Las Vegas Round: "I was excited until you almost took my neck off."

(Special Note: Blogger's being a bit of a jerk this week. I've been trying to post this for days, and I finally found a way. Unfortunately, it won't let me format my delightful pictures the way I wanted. Since I figured you'd want to see my hard work - especially my Richie Law cartoon - I added them as a cluster at the beginning. With luck, they'll figure out the glitch soon so I can return to my old formatting.)

Dawgs. Dawgs! I’d lost hope in this thing, this Season 11 of American Singers Get Mentally Abused on National Television. Everyone sounded the same to me, which worried me because that could mean one of two things: 1) they all really do sound the same, therefore proving that talent and innovation are dead, or 2) I’ve reached the age when all young people start to sound the same because I don’t recognize trends anymore. OMG, I was so worried for awhile there. For real. FOR REALZ. And then, thank the Idol gods …

"A little less conversation ..."

Las Vegas, or Las VAGAS (according to certain young people on a certain show we might watch every Wednesday and Thursday), for the first time in its long and sordid history, gave America something precious and sacred. No, not showgirls. Music! Real music. And you know what? Season 11’s disturbing collection of narcissists actually contains some talent. So before the judges and producers maim the season with bad judgment, let’s just bask in the glow of Thursday night’s episode for awhile. Let’s give the kids credit for getting on my good side. They deserve it after all they’ve been through. After all, Idol downright plagued them (RIP Black Idol Plague of 2012 and all the animals in Amy Brumfield’s forest) in Hollywood.

Seventy exhausted children, half of them probably being treated by antibiotics and IV drips, piled on a group of buses and traveled to Vegas. How annoying would that bus ride be, do you think? Just imagine riding on Reed Grimm’s bus. Nuts of wonder. By the 57th bottle of beer on the wall, I’d be ready to smash his smug face through a window. Speaking of violence, Richie Law totally punched an unidentified girl in the face when she tickled his ear. I feel like Richie believes he’s surrounded by a force field that prevents others from touching him. He can touch them as much as he likes, but once someone gets within two inches of his pasty flesh, God zaps them. He probably didn’t realize that the force field wasn’t a thing until that moment on the bus, when someone (and a GIRL, to boot!) finally attempted to touch him. It’s been a lonely life for young Richie Law. Really, this could explain why he’s such an insufferable weasel in a big hat.

The judges, our esteemed panel of industry insiders, seriously pissed me off a few times in Vegas. They showed some brilliant judgment. But then the factory of elves operating their tiny brains reminded J. Lo, Randy and Uncle Steven that Idol is a dish best served bitter, and some of that brilliant judgment went flying out the window.

Reality TV’s a real kick, isn’t? A huge box of treats. Then do you know who made an appearance at the Idol party, sporting lots of cool attitude and tasty brownies for all? The delightfully nasty Peggi Blu. Best. Vocal coach. Ever. Once again, Peggi Blu saved the season. This … is … American Idol!

The Performances
It was kind of mean to make the kids sing all of those songs from the 50s and 60s. A few of them lucked out with Elvis tunes, but some of them were really left out to dry. Good thing this generation knows how to use You Tube … and iPhones.

“Dedicated to the One I Love” – Colton Dixon, Chase Likens, Skylar Laine, Cari Quoyeser
I have to address the show’s love affair with Colton Dixon. I don’t get it. His voice has a nasally quality, he pouts a lot, and he looks like a skunk. What’s to love? Anyway. All of Skylar’s friends from Hollywood got the boot, so she was randomly assigned to this group. I was concerned that they wouldn’t treat Skylar, the freaking best, well, but they did. Cari sounded sublime as usual. I didn’t notice Chase. Despite her nerves, Skylar pulled it together just the way her feisty country self could. Then there was Colton. Colton freaking Dixon. I’m over it. Sadly, the judges made the worst decision possible and cut poor Cari, who was pretty and talented. Is pretty and talented. I don’t think Idol took her out back and shot her after eliminating her. I hope not, at least.
Still In It: Colton, Chase and Skylar

“Rockin’ Robin” - Jeremy Rosado, Gabi Carrubba, David Leathers Jr., Ariel Sprague
Caw! Caw! I never expected “Rockin’ Robin” to make a return visit to the show after Megan Joy’s sublimely insane rendition in Season 8. Always remember to caw, Dawgs. ALWAYS. Oh, so Gabi. What an adorable piece of work, huh? All the other members of the group were delightful young people. David Leathers Jr. is quickly becoming the most charming person to ever step foot on the Idol set. Gabi was pouting and making Ariel feel bad about taking more than a minute to figure out her part, and David just chuckled in his interview and was like, “Yeah. Gabi’s kind of a diva. That’s what she does.” The kids on this show are very driven. I still think they’re really androids manufactured out of some warehouse in a secluded part of the country. Maybe that’s what they’re up to in Area 51. Gabi had a major problem with the amount of features she got in the song. With a nearly (but not quite) endearing lack of self-awareness, she complained, “I just wanna shine. I wanna be that girl who gets the standing ovation, but I feel like I don’t get the opportunity with this song.” (See: Picture) Ah, the pleasures of youth, when you still believe the world revolves around your scrawny little form. So karma pretty much guaranteed that Ariel would sound a thousand times better than Gabi, which she did. The boys did a great job, too. Ryan loved those kids so much. Did you see him leaning down to hug them when they bounced backstage?
Still In It: Jeremy, Gabi, David and Ariel

“Great Balls of Fire” – Adam Brock, Erika Van Pelt, Angie Zeiderman, Shelby Tweten
What a diverse group of individuals. We had Adam, this burly man-bear at the piano, just growling away, scaring off all the picnickers and stealing their baskets. Then there was Erika, a human treasure trove of all the best things in life. Enter Angie, this total hot mess dressed in a strange gold glitter top, yowling and screeching in her odd witch ways but still managing to captivate my attention. And finally, there was Shelby, who was kind of a non-entity. She was, though. Everyone else had all kinds of personality, and Shelby was just this polite, friendly thing, singing pretty and living the American Dream. Somehow, this mish-mash of people worked.
Still In It: Adam, Erika, Angie and Shelby

“Why Do Fools Fall in Love” – Schyler Dixon, Brielle Von Hugel, Molly Hunt
Cute outfits, wrong decade, girls. The trio looked stunning in their sexy little USO outfits, but I’m wondering if any of them passed history class. So, Schyler Dixon was still in the competition. Good! As the non-horrible member of the Dixon family, Schyler has my full support in this endeavor. Brielle’s mom didn’t show up for this segment, but I haven’t forgotten that those two ladies are the worst. I totally would have chosen Molly over the abysmal Brielle, but the judges and producers apparently have to keep a hot-mess drama potential to actual talent ratio. Whatevs.
Still In It: Schyler and Brielle

“Night Has a Thousand Eyes” – Reed Grimm, Haley Johnson, Elise Testone, Eben Franckewitz
Nuts of wonder, Idol! Keep Reed Grimm away from the children! Next thing we know, Eben’s sweet childlike nature will turn smug and unbearable. I wasn’t totally buying this performance, even thought the judges liked it enough to give Reed Grimm and The Bops a standing ovation. Too much saxophone, too much cheese, too much Reed Grimm. I felt like I was watching a corny variety show from the seventies, and I’m pretty sure that’s what Reed intended to create because he’s The Worst™. Elise sounded really good. Her part was a relief after Reed smarmed up the camera in the opening. Haley tried to sing, but the group’s ridiculous beat-boxing covered up her part. Do these people think they’re on The Sing-Off? Cool show and everything, but these two things don’t mix very well. Eben sounded a bit shrill, poor kid. I blame Reed Grimm for that, but then again, I blame that smug monster for just about all the ills in this world. He’s a joke, right? We’re going to get to the semi-final round, Reed Grimm will do something unconscionable, and the judges will just laugh and laugh. Uncle Steven will break because he’s always the one to break first and be all, “Gotcha, America! Ha ha! We almost had you convinced Reed Grimm was a real thing, didn’t we?”
Still In It: Reed, Haley, Elise and Eben

