St. Louis Auditions: "I like your moxie."

Checotah, Oklahoma – 2004 A fresh-faced young woman performs some farm tasks in front of the camera – tractor riding, hay baling, animal caring. You know, the usual. Twice a week, though, this hard-working American princess sits on her modest couch in her modest living room and forgets about the absolute horror of living a regular life. And how does she escape from the cruelties of farm life in Checotah, Oklahoma? By watching Idol, of course! This is the story. This is why we watch the show. This is why … HOLY CRAP, THAT’S CARRIE UNDERWOOD!

I love how Idol still insists on pretending that Carrie was some sort of pathetic cow back in the day. It’s like they want us to believe that she was playing a banjo on the street for tips until she took a trip to St. Louis and Idol saved her life. I don’t look as good at my office job as Carrie did covered in dirt and manure doing farm work. Some people win the genetic lottery, and Carrie’s one of them. Let’s stop pretending, Idol. “Now a new crop of talent will take that same trip hoping to create the same magic all over again,” gushed Ryan. Haven’t we been trying that since Season 4? Haven’t we failed each time? Maybe we should stop looking for the next Carrie Underwood now. It doesn’t seem to be working.

But St. Louis. St. Louis with its giant arch and other stuff. Apparently, it has something to offer the music world. I guess that every person in St. Louis attended the auditions, save one crotchety old taxi driver named Walter who was just pissed about the congestion that the influx of people would cause. That was kind of jarring, huh? The way Idol all but claims a city for a couple of days, all shiny and big and loud. You kind of forget that while all the hoopla is going on, real people are still living their lives, driving taxi cabs, taking the kids to school, working on the streets. REALITY TV, Dawgs. Thank you, Walter the Taxi Driver, for keeping us humble.

St. Louis had quite a few sob stories. Lots of people felt they had something to cry about on camera. See, that’s the difference between your average Idol contestant and your average regular person: A complete lack of shame and social appropriateness. Oh, I kid. (A little) The talent wasn’t bad, though. “Other than the arch and music, what do you know about this town?” one reporter asked Uncle Steven. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’m ashamed of how little I know about St. Louis. “Mmmm, a couple of girlfriends from here,” Uncle Steven shared. Ew. So even “The Gateway to the West” hasn’t been untouched by the old badger’s sweet lovin’. Good to know.

This … is … American Idol!

Let’s All Cry Together

I’m not trying to be unkind, oh-naïve-contestants-with-lame-sob-stories. You made me do it. A jaded Idol recapper can only take so much.

Johnny Keyser was raised by his dad after his parents got a divorce. So … I suppose he’s in good company with 50% of his peers. I didn’t think this segment was all that sad. His dad was kind of awesome, awkwardly giving him man hugs and talking about how he makes a mean PB&J sandwich. John and Johnny (yes, too cute) even do recreational activities together like water skiing. This wasn’t sad, Idol. I don’t understand why you started the segment with the sad background music. So Johnny, a waiter and college student, found out the Idol auditions were coming to St. Louis and thought, “Meh. Might as well give it a try.” The judges immediately perked up when good-natured Johnny walked into the audition room because the 22-year-old is kind of a looker. And by “kind of,” I mean dreamy enough to become a force in the competition. Those eyes, Dawgs, will win votes. Johnny performed “A Change is Gonna Come” for his audition, and the judges were collectively floored. I don’t blame them. Johnny has soul and great control. J. Lo was especially taken with the clean-cut crooner. I’m sure anything looks better to her after her failed marriage with that dwarf Marc Anthony. Resounding yeses and pounding fists on the desk ensued, and Johnny’s taking his cute little mug to Hollywood.

