Thursday, January 31, 2013

San Antonio & Long Beach Auditions: "That bathroom has killer acoustics."

Special note to my loyal readers: I was a horrible cow and didn't write any recaps for last week. I have no excuses, nor do I have any regrets. Those auditions were boring, uninspiring, and unworthy of the Great Idol Trainwreck we hold so dear. But I'm back now! Yay! Forgive me if you care enough to be disappointed! 

Last night's episode featured the auditions from San Antonio and Long Beach in a 2-hour long marathon of I'M TIRED OF THE AUDITIONS ALREADY. What happened, Dawgs? This used to be one of my favorite parts of the season. Now I'm just counting the days to Hollywood, wasting away with only the memories of past seasons to sustain me. I feel like I've seen all of these auditions before. We know what bad singers sound like. We know what good singers sound like. They're all morphing together into one incomprehensible Idol Blob that's seriously screwing with my memory and state of well-being. So I don't think I'm overstating things when I come to this conclusion:

American Idol is trying to kill me.

You read it here first, Dawgs.

The most notable parts of the San Antonio segment were Keith's breakfast cinnamon roll (which Randy clearly coveted) and Nicki Minaj's purple plaid hat (I like purple). I suppose there were some singers, too, but I need to consult my notes to recall them. The score is thus: Breakfast Sweets: 1, Your Possible Future American Idol: 0.

I'm skipping the boring stuff in this review. And "stuff" may apply to actual contestants. Sorry if I skip over your favorite.

Vincent Powell, dressed in - I'm thinking - jodhpurs, was so excited to meet Mariah Carey because he loves her. He went to Hollywood last season, but don't ask me to remember him. The judges adored his rendition of "Rock Me, Baby", which was the closest to blues singing I've heard on Idol in some time. Jodhpurs. Was he wearing them? Do I have the wrong word? These are jodhpurs. Yes, that's exactly it. I'll send my application to Vogue with haste.

Irritating brothers David & Derek Bacerott must have paid Idol all kinds of bucks to televise them trolling the judges. They sang like the bastard 90s love-child of every Boyz 2 Men member and Jon Secada if it was born with the tonal quality of a constipated whale. "There's a basic rule to harmonizing," Mariah carefully said, "which is to stay on pitch so the other person can stay on pitch, too." In the face of criticism, the Bacerott brothers turned contrary. Derek called the judges liars. Every time the judges spoke, one of the brothers would contradict them. They would make excellent lawyers, and I almost mean that as a compliment. Randy told them to work on their attitudes, and they were like, "We have great attitudes." By the time The Brothers Bacerott left, the judges seemed helpless with confusion. Keith, the cheeky kangaroo, quipped to the producers, "You guys didn't see that going as well as it did, did you?"

Struggling single parent Savannah Votion impressed the judges when she sang "At Last". I might be able to comment on the audition if she hadn't worn that black spangly bikini top thing. I'm not making this up, Dawgs. Her belly was EVERYWHERE. Like, it wasn't a particularly large belly. It was a NICE belly. I wish my belly looked like that. But it was just so ... THERE, you know? Like it was antagonizing me. So, sorry Savannah Votion, don't distract me with your fabulous abs next time.

Face-puller Ann Difani pulled some faces when Randy tracked her down at a University of Arkansas football game. I don't know. It must not have been a very important game because at least a quarter of the seats were empty? Sorry, University of Arkansas. So Ann pulled every face in face-pulling nation while she sang Faith Hill's "Stronger". To be fair, her voice sounded pretty, probably because of the faces. Randy was so enamored  by Ann's marriage that he started hooting and hollering (the way Randy does) about their Great American Love Story. Randall W. Jackson III: True Romantic. Ann's audition featured one of the episodes best exchanges.
Keith: There's a lot of Faith in there. 
Ann: Yep. A lot of passion.
Mariah: I think he meant Hill.
You know Mariah doodles sarcastic sketches on the contestant info sheets when they annoy her. Passive aggressive doodling - that's how Mariah rolls.

There once was a creature named Papa Peachez who liked to dance and worked to help homeless people. He was very excited when The Great American Idol auditions rolled into his village on its grand stallion named Ryan Seacrest. Papa Peachez wrote an original song for his audition. He wanted to spread the wonder and glory of music. This was his moment! So Papa Peachez sang ... like a DEMON pulled from the DEPTHS OF HELL. Did I miss something, Dawgs? Why did the judges go gaga over Papa Peachez's unsettling voice. It was so deep and emotionless, like the nightmares of a million children. Nicki thought he was a superstar? Randy caved and let him advance to Hollywood, and I just gaped at the television. My baby woke up from a dead sleep and cried when Papa Peachez started singing. For real. That really happened. Nuts of wonder.