“Make It Easy on Yourself” – Jermaine Jones and Richie Law
So these two gentlemen aren’t very likable, right? That’s why they had to bypass the rules and form a group of two, I’m assuming. That Richie Law’s a real piece of work. He got ousted from his origin group, M.I.T., and begrudgingly became partners with Jermaine even though they’re both basses. “The new partner’s gonna go crazy. He’ll lose lots of hair. I feel bad for him,” Heejun Han predicted as Richie dragged Jermaine into his crazy Cowboy den of shenanigans. They did not get off to a good start. Their first practice consisted of Debra Byrd kicking them out because they didn’t know the melody to the song. Granted, who does know the melody to that song? But that’s their job. Richie made it clear that he takes American Idol very seriously. “I didn’t come here to recycle music. I came here to make it.” Ah, that explains it. The performance actually went far better than I expected. I wouldn’t listen to a record by Richie even if someone gave it to me for free, but Jermaine’s voice sounded cool. He has a very rich tone, and I appreciate the way he treated Richie, just one more antic away from naked disdain. Of course, for such a big dude, Jermaine was kind of a wimp about Richie slapping him on the shoulder and hugging his neck. Geez, man, just knock the twerp over and be done with it. Instead, I’m pretty sure Jermaine went to his room and complained to his mama over the phone. You know he did.
Still In It: Jermaine and Richie

“It Doesn’t Matter Anymore” – Jessica Sanchez, Candice Glover, DeAndre Brackensick
At this point in the episode, I noticed J. Lo’s disgusting pink fringe garment thing. Poor taste, Jenny. You best be takin’ that back to The Block now. Anyway, how happy was I for the return of DeAndre Brackensick? SO HAPPY! Oh, that young man with his lustrous Troy Polamalu hair has talent. Loads of talent. This group of likable kids worked with Katherine McPhee’s mom, Peisha, to update the old as dirt song. Weren’t they the best with their hard work and determination? So cool. Jessica Sanchez was a revelation. I already knew DeAndre was a full bottle of Awesome Sauce, but that Sanchez girl has soul. Candice was just as delightful with her big J-Hud voice that took me back to the days of Idols Past.
Still In It: Jessica, Candice and DeAndre

“Jailhouse Rock” – Curtis Gray, Scott Dangerfield, Adam Lee Decker, Clayton Farhart
When I first witnessed this group marching onstage like prisoners, I thought, “Oh fiddlesticks, another group of smug hams.” Fortunately, this group of boy rockers grew on me. Their energy just went on for days, didn’t it? The cameras followed them around the hotel, bouncing on beds, hanging off of things, saying silly things like spelling Vegas as V-A-G-A-S. (Oh, that is the most unfortunate spelling blunder ever. I won’t expand on why because you already know.) One of them noted what an honor it was to be performing on the same stage as Elvis. In the Aria theater. A brand new casino. Oh, those boys! The singing was good, if you only heard Adam and Clayton. The other two? Not so good. Pretty bad, actually. The judges noted it, but let Scott stay. And that cued us up to the episode’s Best Insensitive Backstage Moment: As the others bemoaned Curtis’ ouster, Scott tried to look appropriately chagrined. Then, just as Curtis walked away, Scott did a little happy dance for the camera. You can’t spell CLASS without ASS, ladies and gentlemen.
Still In It: Scott, Adam and Clayton

More Elvis Songs in a Montage
Dear Idol Editors,
Next time you hide Joshua Ledet away in a montage, I’m going to make a fortune, find William Hung, and pay him an obscene amount of cash to be your personal soundtrack for life. Nobody puts Joshua Ledet in a montage!
Sincerely,
Rachel
There were some other people in this segment, too, most notably Caleb Johnson and Joshua Sanders tearing up “Burning Love.”
Still In It: Joshua, Caleb, Joshua and Shannon Magrane

“Keep Me Hangin’ On” – Britnee Kellogg, Courtney Williams, Jessica Phillips
This group of ladies decided that as singing professionals, they didn’t need to practice with the band. Huge mistake. HUGE. They were like that snobby boutique that kicked out Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Later, Julia came back dressed in Beverly Hills’ finest, and the awful lady there had to eat a huge plate of humble pie. This performance was a big, fat mess. I’ll give the girls extra points for their pink sparkle mini-dresses that they must have bought second-hand from a stage production of Hairspray. The harmonies were off, every solo but Britnee’s was weird, and the judges were NOT impressed. Randy thought that Jessica and Courtney took way too many liberties with the melody, prompting J. Lo to slam the nail in the coffin by saying, “It almost made me feel like you didn’t know the melody.” Ouchies. Courtney made the ill-advised choice to try to argue with the judges but was promptly shushed. I thought she should have gone, too, but the judges only cut Jessica. This gave Jessica, who I only liked in the first place because of her boyfriend, the chance to show her true awfultastic colors. “I’m an actual artist. It doesn’t seem like they’re looking for real artists. If you ask me, they’re not looking for real artists,” she remarked. “A lot of people are making it through because they’re not real artists, and they’re not going to get a record deal, and that’s okay.” I love it when people destroy their careers before they even get started.
Still In It: Courtney and Britnee

“Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” – Lauren Grey, Mathanee Treco, Wendy Taylor
“There’s no crying in music. Now, sing it again!” Hello, Peggi Blu! It’s been so long since we last met. Who will you beat into not sucking this year? Lauren Grey found herself at the receiving end of Peggi’s wrath. She’d lost her voice and wasn’t prepared for the awesome hurricane that is Peggi Blu. “What you don’t do is listen. Do NOT not sing it. Sing it AGAIN! Okay, are you on Ritalin? Wake up and smell the coffee. You are in American Idol. You came here to be one? Get. A. Grip.” Oh, she’s just the best! Lauren ended up turning out a great vocal performance, thanks to Peggi. Wendy came the whole way out of nowhere and showed off her huge voice. Poor Mathanee, though, ran for mayor of Falsetto-Land and failed to get any votes. Maybe Peggi should have focused her kickass skills on him.
Still In It: Lauren and Wendy

“I Only Have Eyes for You” – Heejun Han, Phil Phillips, Jairon Jackson, Neco Starr Heejun was nervous about meeting Peggi. “I looked it up on You Tube, and she was kind of scary,” he said. Yes, because she’s THE BEST. Heejun had nothing to worry about because Peggi took a real liking to him. Emphasis on REAL. Peggi genuinely adored this group. “Loving it, that’s all I have to say,” she gushed before giving Heejun not one, but TWO hugs. And no wonder Peggi loved those boys so much. They sounded amazing. This was probably my favorite performance of the night. Their dynamics during the verses with the “She-bop, she-bops” were perfect. Jairon, Heejun, and Neco crooned their parts like champs. I was a little worried about Phil, though. Could he sing the melody in a way that I recognized? Would he stop twitching long enough to make some music? He did! He might not be my favorite, but Phil’s going to get a lot of votes, I think. No, I know. I know that Phil’s going to attract votes like bees to honey. He’s cute, good-natured, and sings like he’s being electrocuted sometimes. The ladies will love him.
Still In It: Heejun, Phil, Jairon, Neco

“Sealed With a Kiss” – Creighton Fraker, Aaron Marcellus, Jen Hirsh, Nick Boddington
So the removal of Reed Grimm made this group about 95% less smug. They were still smug, especially that hipster Creighton, but I had to admire their genuine admiration for each other. All four of them did a great job, especially Jen, who grows on me with each performance. Unfortunately, the judges had it out for Nick Boddington. Was it because of his receding hairline and silly nerd glasses? Jen was not kosher with his elimination, either. Backstage, she told the camera that Nick was one of the best and didn’t deserve to go. Oh, Jen, this is just the tip of the iceberg for unfair eliminations. Brace your naïve self for a world of pain.
Still In It: Creighton, Aaron and Jen

Uh-Ohs! PLOT TWIST!

The judges advanced too many people to the next round, so they were forced to make some painful cuts. Let me explain how cruel this process was. The contestants had already celebrated because the judges told them they were moving on after their performances. Then, a day or hours later, the rug was pulled out from under their happy feet. These final eliminations weren’t pretty.

In list form, the final cuts included:
1) Gabi Carrubba – There were tears. A lot of tears. I fear that this was foreshadowed at the beginning of the show.
2) Schyler Dixon – Oh, that is just SO WRONG! Look what you did to your sister, Colton!
3) Angie Zeiderman
4) Candice Glover – WTF, judges?
5) Johnny Keyser – I know, right? I was convinced he would win this thing! And who on Earth would prefer Reed Grimm over dreamy Johnny Keyser? Trolls. That’s who.
6) Jairon Jackson – Rachel does not approve.
7) Britnee Jackson – She left us with this heart-wrenching parting words: “My every performance was perfect. I don’t get it. I don’t get it. This is my life. This is what I do. It’s crazy. I don’t wanna go home.” Well, I’d be pissed off, too, if I got cut and my mouthy, less talented group member got to stay.