Rachelle Lamb had a clear strategy when she walked into the audition, and that strategy centered on exploiting her adorable young daughter. I’m not sure what was more inappropriate about this segment; the use of the little girl to gain esteem with the judges or the way Rachelle blatantly trashed the kid’s father in front of her. Idol contestants: Your emotional baggage is supposed to be a private thing! Rachelle, who I am naming Beelzebub from this point forward, giggled and flirted with the judges about how her ex-husband destroyed her dreams (funny how frequent that is these days) and didn’t like her audition song. Uncle Steven loved that bit. His entire being filled with glee when Beelzebub started singing Faith Hill’s “Find Somebody New.” She has a great country voice, unfortunately. I was kind of hoping she’d suck, but that was unlikely the moment her kid walked into the audition room with her. Oh, well. You know she’s going to Hollywood. If Idol doesn’t work out, maybe she can form a band with the 18 other contestants who only just tried out because their husbands crushed their dreams. As the women’s right movement taught us, we’re literally incapable of possessing dreams, ambitions, or happiness if we’re involved with a man who doesn’t believe in them, too.

Reis Kloeckener was picked on in school because he was small. Nuts of wonder, I can’t even type about these sob stories anymore. They are slowly draining my soul. In the time we spent talking about Reis’ tragic adolescence, we could have seen more than 5 out of 46 Golden Ticket recipients. This student / pizza maker sang “Lean on Me” for his audition. Despite his melismatic tendencies – sometimes a melody can simply remain a melody, sweetie – Reis’ voice is pretty good. However, he NEEDS to OPEN HIS EYES. He can’t be on TV and sing with his eyes closed. For some reason unknown to God and man, Uncle Steven got emotional during the audition. “You know, man, that was so beautiful you made me cry.” Wow. The people who auditioned before Reis must have been really bad.

Ethan Jones’ sob story has been omitted in deferment to my mental health. Believe me, though, it was a doozy. My favorite part of Ethan’s segment was the fact that he was so nervous in the holding room that he managed to cut his eyebrow by scratching it. Blood, tears, denial. Idol has it all. Ethan chose Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be” for his audition song, which is about the whiniest song ever. I think Ethan’s having an itty bitty identity crisis. Even though he sings in a country band, he chose some schmaltzy contemporary rock ballad? Not a good move. The judges loved Ethan’s unassuming personality. I loved the humanizing cut on his head. So naturally, he’s going to Hollywood.

Lauren Gray didn’t have a sob story. Well done, Miss Thang. She works for the family business, which is a one-stop wedding shop. OMG, that may be the greatest thing ever. She sings in a band with her adoring father, and it’s all very quaint and small-town. Lauren sang Adele’s “One and Only,” and the judges slobbered all over themselves about her voice. I was a bit underwhelmed. She definitely has the country rock thing going for her, but it seemed like she had the volume set to eleven at all times. Singing quietly isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It adds color and texture to the vocal and makes people sit up and pay attention. Although Lauren’s voice isn’t my cup of tea, J. Lo decided her voice was one of the best they’d heard in the competition. Oh. Oh, okay, then. The judges are making some really bold statements this year. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to tolerate them.

So those were the five people that we’re apparently supposed to care about from St. Louis. What do you think, Walter the Taxi Driver?

“That’s what all this is – people with a good set of pipes. Correct? I don’t know. If twenty thousand of them have a good set of pipes, I don’t wanna listen to all those people.”

Out of the mouths of senior citizens, Dawgs.

The bad auditions were pretty scarce in this episode. One guy left Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose” beaten and bloody on the streets (!), even though he claimed to be married to music. Randy, in a moment of rare comedic timing, quipped, “Your wife’s gonna be wanting a divorce if you keep singing like that.” Then there was Mark Ingram, the hotel employee who dragged half of his co-workers into the audition room with him so they could witness his humiliation. However, even though Mark failed to advance to Hollywood, he achieved something no other man or woman on Earth has achieved before. He sweated so much that RYAN FREAKING SEACREST wiped his face off with a towel. OMG, Ryan. Celebrities are just like us.

And that brought Season 11’s audition tour of horrors to an anti-climactic end. Thank the Idol gods. Next week is HOLLYWOOD WEEK! No matter what happens, the previews have already confirmed that someone leaves in a stretcher. Why I’m so gleeful about this, I have no idea. Idol brings out the worst in me.

Enjoy the Super Bowl!