On a happy note, Mariah Fan #58472617387 Adam Sanders delivered a gorgeous, soulful rendition of "I'd Rather Go Blind". I must have enjoyed his voice because this is the direct quote from my notes: "He is, like, vomiting soul." I'm so classy. Anyway, Adam was so wonderful that the judges had nothing to say, which led to one of Ryan's best quotes of the night: "And for once, Nicki is speechless." OMG SING FOREVER ADAM SANDERS PLEASE!

The Long Beach auditions took place aboard the Queen Mary. This means that everyone and their brother thought it would be just OH SO CLEVER to wear a sailor hat. Who am I kidding? I would have worn one, too. We learned 2 things from the Long Beach auditions:

  1. Big ships do, in fact, have foghorns. The Idol cast, crew, and contestants apparently weren't aware of that. The more you know,  young souls. The more you know.
  2. Even divas like Mariah Carey get stuck in traffic. Celebrities! They're just like us!
The first two auditions were kind of sad. Shubha Vedula had a pretty voice and all, but the boy judges couldn't remember her name. They called her Petulla. It's like they went to name a flower and stopped caring. Then Brian Martinez proved to America that he was conned by what I can only image was a trickster homeless con man with a vendetta against mild-mannered guys named Brian. In a RESTROOM, this man claimed to be a music producer and urged Brian to try out for American Idol. Why was Brian singing in a public restroom? We were never told! Brian sang "You'll Be in My Heart" in probably the most ghastly way imaginable, leading Keith to quip, "That bathroom has killer acoustics." LOL - I died. Upon leaving the audition room, and walking past his entourage with their signs and happy faces, Brian muttered, "This wasn't a good experience for me." 

Army veteran Matt Farmer shouted "A Change is Gonna Come", and the judges loved it. I wasn't impressed, but that shouldn't surprise anyone. His audition was followed up by Stephanie Sanson, a pretty girl with purple hair who intentionally/unintentionally (?) lost her bananas on national television by SCREAMING Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain" at the judges. Not only did she scream. Oh no. Stephanie carved a warpath through the audition room, screaming at every corner, screaming at every wall like the spirit of Beelzebub was trying to escape from her body. Frightened, the judges tried to talk her down. But no, Stephanie would not be silenced. Screaming the whole time, she flipped off the judges and blazed out of the audition room. It was bizarre but strangely captivating. I hope I think she was playing a prank. 

Jesaiah Baer's audition was interrupted by a fire alarm. Did you notice how entitled the Idol cast and crew acted about having to evacuate the boat? They were all, "What? WE actually have to move? But we're Idol!" I'd like them to hedge like that to a FIERY INFERNO. Nuts of wonder. Jesaiah got an easy ticket to Hollywood after scatting her way through "Settle Down". When asked about the harrowing fire experience, Jesaiah reasoned, "The boat couldn't handle me since I am the captain and whatnot." These people they find for the show. They're all special little treasures.

After a botched tonsillectomy, Micah Johnson was left with a speech impediment. The judges, who are all supposed to be REAL MUSICIANS, were shocked to find out that Micah could still sing. Now I'm not a singing professional, but I've had enough lessons to know that you sing and talk from DIFFERENT PLACES. You enunciate in a different way, too. Why Mariah Freaking Carey doesn't know this troubles me. Micah's a cool guy, though, and he has a great singing voice. I just ... Is it bad that I don't think this is as MIRACULOUS as the show is making it out to be? It's like the guy with the stutter from a couple weeks ago. Singing and speaking = different things. Why is no one saying this? 

Ah, hell, I give up. 

Micah's was the last audition I saw because the baby needed a bath and I was too bored with the whole thing to rewind my DVR when I got back downstairs. Did I miss anything earth-shattering? Chances are NO, right? 

Out of my handful of readers (sometimes I feel like I'm only writing for 4 or 5 people, but you're worth it - don't leave), 2 of them are Nicki Minaj fans. I am still not a Nicki Minaj fan. However, because I think these 2 readers are awesome in every possible way, I promised to try an experiment in kindness for every review and write something nice about Nicki. I already mentioned that I liked her purple plaid hat, but I will add a bonus for this recap. Nicki was a lot calmer during these auditions and therefore tolerable. Brava, Nicki!

Leave some comments, please! It makes me feel less lonely. You don't even need an account to leave one, you know. Just type something in the little box and press send. You can say anything. I swear.

Write something.


I need you, Dawgs.

Seacrest out. 



1 comment:

  1. Sorry I got to this late, but it was hilarious. As always. :D