And that’s how the cookie crumbled. How do you feel about the last minute eliminations? Cruel and unusual punishment or great reality TV fodder? Is Reed Grimm, in fact, a joke created by the murky elf caverns of Uncle Steven’s mind? At least we’re almost to the voting rounds now. I feel like I’ve been recapping nothing forever. There’s nothing like a dependable cast of characters to make me feel right at home.

Hollywood Week - Part 2: "I think a little sleep deprivation brings out the best in everybody."

It’s officially happened, Dawgs. The cackling dark witches who run Idol have graduated from simply dashing dreams and causing mental duress during Ryan Seacrest’s favorite time of the year, The Group Round. Now those haggard, wart covered wizards have unleashed a plague on the children for optimum dramatic effect. We’ll call it the Black Idol Plague of 2012. Nuts of wonder, and here I thought the teen-bots were soulless. They’re just collateral damage to the dark witches, those wicked creatures who recite hexes backstage and fill the kids’ food with potions. This has to stop!

A plague on all your Idols!

How about all of those sick contestants? I’m torn about whether they were all afflicted with the Black Idol Plague (BIP, for short), or if some of them were maybe faking it for camera time. Oh, shush! You know you were thinking it, too. Look at how much camera time Symone got for falling off the stage. It was only a matter of time before the narcissists who try out to become America’s Favorite Karaoke Singer would figure out that America loves to watch kids almost die. What does this say about us as a culture? People are the pits, aren’t we? Just the pits. I wonder why we keep tolerating people.

So you’ll notice that this recap is compressing the worthless episode of contestants vomiting all over and sniping at each other, the actual group performances, and the final auditions before the Holding Rooms of Doom. I couldn’t figure out a way to recap Thursday’s episode without hating myself for writing things like, “Contestant X cried and argued with Contestant Y about the key of the song, and then Contestant Z puked in a potted plant. Also: no one sang.” This will be a long recap. Just the longest. I hope you have an appropriate beverage and snack prepared because Season 11’s about to get real. This … is … American Idol!

Last time on Idol … A little girl fell off the stage!

After exploiting the crap out of Symone’s scary tumble, Idol started Thursday’s episode with a thumbs-up. Symone would survive; Idol’s self-respect wouldn’t. Apparently, the little thing hadn’t eaten enough that day. These things are important, children. Proper nutrition prevents freefalls from stages. It actually says that in the food pyramid.

Yes, I'm an artist in my free time. I know. My talents are totally wasted on these recaps. ;)



The Groups

The Betty’s – “Hit ‘Em Up Style”

Members: Jennifer Mulch, Cherie Tucker, Cari Quoyeser, Brianna Bell

BIP Victim: Gabrielle Cavassa

For the first time in their lives, the ladies in this group suffered from a little known affliction named Fatigue. Gabrielle dropped early during their rehearsals, puking into a bucket or trash can or something before the medics rescued her from the dazzling personalities in her group. The ladies couldn’t get their act together, probably because that Jennifer girl was incredibly anal and bossy. Eventually, Cherie, Cari and Brianna broke Jennifer’s manic little heart by going to bed. Jennifer couldn’t believe it, just couldn’t wrap her mind around the implication that the others were giving up on their dreams. She sobbed a bit and called her mommy, all like, “Why doesn’t anyone want to play with me? This is just like that slumber party I hosted in second grade when all the other girls were so bratty and refused to refer to me as Princess Jennifer and bring me Ring Pops. What is wrong with people?” Eventually, Brianna came back, crying, “I’m not leaving!” This was a once-in-a-lifetime chance, after all. Gotta respect the dreams.

By the time the girls were up to perform, they all pretended to be best friends and then went on to give a truly dreadful group performance. Poor Gabrielle sounded like she was physically trying to hold back the contents of her stomach. The only one who sounded good was Cari. Even the contestants in the audience gave the camera the side-eye while The Betty’s performed. Really bad. What a way to start off the day. Only Jennifer and Cari moved on to the next round. Oh, and then Cherie came down with BIP, too. “I feel really cheated. I do,” Cherie sobbed after defiling the bathroom. Then she wretched and dry-heaved a little for emphasis, and nuts of wonder, this show. THIS SHOW!

Groove Sauce – “Hold On, I’m Comin’”

Members: Reed Grimm, Nick Boddington, Creighton Fraker, Aaron Marcellus, Jen Hirsh

Groove Sauce had no group round drama, except for the disaster that is their group name. Groove Sauce? Ew. I’m suspicious about the formation of this group. Something tells me that they didn’t toil around the chaotic stage searching for a group, only to come up with a professional level a cappella arrangement of a Blues Brother classic. Producers, is this your handiwork?

I would have enjoyed Groove Sauce’s performance more if all the members weren’t so smug. They were all very pleased with themselves, weren’t they? Especially Reed Grimm. Sure, they sounded amazing, and the harmonies were fabulous. But geez, I’m not feeling their Groove Sauce. And have you noticed that all the contestants sound the same this year? All the boys are trying to be Casey Abrams, and all of the girls are trying to be a mix of Adele and Haley Reinhart. Strange.

6-7-9 – “Hit ‘Em Up Style”

Members: Kyle Crews, Brielle Von Hugel, Joshua Ledet, Shannon Magrane

Brielle’s mom was a character. Stage moms make up my nightmares, but Mrs. Von Hugel still has nothing on Dance Moms. Abby Lee Miller would chew that woman up and spit her out. But since someone had to be horrible, Brielle and mama dearest stepped up to the plate. “She’s bossy,” Mrs. Von Hugel giggled as her daughter forced horrible dance moves on her group members. “She rules the roost.” Brielle rolled her eyes at awkward teen-thing Kyle Crews, apparently because he just didn’t get it. Mrs. Von Hugel agreed, eyeing the inferior young man with a smirk and murmuring, “I don’t wanna be a stage mother, but …”

I wonder who named this group. 6-7-9 doesn’t make sense. Is it one of the kids’ locker combinations? Joshua Ledet blasted onto my radar with this performance. The others sounded okay, well, except Kyle, who was totally ill-fitted to the pop/hip-hop music of 2001. Brielle’s mom looked so smug, standing in the audience, dancing with the other moms. Some people don’t do their kids any favors. Anyways, Shannon Magrane performed with this group, too. You know, the “hot, humid and happening” girl? She’s still around. Only Kyle got the axe in this group, giving Brielle and her mom a chance to be big fakey fakers and pretend to be sorry to see him go. What goes around comes around, Von Hugel family.

Make You Believers – “More Than a Feeling”

Members: Dustin Cundiff, Mathanee Treco

BIP Victims: Amy Brumfield, Jacquie Cera

Oh dear, what a hot mess. Remember Amy the Tent Girl? Well, she was apparently sick. Ryan kept calling her Patient Zero, like she started the outbreak of BIP. I don’t know about that. Amy didn’t show any outward symptoms. While others were puking and passing out, she just complained a lot and pretended to sniffle. I don’t think she’s all that confident. Maybe she wanted to return to her tent in Tennessee. To make matters worse, the normally up-beat Jacquie succumbed to something right before the performance, collapsing in the aisle and sobbing, “I’m so dizzy. I’m so dizzy.”

The others didn’t know how to pull it together without Jacquie, but they didn’t have to worry because the lady wasn’t that dizzy. Their group was a disaster, though. Just the worst. Dustin forgot the lyrics, Amy sounded like a lamb in the throes of death, and Jacquie screeched desperately like a hyena. The only one who sounded halfway decent was Mathanee, who incidentally was the only one to stay in the competition. “This whole group was a bit of a mess,” Randy said, his face lined with judgment. Ryan sure felt sorry for Amy, though. “And a crushed Amy Brumfield has to go back to Tennessee,” his voice-over bemoaned. And her tent. Let’s not forget that the lady lives in a tent. Idol’s so sad sometimes, Dawgs.

Those Girls & That Guy – “Stuck Like Glue”

Members: Christian Lopez, Alisha Bernhardt, Samantha Novacek

There once was a really annoying cop from St. Louis who tormented the people of Season 11’s group round by going around and telling them that she’s a cop. And nobody likes cops. And why the hell don’t they like cops? Reality check, Alisha: I think that, maybe, they just didn’t like you. She searched near and far for the perfect group to sing one of two songs with her, “Joy to the World” or “Stuck Like Glue.” Alisha makes no exceptions. She would not compromise. Thems the breaks, and the others could take it or leave it. Eventually, Alisha found a group of untalented people who delivered the saddest rendition of “Stuck Like Glue” ever. No one survived. Alisha had to return to the streets of St. Louis again, keeping the fine citizens safe and putting away bad guys. What a bummer.

