushered Ben into the audition room. Ben, looking more pathetic than ever, told the judges that a co-worker (on the streets, apparently) told him to audition because he could recognize real talent. Oh, Ben. That co-worker is not your friend. He sang “Born This Way” and “Superbass” the same way Michael Buble would sing if Michael Buble were tone deaf. Right away, Ben was all like, “That sucked. I know. It’s because I’m sick, you see.” And the judges sent him on his way. Ben and his mother frantically explained to Ryan that his audition was bad because Ben was so sick that he couldn’t use his falsetto. Ryan closed the segment by saying, “We are left to wonder, had he not been too sick, what would that falsetto voice have sounded like?” *Snicker* I mean, poor Ben. LOL.
The BIG Dreamer – Jermaine Jones
Mama Jones may have been planning Jermaine’s run on Idol since before he was even conceived. She had big dreams for that boy, and she believed he would be a star even when he was in diapers. The whole Jones family is musical. Back in the day, Mama Jones sang at a church service right up to the moment when she had to go to the hospital and push Jermaine’s presumably 20 pound baby form out into the world. “He has it. He can do it. He will do it,” Mama Jones said confidently on the porch of their quaint little house. Jermaine smiled and nodded. Smiling and nodding were always key to Mama’s grand plan, after all. Standing at a petite 6 feet, 8 inches, Jermaine sang “Superstar” for his audition, and I hate to admit that I wasn’t overly impressed. My notes went like this:
- He’d sound like Luther Vandross if he didn’t suck so much.
- Oh, the judges like it. Oops.
Oops. J. Lo did tell him to loosen up a bit, so maybe I’m not completely crazy. Randy pounded the desk a few times and crowed, “The gentle giant goes to Hollywood!” Please, Randy. If he’s trying to encourage me to cast another person as Fezzik from The Princess Bride this season, he’s going to be sorely disappointed.
The Revenge Dreamer – Britnee Kellogg
I love the revenge dreams. They’re your brain’s way of settling scores without going to prison or making a scene in public, and we’ve all had them. Britnee managed to live her revenge dream on Idol. Is it bad that I couldn’t work up any sympathy for her sob story? “Oh, look at me, a gorgeous woman with 0% body fat and two adorable kids. My ex-husband totally didn’t support my dreams, and now I’m on the nation’s biggest show telling everyone about it. Life is so cruel and unfair! Whimper, whimper, whimper.” Apparently, she supported her lousy ex’s dreams to play basketball (Professionally? In a rec league? On the streets? I need to know!), and since that obviously meant she couldn’t pursue any dreams on her own, being consumed with his dreams and all, Britnee got to sit idly by without any music in her life while Lousy Ex pursued other women. Wow. This woman probably has to pay all kinds of money at the airport after she describes her multitude of baggage to the sales reps. I’m just saying that sometimes it’s better not to share so much. In one last Bite Me gesture to Lousy Ex, Britnee chose “You’re No Good” as her audition song. Uncle Steven found that hilarious, for some reason. “You have a beautiful sense of humor,” he gushed while simultaneously wondering if she was open to dating older men. Britnee’s voice was pretty good when she wasn’t seriously overdoing it with the hideous facial expressions. I sincerely doubt she’ll be making any waves in Hollywood, but at least she’s pretty. And she managed to coax some parenting advice from J. Lo, so she’ll always have the memories.
The OMG! My Family Just Transformed Into Talking Blueberry Muffins Dreamer – Sam Gershman
I think Sam got a bad edit by the producers. A woman willing to give dance lessons to the entire holding room can’t be all bad. Did you see how much choreography she taught them? For realz? I couldn’t do that. Mostly because I can’t dance but also because I’m not Sam Gershman. In the audition room, Randy thought her last name was Gershwin, and Sam replied, “No, it’s Gershman, but my dad’s name is Ira.” The judges didn’t get it. Cue the sound of crickets chirping. Geez, Idol. It isn’t like she made a dead baby joke or something. After an impossibly fast and high version of “I’m a Woman” that showcased no musical skill whatsoever, Uncle Steven said, “Could you have been more perky? You’ll make a good Easter bunny.” Sam just looked at him and was like, “I’m Jewish, but thanks.” Oh, Idol! It’s like this whole world of different people with different beliefs and dreams and stuff. So charming.