Area 451 – Song Unknown

Members: Johnny Keyser, Kristi Klause

BIP Victim: Imani Handy

These people weren’t even seen on Thursday’s show, and then Imani got a case of the faints. She fainted while they went over the song a final time. Then her mom had to hold her up, carry her around, probably feed her some applesauce until Imani fainted in the auditorium. Conventional wisdom would tell her to give up and go to A) a doctor or B) bed. BUT NO! Imani had a dream, and she was determined to faint all over it until she achieved her goals.

Johnny and Kristi sounded pretty good during the performance, but all of that was overshadowed when Imani fainted while she was singing. Nuts of wonder! She shouldn’t have been up on that stage to begin with, considering that she was fainting at a dangerous rate. Idol is not worth brain damage, you twit. The best part of this bit, though, was the point when Johnny realized Imani was falling and totally failed to catch her. THEN he kept on singing until Randy was like, “Cut the music!” LOL, Johnny. You really didn’t care, did you? Imani was okay, but J. Lo laid down the law. “Baby, I’m sorry. You’re going home.” Best decision of the night.

Hollywood Five – Song Unknown

Members: Eben Franckewitz, Gabi Carrubba, David Leathers Jr., Jeremy Rosado

These kids totally deserved a big plate of cookies for their performance. No drama, no BIP transmissions, no awfultastic meltdowns. They sounded a thousand times better than the older groups. Good for them. I’m glad they all made it through to the next round because they deserved it. I wonder if Davy Jr. picked up any girls after that performance …

M.I.T. (Most International Team) – Song Unknown

Members: Heejun Han, Richie Law, Jairon Jackson

BIP Victim: Phil Phillips

Heejun was not digging Richie Law and his cowboy hat. Richie’s a driven little fellow, isn’t he? He wanted the best for his group, and the only way he knew how to make this happen was by being an annoying little Napoleon. I get it. However, Heejun was on fire when it came to the cowboy. “That kid is crazy. I don’t know how they do it in cowboy town, but this isn’t how we bring it down, man. Cowboy … I don’t even know his name.” As Richie unknowingly sucked away the souls of his group members, Heejun only got angrier. “Phillip had a kidney stone, and Cowboy had a brainstorm or whatever’s wrong with him. Freakin’ cowboys.” Richie was totally clueless, though. He was a hero, damn it! Why didn’t the other get that? “We’re on the verge of killing each other … But again, it’s part of playing nice with other kids,” Richie said with a smirk that made his cowboy hat look even bigger. Oh, fiddlesticks. People with other people. It’s complicated.

Somehow, and don’t ask me how, M.I.T. didn’t totally suck during their performance. Sure, they weren’t entirely in sync, but all of them pulled off good solos. Heejun sounded especially fun and raspy, and I could actually understand what Phil was singing. By the way, I’m counting Phil’s kidney stones as BIP, just to be safe. They all moved on to the next round, and as the group pretended to love each other, Heejun decided to deliver either the most fair-minded or the most sarcastic comment of the night: “Richie, I’m really, really sorry about what happened. Maybe you will see on TV, but I said bad stuff about you. So you check Season 11 of American Idol. I talk lot of craps about Richie. I’m really sorry to your parents.” The smirk he flashed at the camera makes me lean toward sarcastic.

Rapid Rundown of Solo Performances

Everyone and His Brother Sang “Georgia on My Mind”

Jen Hirsh gave the best performance of this song. I didn’t like her voice until then. The music seems to possess her when she sings, so she lays it all out there. Adam Brock (who’s a new daddy, you know) gave a competent performance, although I still think he’s about as relevant to today’s music industry as the lint catcher in my dryer. Then the Worst Person Ever Reed Grimm threw a hissy for 30 minutes before his performance when he learned he couldn’t sing a cappella. He annoyed the no-nonsense vocal coach and music director Michael Orland before running off to his hotel room to call his mommy. 26-years-old, ladies and gentlemen, and he ran off to call his mommy. Apparently, that caused inspiration to strike, and Reed decided to play the drums while he sang. It was fine, I guess. I’m just not a fan of Reed Grimm at all. His presence on Idol brings out my bad side.

A Couple Sang “What a Wonderful World”

I’ll give the edge to Creighton Fraker with this song. His clothes are seriously tragic, he has a mini mullet, and his forehead and voice remind of Matt the Forehead from Season 8, but he sang the hell out of that song. Shannon Magrane did well with it. She has control beyond her years and good pitch, but I still feel like she’s trying to sing in the wrong genre.

Joshua Ledet’s the Best – “Jar of Hearts”

Where did this young man come from, and why did I have to wait so long to hear from him? Dressed in a tie and untucked shirt, Joshua took the Christina Perri hit to church. And nuts of wonder, was I ever pleased. At least there’s one guy this year who isn’t attempting to be the love child of Casey Abrams and Taylor Hicks.

Colton Dixon Does the Same Thing as Last Year – “What About Love”

Why do I feel like he performed this song last season? He loves all that Chris Daughtry / David Cook faux rock a whole bunch. His skunk hair does his mediocre voice no favors. He can carry a tune, but the tune tends to be nasally. And really, I call shenanigans on his versatility if he can’t figure out more songs to sing in a whole year.

Colton in my mind

One Country Girl Flies and another Country Girl Crashes and Burns

Oh, Rachelle Lamb, I think you had it coming. Don’t exploit your kids, or the world will smite you. She completely shut down during her solo and asked to start over. Her ouster was a foregone conclusion after that. Skylar Laine delivered another spunky country performance and is slowly becoming one of this season’s most likable contestants.

THE HOLDING ROOMS OF DOOM

An Idol season isn’t complete without the producers making the contestants set their pride aside and sit on the floor in a cluster like refugees. The suspense wasn’t killing me this year, though. No, I had a feeling Room 3 was doomed. How awkward was it when that bratty girl snapped at Rachelle Lamb for belching? Nuts of wonder, what an embarrassing way to get in a fight on national television. “Your belch offended me, and I think you should take our inevitable doom more seriously.” People are just the worst sometimes.

But who lived to see Las Vegas? You’re so lucky I can pause my DVR and take down these names. The things I do for you …

Creighton Fraker, Jen Hirsh, Hallie Day, Erika Van Pelt, Adam Brock, Joshua Ledet, David Leathers Jr., Johnny Keyser, Jermaine Jones, Lauren Grey, Phil Phillips, Eben, Skylar Laine, Shannon Magrane, Reed Grimm, Jessica Phillips, Stefanie Renee, Haylie Brown, Angie Zeiderman, Britnee Kellogg, Heejun Han, Richie Law, and Gabi Carrubba

Maybe we’ll learn the rest of their names tonight.

So how did you feel about Hollywood Week, Dawgs? Have you immunized against BIP? Isn’t Reed Grimm the worst? Will Amy Brumfield’s forest home get quarantined? Bambi better watch out for her.



Hollywood Week - Part One: "I've been told there's a large black woman trapped inside my body."

Ryan Seacrest thinks that Hollywood Week is the Cat’s Meow. Oh, he pretends to be concerned for the contestants and their collective case of the nerves, but after 11 seasons, that wily leprechaun isn’t fooling

me. He loves to watch the kids, all fresh-faced and bright-eyed, hopping off their planes for the first time and staying in real hotels with, like, real beds and stuff. He relishes their optimism, their conviction that they will be the next American Idol (hopefully more successful than Taylor Hicks and Lee What’s-His-Face). And then he delights (on the inside, of course) when the kids meet each other, hear their peers sing, and realize that they sound exactly like everyone else. For the children, Hollywood Week is a nightmare. For Ryan Seacrest, Hollywood Week is better than Christmas.



Ryan does his Happy Dance with Crazy Paul McDonald.



Act as grim as you want while explaining the audition process, little guy. You don’t fool me, Seacrest!

Tomorrow, I’ll have the opportunity to launch this season’s dramatic arc (based on The Princess Bride, of course) because the group round always has prime pickings for casting villains and heroes. Today, unfortunately, I need to focus on how awfultastic 95% of the kids sounded last night. No wonder Ryan looked so smug. He even lied to us, saying that the creepy children of Season 11 were among the “nation’s elite.” I suppose that could mean anything, when you think about it. Perhaps the contestants are “elite” at other things (darts, jazzercise, Zumba, volleyball, etc.), and Idol’s simply trying to expand its reach. Regardless of where the “elite” designation came from, I wasn’t impressed with last night’s talent. Awfultastic may not even describe how unimpressed I was.

It should have been evident that I would hate everyone and everything last night when the show opened with grown people being roused from bed by their mothers. Ew. I don’t want to see anyone’s sleepy face. I don’t want to see my own sleepy face in the morning, damn it. Nuts of wonder, Idol. When did you get so tasteless?

With that in mind, let’s hope in a plane for our first plane ride ever, jump a few times on our totally new hotel beds, and get reacquainted with Hollywood! Warning: No dreams allowed past this point. This … is … American Idol!

“Who put the ‘ape’ in apricot? What have they got that I ain’t got?” – Uncle Steven Pep Talk

Cluster #1 – Johnny Keyser and Heejun Han

These young men couldn’t be any more different. Johnny already looks primed for a cover shoot with Teen Beat magazine, and Heejun’s like the awkward kid at school who can’t figure out how to dress himself. Johnny has the personality of a split pea, and Heejun is my Sound Bite Savior of the season. “I got here, and everyone’s so tall and pretty. Even the guys are so pretty. I don’t know what they eat, but they’re so good-looking,” Heejun said before his audition. Puppies and kittens, Heejun. They eat puppies and kittens to be so handsome. People don’t look that good without some level of witchcraft.

Johnny sang Amos Lee’s “Dreamin’” with an air of confidence that had 99% of the kids in the audience seething with jealousy. Wow, that pretty-eyed boy had some amazing control. I don’t think his style of music will take him anywhere in the music industry today, but things like cultural relevance don’t matter on Idol these days. Heejun sang “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” like he hadn’t been freaking out about all the pretty boys moments before. His crystal clear tone was refreshing compared to the melismatic tendencies of his fellow contestants. They both made it through to the group round, so I guess Heejun still has time for a makeover.

Cluster #2 – Elise Testone, Baylie Brown and Hallie Day

Typing these recaps makes me hyperaware of some useless things, like the way Elise Testone’s last name automatically appears in my head as “testosterone.” Yikes. I think this calls for a stage name. So Elise, a 28-year-old with skin so fried she looks 40 (mean but true), sang something and sounded decent, I guess. I don’t know, Dawgs. Testosterone. Sometimes my brain just freezes on things. Despite the best attempts of those witches from Jersey, Baylie Brown’s still kicking. She didn’t sound as good as she did at her previous audition, though. Hallie Day, the ex-girl group member, ex-drug addict, current sob story pusher, sang “You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman)” like she wanted to actually make me feel like a natural woman. Nuts of wonder, that woman’s intensity freaks me out. Hallie really needs to tone it down a notch. And by “it,” I’m referring to everything. All three made it through to the group round, where I’m sure Baylie will be sabotaged again in a segment full of LAWLs.

“Don’t Stop! Don’t stop!” – Uncle Steven trying to remember the lyrics for his Journey audition

Cluster #3 – Jen Hirsh and Lauren Gray

Did you realize that all the contestants were nervous in Hollywood? I know! They hid it so well! Fortunately, Ryan was there to fill us in on the secret details. Jen was afraid of fidgeting during her audition, so she practiced holding her hands rigidly at her sides. Yes, my dear, better to look like a teen-bot than an actual person. Good call. She sang “Up to the Mountain” for the judges, and naturally, her arms went flailing akimbo. Remember when Crystal Bowersox sang “Up to the Mountain” in Season 9? Well, keep remembering that because Jen’s rendition was vastly inferior. She screeched and moaned and shouted, and for some reason, the judges ate it up like pudding.

Then Lauren, the only Golden Ticket recipient from St. Louis without a sob story, walked up and performed the same song she did before. Whoa, Scotty McCreery! Let’s not get carried away. Baby lock them … Baby lock them … Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down low! If Lauren didn’t sing Adele’s “One and Only” like a cow sounds when it gives birth, I wouldn’t care so much. But that’s how she sounded. The truth hurts (my ears). In a move that surprised nobody, the judges put them through to the next round.

“Just a tiny bit? Just a tiny … Please? It won’t hurt you!” – Deranged brunette contestant seconds before hurting us all

Cluster #4 – BAD AUDITIONS

What can I say? The auditions were bad. I’m sure the judges would be disturbed if they knew I thought these auditions sounded suspiciously similar to the girls in Cluster #3, but we’ll let bygones be bygones.

“I have to go back to nothing. NOTHING!” – Travis Orlando shortly before going back home (to nothing)

Cluster #5 – Phil Phillips, Reed Grimm and Travis Orlando

I call BS on this segment. Travis may have made a bad call by dropping out of high school, but he sounded a thousand times better than Phil and Reed. Bloody hell, I don’t think the show had any intention of keeping him beyond the first round of Hollywood – a cold move considering that they cut him at the exact same time last season. High school! They could have told him to go back to high school! So now Travis has lost his dreams again, and Idol just carelessly ships him back to the homeless shelter from whence he came. To take a phrase from Paula Abdul, Idol’s a “cold-hearted snake” sometimes.

So remember that one time when Phil Phillips sang “Thriller” and played his guitar? Not to channel my inner-Randy Jackson, but I don’t think Phil’s going to out-do that. I’m not sure what he sang last night, but it didn’t sound good. Too much random style for his simple boy-next-door story. First time on a plane, y’all. Idol makes dreams come true and stuff. And then there was Reed Grimm, who I continue to resent even though he’s done nothing to harm or insult me. How do I explain my resentment? Well, first, he sang the song “I’ve Got a Golden Ticket” from Willy Wonka. Second, he sang the awfultastic song like he was in the midst of an electroshock therapy session. Third, he’s a smug little monster who plays to the audience like a cheap second-rate children’s entertainer. And lastly, his name. I don’t like his name. But honestly, I hope that trainwreck stays on Idol for weeks to come because I’ll have field day with his antics. Phil and Reed made it through to the group round, and I’m sure they’ll really enjoy all the food Travis won’t be eating.

“Another day, another dollar; another man to give you a holler.” – Uncle Steven

Cluster #6 – Adam Brock and Jane Carrey

“They’re dropping like flies,” Adam Brock said of his heart-broken peers, “but not me.” Oh, great, a man with an oversized ego. I’ve never seen that on Idol before. When the Idol producers take a liking to a contestant, they’ll tape them crying over anything. Remember the Giant from 2 years ago who exploited the birth of his child that he wasn’t there to attend? Adam Brock picked up where he left off by exploiting the infant that he won’t get to cuddle while he’s in Hollywood. Stop it, Adam! Stop the tomfoolery this instant! I do not care that you, like every other contestant with kids, had to sacrifice spending time with your family to pursue your “dreams” that will ultimately lead you to ruin. This is your choice!

Ahem! Excuse me, Dawgs. My heart got a little rusty there. Just a little WD-40, and I’ll be ready to go …

Adam, who claims to have the soul of a large black woman in him, sang “Walkin’ in Memphis” after sucking up to J. Lo for an extended amount of time that made Randy green with envy. Stop that, Adam. J. Lo doesn’t want to sit next to Shrek. I was expecting better than what I heard. Adam definitely has talent, but his voice sounds just like the Taylor Hicks' and Casey Abrams' of Idol Seasons Past. Only now, the genre has lost its novelty on the show, and Adam just made me want to bop him on his big head for exploiting his family. His audition was followed by Jane Carrey, daughter of Jim Carrey (for realz), who seemed like a really cool person and could actually sing. Just as I was envisioning how awfultastic this season would be with Jim Carrey mugging for the camera from the audience of the Idol-dome, the judges gave Jane the axe and put Adam through to the group round. Huh. So I guess nepotism is dead. Who knew?

“Listen. None of you should ever have to be on that stage and beg.” – Randy in a moment of clarity

Cluster #7 – David Leathers, Shannon Magrane and Jessica Phillips

David Leathers and his little vests and ties are a force to reckon with, I think. Not only is he still hitting on the ladies at a rapid rate, but the boy can definitely sing. His rendition of Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me” didn’t waste any time with the verses and just went right for the bridge with the super high note. And he nailed it! Fortunately, Shannon Magrane’s daddy hasn’t filed a restraining order against Uncle Steven on her behalf, so she could attend the Hollywood auditions. Unfortunately, her performance of “Fallin’” was sleepy and uninspired. It felt like she was trying to be something other than she is. Contestants who lack a clear sense of who they are tend to struggle on Idol. Jessica Phillips brought her boyfriend to Hollywood so they could continue to emotionally manipulate me. D’Angelo was so nervous, wasn’t he? “She’s good,” he said. “I’m like a bag of nerves.” A bag of nerves, huh? Must be serious. Jessica’s “All the Man I Need” was good until she injected all the unnecessary melisma at the end. I still feel like D’Angelo’s the real star of this relationship. David, Shannon and Jessica received yeses from the judges, and they’ll live to suffer an eternity of damnation in the group round.