The Oh Crap, My Teeth Are Falling Out! Dreamer – David Weed
Randy was automatically like, “Is Weed really your last name?” No, Mr. Potato Head, he made it up just for the lulz. Freaking Randy. I don’t think I can tolerate him for a whole season. David works in the fast food industry, and Uncle Steven had to ask if he hates asking, “Do you want fries with that?” What the hell do you think, Einstein? The poor child is a walking advertisement for Depressed Inc. Nuts of wonder. David sang Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” so hard that the veins in his face looked ready to burst. It sounded awful, and no one seemed surprised by that. Even David was all, “Well, I also dream of being a comedian someday. Here, check out my self-deprecating and heart-breakingly unfunny joke before I go back to the grinding wheel I call life.” Poor David. I doubt his dreams will ever catch a break.
The Overcoming Adversity Dreamer – Romeo Diahn
This likable Liberian refugee has his adorable father to thank for this opportunity. His dad is kind of the best, isn’t he? He told the camera, “There is no pot of gold in America,” and insisted that hard work is the key to success. Romeo performed Bob Marley’s “Is This Love” for the judges. While his style is a little one-note, he’s very good at what he does. J. Lo only gave him a “little, tiny yes” because J. Lo always expects excellence, but the guys enthusiastically put Romeo through to Hollywood. Outside of the audition room, one of Romeo’s relatives eyed Ryan for a moment before asking, “So who are you?” Oh, my goodness, did you see all the light drain from Ryan’s eyes? That was quite the moment of truth, huh? Ryan staring up at a man named Junior the size of a monster, unable to comprehend a world where every person doesn’t know his name, Junior staring down at Ryan, wondering why the little guy was shaking with rage. This is why we watch Reality TV, Dawgs – for moments like that.
The Meet Your Favorite Celebrity Dreamer – Naomi Gillies
I met Jake Gyllenhaal in one dream, Henry Cavill in another. Le sigh. Those were the best dreams. (Don’t tell Allen.) Naomi timidly asked Uncle Steven for permission to sing “Cryin’,” and I immediately thought, “A classy move on Idol? This must be an alien!” But no, Naomi was fully human, and talented to boot! I’ll admit that her lower register was a bit shaky, but her belting during the chorus was superb. I hope to see her again in Hollywood.
The Optimistic Dreamer – Ben Harrison
Ben started his interview by admitting that his baby face is the most adorable thing since bunnies. He blazed onto the scene on a fluffy white cloud dressed in big people clothes and announced, “Finally, I’ve arrived!” Oh, I wanted Ben to be talented more than I want to find a witch who can turn off Randy’s voice forever. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. His voice literally sounded like a whistle while he sang “Somebody to Love,” and the judges apparently didn’t find Ben as delightful as I did. He blew a kiss at J. Lo and everything! “Why? Why? Why? Why?” Randy moaned when Ben left the room on the tail of a shooting star. Because he’s the best, Randy. Stop being such a spoilsport. Ben rejoined his family, shrugged, and beamed a smile at the camera that invoked the images of newborn kittens and laughing babies. “I’m glad my family was here to support me. We’re gonna go have some pizza. I’m glad I didn’t puke or pee my pants … No one has more fun than me!” Aw, good for you, Adorable Smurf. Good for you!
The Determined Dreamer – Jessica Phillips
Oh, nuts of wonder, Dawgs, I’m such a sap. I was okay through Jessica’s entire story about her boyfriend suffering a stroke, waking up and not recognizing her, and depending on her for rehabilitation and care. Then D’Angelo (her very attractive boyfriend) opened his mouth, and I lost it. “Honestly, I would be nowhere without her,” D’Angelo said. “And that’s the truth.” My heart feels so much! Granted, Jessica’s backstory was far more gripping than her rendition of Faith Evans’ “Again.” She wasn’t bad or anything. It just lacked spark, in my opinion. But then she ran into D’Angelo’s arms, and he kept repeating how much he loved her, and holy crap, I couldn’t pull it together. TWU LOVE, Dawgs! TWU LOVE!
So 45 Golden Tickets went out in Portland. At the end of the episode, I turned to my cat Marshmallow and realized that he had cleaned his massive body for the entire hour. I wonder what his dreams are. Catching mice? Losing a few LBs? Acquiring a food dish that never goes empty? Marshmallow has a lot of feelings. I’m sure he dreams a lot. And how about you, Dawgs? Did your dreams come true during the Portland auditions? Let’s take a moment to remember the lowly production assistant Megan, who was forced to give up her black tights because J. Lo forgot hers. That woman is unstoppable. She can take the clothes right off your body!
Tune in for the St. Louis auditions tonight. It’s the last stop of the audition rounds, and then finally, WE’RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!
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