Cluster #8 – Erika Van Pelt, Creighton Fraker and Aaron Marcellus

Erika, everyone’s favorite mobile DJ, sang a Pink song for her audition. Did you ever notice how quaint Idol thinks a job is? I can just imagine the producers in a conference room, toiling over all the contestant applications. One of them comes to a page, slams down his martini glass, and stands up with wide eyes. “You guys. You GUYS! This one has a job. Like a real person or something. OMG, call up Ryan Seacrest. We have to exploit the crap out of this one. A job. Can you believe it? Do you think she makes real money?” Erika’s lovely alto is still one of my favorite voices in the competition.

Remember Creighton Fraker, that creature from NYC who made a lady blow bubbles on him while he sang in a park? Dressed in a confused lady vest and suspenders, he sang “Somebody to Love” in a competent but whiny voice. And then Aaron Marcellus (Shale?) claimed to be a music teacher and sang two lines of a song that consisted of melisma and nothing else. Somehow, the judges were all like, “That’s enough. That’s enough! Your complete lack of melody is the greatest thing ever!” Whatevs. All three made it to the next round.

“Medic, please!” – Nigel Lithgoe

Cluster #9 – Lauren Mink, Jeremy Rosado and Symone Black

Poor Lauren. The charming director of a program for adults with disabilities (longest job title EVER) was on my good side after her first audition in Savannah. Alas, no one stays on my good side for long on this show. Her performance of Heart’s “Alone” was cringe-worthy. She even changed keys, which J. Lo noticed right away. As J. Lo and Randy conferred about how much she sucked, it was obvious that Lauren could see her dreams going down the proverbial toilet. When she finally stopped singing, her face was bright red, and she looked close to tears. Then some dude named Jeremy talked about being a germaphobe who works in an infectious disease clinic. He sounded awfultastic, and that’s all I remember.

Finally, we had the privilege of watching the one moment that Idol teased to high heaven. It started off normally enough. Symone Black has a stage dad who pushes her to be the best she can be. She sang “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay” for the judges, and while I was slightly disturbed by her speech impediment (don’t sing the word “sitting” if your S’s sound like SH’s), Allen thought she was good. Randy asked Symone why she chose that song, and we almost got into a funny exchange where she admitted to picking it to appeal to older people (ie – the apparently decrepit judges). Then disaster struck! You could tell the moment Symone started to feel faint because she wobbled like a weeble while the judges looked on in blatant ignorance. Nuts of wonder, her tumble from the stage was bad. She just went face down to the floor, narrowly missing a cameraman. Fortunately, Nigel was close at hand, and he immediately called for a “medic” because that’s what British people say. Poor Symone’s dad. Poor Symone. I’m going to take a wild guess that she survived the fall, so I don’t know why they cut off the show like Symone’s very survival was a cliffhanger (or stagehanger, as it were). Also, we still don’t know what members of Cluster #9 made it to the group round.

I hope we get some answers during the group round. Is Symone okay? Will the talent get any better? Will Ryan ever let his true glee in the face of the suffering of others show? Why does Uncle Steven say such strange things? Tune in tonight to find out!

St. Louis Auditions: "I like your moxie."

Checotah, Oklahoma – 2004 A fresh-faced young woman performs some farm tasks in front of the camera – tractor riding, hay baling, animal caring. You know, the usual. Twice a week, though, this hard-working American princess sits on her modest couch in her modest living room and forgets about the absolute horror of living a regular life. And how does she escape from the cruelties of farm life in Checotah, Oklahoma? By watching Idol, of course! This is the story. This is why we watch the show. This is why … HOLY CRAP, THAT’S CARRIE UNDERWOOD!

I love how Idol still insists on pretending that Carrie was some sort of pathetic cow back in the day. It’s like they want us to believe that she was playing a banjo on the street for tips until she took a trip to St. Louis and Idol saved her life. I don’t look as good at my office job as Carrie did covered in dirt and manure doing farm work. Some people win the genetic lottery, and Carrie’s one of them. Let’s stop pretending, Idol. “Now a new crop of talent will take that same trip hoping to create the same magic all over again,” gushed Ryan. Haven’t we been trying that since Season 4? Haven’t we failed each time? Maybe we should stop looking for the next Carrie Underwood now. It doesn’t seem to be working.

But St. Louis. St. Louis with its giant arch and other stuff. Apparently, it has something to offer the music world. I guess that every person in St. Louis attended the auditions, save one crotchety old taxi driver named Walter who was just pissed about the congestion that the influx of people would cause. That was kind of jarring, huh? The way Idol all but claims a city for a couple of days, all shiny and big and loud. You kind of forget that while all the hoopla is going on, real people are still living their lives, driving taxi cabs, taking the kids to school, working on the streets. REALITY TV, Dawgs. Thank you, Walter the Taxi Driver, for keeping us humble.

St. Louis had quite a few sob stories. Lots of people felt they had something to cry about on camera. See, that’s the difference between your average Idol contestant and your average regular person: A complete lack of shame and social appropriateness. Oh, I kid. (A little) The talent wasn’t bad, though. “Other than the arch and music, what do you know about this town?” one reporter asked Uncle Steven. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’m ashamed of how little I know about St. Louis. “Mmmm, a couple of girlfriends from here,” Uncle Steven shared. Ew. So even “The Gateway to the West” hasn’t been untouched by the old badger’s sweet lovin’. Good to know.

This … is … American Idol!

Let’s All Cry Together

I’m not trying to be unkind, oh-naïve-contestants-with-lame-sob-stories. You made me do it. A jaded Idol recapper can only take so much.

Johnny Keyser was raised by his dad after his parents got a divorce. So … I suppose he’s in good company with 50% of his peers. I didn’t think this segment was all that sad. His dad was kind of awesome, awkwardly giving him man hugs and talking about how he makes a mean PB&J sandwich. John and Johnny (yes, too cute) even do recreational activities together like water skiing. This wasn’t sad, Idol. I don’t understand why you started the segment with the sad background music. So Johnny, a waiter and college student, found out the Idol auditions were coming to St. Louis and thought, “Meh. Might as well give it a try.” The judges immediately perked up when good-natured Johnny walked into the audition room because the 22-year-old is kind of a looker. And by “kind of,” I mean dreamy enough to become a force in the competition. Those eyes, Dawgs, will win votes. Johnny performed “A Change is Gonna Come” for his audition, and the judges were collectively floored. I don’t blame them. Johnny has soul and great control. J. Lo was especially taken with the clean-cut crooner. I’m sure anything looks better to her after her failed marriage with that dwarf Marc Anthony. Resounding yeses and pounding fists on the desk ensued, and Johnny’s taking his cute little mug to Hollywood.

Rachelle Lamb had a clear strategy when she walked into the audition, and that strategy centered on exploiting her adorable young daughter. I’m not sure what was more inappropriate about this segment; the use of the little girl to gain esteem with the judges or the way Rachelle blatantly trashed the kid’s father in front of her. Idol contestants: Your emotional baggage is supposed to be a private thing! Rachelle, who I am naming Beelzebub from this point forward, giggled and flirted with the judges about how her ex-husband destroyed her dreams (funny how frequent that is these days) and didn’t like her audition song. Uncle Steven loved that bit. His entire being filled with glee when Beelzebub started singing Faith Hill’s “Find Somebody New.” She has a great country voice, unfortunately. I was kind of hoping she’d suck, but that was unlikely the moment her kid walked into the audition room with her. Oh, well. You know she’s going to Hollywood. If Idol doesn’t work out, maybe she can form a band with the 18 other contestants who only just tried out because their husbands crushed their dreams. As the women’s right movement taught us, we’re literally incapable of possessing dreams, ambitions, or happiness if we’re involved with a man who doesn’t believe in them, too.

Reis Kloeckener was picked on in school because he was small. Nuts of wonder, I can’t even type about these sob stories anymore. They are slowly draining my soul. In the time we spent talking about Reis’ tragic adolescence, we could have seen more than 5 out of 46 Golden Ticket recipients. This student / pizza maker sang “Lean on Me” for his audition. Despite his melismatic tendencies – sometimes a melody can simply remain a melody, sweetie – Reis’ voice is pretty good. However, he NEEDS to OPEN HIS EYES. He can’t be on TV and sing with his eyes closed. For some reason unknown to God and man, Uncle Steven got emotional during the audition. “You know, man, that was so beautiful you made me cry.” Wow. The people who auditioned before Reis must have been really bad.

Ethan Jones’ sob story has been omitted in deferment to my mental health. Believe me, though, it was a doozy. My favorite part of Ethan’s segment was the fact that he was so nervous in the holding room that he managed to cut his eyebrow by scratching it. Blood, tears, denial. Idol has it all. Ethan chose Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be” for his audition song, which is about the whiniest song ever. I think Ethan’s having an itty bitty identity crisis. Even though he sings in a country band, he chose some schmaltzy contemporary rock ballad? Not a good move. The judges loved Ethan’s unassuming personality. I loved the humanizing cut on his head. So naturally, he’s going to Hollywood.

Lauren Gray didn’t have a sob story. Well done, Miss Thang. She works for the family business, which is a one-stop wedding shop. OMG, that may be the greatest thing ever. She sings in a band with her adoring father, and it’s all very quaint and small-town. Lauren sang Adele’s “One and Only,” and the judges slobbered all over themselves about her voice. I was a bit underwhelmed. She definitely has the country rock thing going for her, but it seemed like she had the volume set to eleven at all times. Singing quietly isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It adds color and texture to the vocal and makes people sit up and pay attention. Although Lauren’s voice isn’t my cup of tea, J. Lo decided her voice was one of the best they’d heard in the competition. Oh. Oh, okay, then. The judges are making some really bold statements this year. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to tolerate them.

So those were the five people that we’re apparently supposed to care about from St. Louis. What do you think, Walter the Taxi Driver?

“That’s what all this is – people with a good set of pipes. Correct? I don’t know. If twenty thousand of them have a good set of pipes, I don’t wanna listen to all those people.”

Out of the mouths of senior citizens, Dawgs.

The bad auditions were pretty scarce in this episode. One guy left Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose” beaten and bloody on the streets (!), even though he claimed to be married to music. Randy, in a moment of rare comedic timing, quipped, “Your wife’s gonna be wanting a divorce if you keep singing like that.” Then there was Mark Ingram, the hotel employee who dragged half of his co-workers into the audition room with him so they could witness his humiliation. However, even though Mark failed to advance to Hollywood, he achieved something no other man or woman on Earth has achieved before. He sweated so much that RYAN FREAKING SEACREST wiped his face off with a towel. OMG, Ryan. Celebrities are just like us.

And that brought Season 11’s audition tour of horrors to an anti-climactic end. Thank the Idol gods. Next week is HOLLYWOOD WEEK! No matter what happens, the previews have already confirmed that someone leaves in a stretcher. Why I’m so gleeful about this, I have no idea. Idol brings out the worst in me.

Enjoy the Super Bowl!

When Life Gets in the Way of American Idol

I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Last night, I reached a crossroads. It was 9:30 pm, I was tired, and my DVR provided me with 2 options: The Vampire Diaries or Idol.

*Looks away in shame*

And I chose The Vampire Diaries! But - but - but it was late, and the last episode ended in a cliff-hanger, and I have to take notes when I watch Idol. Notes. You'll forgive me, right? Right.

So the deal is this: I'll watch and review Idol this weekend. I promise. I promise. (My guilt is exponentially greater than your probable reaction to this devastating news.)

Portland Auditions: “And dude, refugee camp? Oh, my god. I don’t know, man.”

You know what Idol doesn’t respect enough? Dreams. I know. I KNOW. They talk about dreams all the time. Martin Luther King Jr. had nothing on Ryan Seacrest’s current monopoly of dreams. “Everyone in this crowd has a story,” Ryan said last night as the camera panned over the dozen or so contestants who still believed Idol could make them famous. “Everyone has a dream.” Seacrest has so much insight into human nature. Everyone does have a dream. Not to brag or anything, but I have several dreams every night. So if I dream hard enough, I’ll become a judge on Idol someday, right? If I fail, it’s only because my dreams are sub-par. That’s what Idol’s conventional wisdom on dreams leads me to believe, after all.

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And then they show us those fresh young faces in the crowd, shining with hopeful aspirations and dreams. So from what I’ve been led to believe, Idol is contractually obligated to make all their dreams come true. Unfortunately, in the great hell dimension know as Reality TV, this thing that claims to be a friend to all dreams is actually the place where dreams come to die. Even the good ones. You see, the one thing that Idol’s been hiding from the thousands of aspiring stars is the ugly, wretched truth. Charles Manson had a dream. The Unibomber did, too. Hitler totally had a dream, as did Darth Vader. All this time, we’ve been operating under an incorrect notion that all dreams are good. Any Idol audition episode will prove to you that dreams as a good thing is the most deluded dream of all. Wrap your heads around that, Dawgs. You’re welcome.

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But how about Portland, huh? It’s a pretty nice place despite the eternal cloud covering. The people in Portland seem to cope with the weather in different ways. They have to find a way to lighten up the doom and gloom, you know? Ryan called them “eclectic,” which when translated from Seacrest to English means, “These people are creeping me out. I need a day in the spa to wipe the stench of this city off my spray tan.” During the auditions, Portland was home to all of our standard dreams. So sit back, put on your sleeping masks, and fall into R.E.M., Dawgs.

This … is … American Idol! In your dreams!

The Prophetic Dreamer – Brittany Zika

This sadly dressed singer whose friends call her “Tripster the Hipster” (Didn’t Hipsters go out of style in 2010?) had a dream that she sang “Gravity” onstage with Sara Bareilles. And then it happened in real life! Nuts of wonder. Brittany took that as a sign that she was destined to be the next American Idol because obviously that was the next logical step. She’ll probably dream that into being, too. Even though Brittany attempted to sabotage her chances by wearing gigantic glasses, a fedora, boots, and suspenders, her voice during “The Story” was the real star of the audition. She had a smoky, almost sexy tone to her voice, and although it wasn’t perfect, it was enough to intrigue me. Once she was done singing, Randy was all, “Love your voice, dude, but you seriously look like you got thrown out of a mime convention for being too tacky. Show us what a pretty dude you are.” Brittany took of her glasses and hat, and all of a sudden, she looked stunning. Then Randy insisted that she take off her boots, too, and Uncle Steven started cackling at the possibilities. But J. Lo – thank God for J. Lo – put a stop to that and made sure that Brittany stayed fully dressed. Mon Dieu, I wonder how horrid the judging panel would be without J. Lo. Uncle Steven would be in jail now, probably. No matter. Brittany’s going to Hollywood!

The Look at Me Fly-eeeeee! Dreamer – Ben Purdom

You know those dreams where you can do really awesome stuff like fly, lift giant boulders without breaking a sweat, or become the most popular Idol blogger in the world? And then you wake up and feel all disappointment because, damn it, all those things are impossible in real life. Well, Ben Purdom had the dream; he just never realized that he woke up from it. The first look we got at Ben was in the interview room when he burped in response to the producer's question about his name, age, and hometown. Indigestion can be such a cruel mistress sometimes. Ben told us that he was incredibly nervous about the audition because he was deathly ill or something. To prove it, he coughed pathetically in the way kids do when they try to con their parents into letting them stay home from school sick. Very clever, Ben. Always design an exit strategy before you exit. He told Ryan that he sells cable TV on the streets, which sounds totally illegal when you say it like that. I sell imitation sunglasses … on the streets. I sell prescription drugs … on the streets. I sell stolen computer equipment … on the streets. I sell Ryan Seacrest's skin flakes ... on the streets. I hope Ben’s still working. I hope “on the streets” isn’t actually code for “one step away from a prison cell.” So, anyway, Ryan was quite the snark monster last night. He considered Ben’s occupation and then said, “If your singing is as good as your [sales] pitch … anywhere near the pitch …” Then he ushered Ben into the audition room. Ben, looking more pathetic than ever, told the judges that a co-worker (on the streets, apparently) told him to audition because he could recognize real talent. Oh, Ben. That co-worker is not your friend. He sang “Born This Way” and “Superbass” the same way Michael Buble would sing if Michael Buble were tone deaf. Right away, Ben was all like, “That sucked. I know. It’s because I’m sick, you see.” And the judges sent him on his way. Ben and his mother frantically explained to Ryan that his audition was bad because Ben was so sick that he couldn’t use his falsetto. Ryan closed the segment by saying, “We are left to wonder, had he not been too sick, what would that falsetto voice have sounded like?” *Snicker* I mean, poor Ben. LOL.

The BIG Dreamer – Jermaine Jones

Mama Jones may have been planning Jermaine’s run on Idol since before he was even conceived. She had big dreams for that boy, and she believed he would be a star even when he was in diapers. The whole Jones family is musical. Back in the day, Mama Jones sang at a church service right up to the moment when she had to go to the hospital and push Jermaine’s presumably 20 pound baby form out into the world. “He has it. He can do it. He will do it,” Mama Jones said confidently on the porch of their quaint little house. Jermaine smiled and nodded. Smiling and nodding were always key to Mama’s grand plan, after all. Standing at a petite 6 feet, 8 inches, Jermaine sang “Superstar” for his audition, and I hate to admit that I wasn’t overly impressed. My notes went like this:

- He’d sound like Luther Vandross if he didn’t suck so much.

- Oh, the judges like it. Oops.

Oops. J. Lo did tell him to loosen up a bit, so maybe I’m not completely crazy. Randy pounded the desk a few times and crowed, “The gentle giant goes to Hollywood!” Please, Randy. If he’s trying to encourage me to cast another person as Fezzik from The Princess Bride this season, he’s going to be sorely disappointed.

The Revenge Dreamer – Britnee Kellogg

I love the revenge dreams. They’re your brain’s way of settling scores without going to prison or making a scene in public, and we’ve all had them. Britnee managed to live her revenge dream on Idol. Is it bad that I couldn’t work up any sympathy for her sob story? “Oh, look at me, a gorgeous woman with 0% body fat and two adorable kids. My ex-husband totally didn’t support my dreams, and now I’m on the nation’s biggest show telling everyone about it. Life is so cruel and unfair! Whimper, whimper, whimper.” Apparently, she supported her lousy ex’s dreams to play basketball (Professionally? In a rec league? On the streets? I need to know!), and since that obviously meant she couldn’t pursue any dreams on her own, being consumed with his dreams and all, Britnee got to sit idly by without any music in her life while Lousy Ex pursued other women. Wow. This woman probably has to pay all kinds of money at the airport after she describes her multitude of baggage to the sales reps. I’m just saying that sometimes it’s better not to share so much. In one last Bite Me gesture to Lousy Ex, Britnee chose “You’re No Good” as her audition song. Uncle Steven found that hilarious, for some reason. “You have a beautiful sense of humor,” he gushed while simultaneously wondering if she was open to dating older men. Britnee’s voice was pretty good when she wasn’t seriously overdoing it with the hideous facial expressions. I sincerely doubt she’ll be making any waves in Hollywood, but at least she’s pretty. And she managed to coax some parenting advice from J. Lo, so she’ll always have the memories.

The OMG! My Family Just Transformed Into Talking Blueberry Muffins Dreamer – Sam Gershman

I think Sam got a bad edit by the producers. A woman willing to give dance lessons to the entire holding room can’t be all bad. Did you see how much choreography she taught them? For realz? I couldn’t do that. Mostly because I can’t dance but also because I’m not Sam Gershman. In the audition room, Randy thought her last name was Gershwin, and Sam replied, “No, it’s Gershman, but my dad’s name is Ira.” The judges didn’t get it. Cue the sound of crickets chirping. Geez, Idol. It isn’t like she made a dead baby joke or something. After an impossibly fast and high version of “I’m a Woman” that showcased no musical skill whatsoever, Uncle Steven said, “Could you have been more perky? You’ll make a good Easter bunny.” Sam just looked at him and was like, “I’m Jewish, but thanks.” Oh, Idol! It’s like this whole world of different people with different beliefs and dreams and stuff. So charming.

The Oh Crap, My Teeth Are Falling Out! Dreamer – David Weed

Randy was automatically like, “Is Weed really your last name?” No, Mr. Potato Head, he made it up just for the lulz. Freaking Randy. I don’t think I can tolerate him for a whole season. David works in the fast food industry, and Uncle Steven had to ask if he hates asking, “Do you want fries with that?” What the hell do you think, Einstein? The poor child is a walking advertisement for Depressed Inc. Nuts of wonder. David sang Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” so hard that the veins in his face looked ready to burst. It sounded awful, and no one seemed surprised by that. Even David was all, “Well, I also dream of being a comedian someday. Here, check out my self-deprecating and heart-breakingly unfunny joke before I go back to the grinding wheel I call life.” Poor David. I doubt his dreams will ever catch a break.

The Overcoming Adversity Dreamer – Romeo Diahn

This likable Liberian refugee has his adorable father to thank for this opportunity. His dad is kind of the best, isn’t he? He told the camera, “There is no pot of gold in America,” and insisted that hard work is the key to success. Romeo performed Bob Marley’s “Is This Love” for the judges. While his style is a little one-note, he’s very good at what he does. J. Lo only gave him a “little, tiny yes” because J. Lo always expects excellence, but the guys enthusiastically put Romeo through to Hollywood. Outside of the audition room, one of Romeo’s relatives eyed Ryan for a moment before asking, “So who are you?” Oh, my goodness, did you see all the light drain from Ryan’s eyes? That was quite the moment of truth, huh? Ryan staring up at a man named Junior the size of a monster, unable to comprehend a world where every person doesn’t know his name, Junior staring down at Ryan, wondering why the little guy was shaking with rage. This is why we watch Reality TV, Dawgs – for moments like that.

The Meet Your Favorite Celebrity Dreamer – Naomi Gillies

I met Jake Gyllenhaal in one dream, Henry Cavill in another. Le sigh. Those were the best dreams. (Don’t tell Allen.) Naomi timidly asked Uncle Steven for permission to sing “Cryin’,” and I immediately thought, “A classy move on Idol? This must be an alien!” But no, Naomi was fully human, and talented to boot! I’ll admit that her lower register was a bit shaky, but her belting during the chorus was superb. I hope to see her again in Hollywood.

The Optimistic Dreamer – Ben Harrison

Ben started his interview by admitting that his baby face is the most adorable thing since bunnies. He blazed onto the scene on a fluffy white cloud dressed in big people clothes and announced, “Finally, I’ve arrived!” Oh, I wanted Ben to be talented more than I want to find a witch who can turn off Randy’s voice forever. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. His voice literally sounded like a whistle while he sang “Somebody to Love,” and the judges apparently didn’t find Ben as delightful as I did. He blew a kiss at J. Lo and everything! “Why? Why? Why? Why?” Randy moaned when Ben left the room on the tail of a shooting star. Because he’s the best, Randy. Stop being such a spoilsport. Ben rejoined his family, shrugged, and beamed a smile at the camera that invoked the images of newborn kittens and laughing babies. “I’m glad my family was here to support me. We’re gonna go have some pizza. I’m glad I didn’t puke or pee my pants … No one has more fun than me!” Aw, good for you, Adorable Smurf. Good for you!

The Determined Dreamer – Jessica Phillips

Oh, nuts of wonder, Dawgs, I’m such a sap. I was okay through Jessica’s entire story about her boyfriend suffering a stroke, waking up and not recognizing her, and depending on her for rehabilitation and care. Then D’Angelo (her very attractive boyfriend) opened his mouth, and I lost it. “Honestly, I would be nowhere without her,” D’Angelo said. “And that’s the truth.” My heart feels so much! Granted, Jessica’s backstory was far more gripping than her rendition of Faith Evans’ “Again.” She wasn’t bad or anything. It just lacked spark, in my opinion. But then she ran into D’Angelo’s arms, and he kept repeating how much he loved her, and holy crap, I couldn’t pull it together. TWU LOVE, Dawgs! TWU LOVE!

So 45 Golden Tickets went out in Portland. At the end of the episode, I turned to my cat Marshmallow and realized that he had cleaned his massive body for the entire hour. I wonder what his dreams are. Catching mice? Losing a few LBs? Acquiring a food dish that never goes empty? Marshmallow has a lot of feelings. I’m sure he dreams a lot. And how about you, Dawgs? Did your dreams come true during the Portland auditions? Let’s take a moment to remember the lowly production assistant Megan, who was forced to give up her black tights because J. Lo forgot hers. That woman is unstoppable. She can take the clothes right off your body!

Tune in for the St. Louis auditions tonight. It’s the last stop of the audition rounds, and then finally, WE’RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!