me. He loves to watch the kids, all fresh-faced and bright-eyed, hopping off their planes for the first time and staying in real hotels with, like, real beds and stuff. He relishes their optimism, their conviction that they will be the next American Idol (hopefully more successful than Taylor Hicks and Lee What’s-His-Face). And then he delights (on the inside, of course) when the kids meet each other, hear their peers sing, and realize that they sound exactly like everyone else. For the children, Hollywood Week is a nightmare. For Ryan Seacrest, Hollywood Week is better than Christmas.
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| Ryan does his Happy Dance with Crazy Paul McDonald. |
Act as grim as you want while explaining the audition process, little guy. You don’t fool me, Seacrest!
Tomorrow, I’ll have the opportunity to launch this season’s dramatic arc (based on The Princess Bride, of course) because the group round always has prime pickings for casting villains and heroes. Today, unfortunately, I need to focus on how awfultastic 95% of the kids sounded last night. No wonder Ryan looked so smug. He even lied to us, saying that the creepy children of Season 11 were among the “nation’s elite.” I suppose that could mean anything, when you think about it. Perhaps the contestants are “elite” at other things (darts, jazzercise, Zumba, volleyball, etc.), and Idol’s simply trying to expand its reach. Regardless of where the “elite” designation came from, I wasn’t impressed with last night’s talent. Awfultastic may not even describe how unimpressed I was.
It should have been evident that I would hate everyone and everything last night when the show opened with grown people being roused from bed by their mothers. Ew. I don’t want to see anyone’s sleepy face. I don’t want to see my own sleepy face in the morning, damn it. Nuts of wonder, Idol. When did you get so tasteless?
With that in mind, let’s hope in a plane for our first plane ride ever, jump a few times on our totally new hotel beds, and get reacquainted with Hollywood! Warning: No dreams allowed past this point. This … is … American Idol!
“Who put the ‘ape’ in apricot? What have they got that I ain’t got?” – Uncle Steven Pep Talk
Cluster #1 – Johnny Keyser and Heejun Han
These young men couldn’t be any more different. Johnny already looks primed for a cover shoot with Teen Beat magazine, and Heejun’s like the awkward kid at school who can’t figure out how to dress himself. Johnny has the personality of a split pea, and Heejun is my Sound Bite Savior of the season. “I got here, and everyone’s so tall and pretty. Even the guys are so pretty. I don’t know what they eat, but they’re so good-looking,” Heejun said before his audition. Puppies and kittens, Heejun. They eat puppies and kittens to be so handsome. People don’t look that good without some level of witchcraft.
Johnny sang Amos Lee’s “Dreamin’” with an air of confidence that had 99% of the kids in the audience seething with jealousy. Wow, that pretty-eyed boy had some amazing control. I don’t think his style of music will take him anywhere in the music industry today, but things like cultural relevance don’t matter on Idol these days. Heejun sang “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” like he hadn’t been freaking out about all the pretty boys moments before. His crystal clear tone was refreshing compared to the melismatic tendencies of his fellow contestants. They both made it through to the group round, so I guess Heejun still has time for a makeover.
Cluster #2 – Elise Testone, Baylie Brown and Hallie Day
Typing these recaps makes me hyperaware of some useless things, like the way Elise Testone’s last name automatically appears in my head as “testosterone.” Yikes. I think this calls for a stage name. So Elise, a 28-year-old with skin so fried she looks 40 (mean but true), sang something and sounded decent, I guess. I don’t know, Dawgs. Testosterone. Sometimes my brain just freezes on things. Despite the best attempts of those witches from Jersey, Baylie Brown’s still kicking. She didn’t sound as good as she did at her previous audition, though. Hallie Day, the ex-girl group member, ex-drug addict, current sob story pusher, sang “You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman)” like she wanted to actually make me feel like a natural woman. Nuts of wonder, that woman’s intensity freaks me out. Hallie really needs to tone it down a notch. And by “it,” I’m referring to everything. All three made it through to the group round, where I’m sure Baylie will be sabotaged again in a segment full of LAWLs.
“Don’t Stop! Don’t stop!” – Uncle Steven trying to remember the lyrics for his Journey audition
Cluster #3 – Jen Hirsh and Lauren Gray
Did you realize that all the contestants were nervous in Hollywood? I know! They hid it so well! Fortunately, Ryan was there to fill us in on the secret details. Jen was afraid of fidgeting during her audition, so she practiced holding her hands rigidly at her sides. Yes, my dear, better to look like a teen-bot than an actual person. Good call. She sang “Up to the Mountain” for the judges, and naturally, her arms went flailing akimbo. Remember when Crystal Bowersox sang “Up to the Mountain” in Season 9? Well, keep remembering that because Jen’s rendition was vastly inferior. She screeched and moaned and shouted, and for some reason, the judges ate it up like pudding.
Then Lauren, the only Golden Ticket recipient from St. Louis without a sob story, walked up and performed the same song she did before. Whoa, Scotty McCreery! Let’s not get carried away. Baby lock them … Baby lock them … Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down low! If Lauren didn’t sing Adele’s “One and Only” like a cow sounds when it gives birth, I wouldn’t care so much. But that’s how she sounded. The truth hurts (my ears). In a move that surprised nobody, the judges put them through to the next round.
“Just a tiny bit? Just a tiny … Please? It won’t hurt you!” – Deranged brunette contestant seconds before hurting us all
Cluster #4 – BAD AUDITIONS
What can I say? The auditions were bad. I’m sure the judges would be disturbed if they knew I thought these auditions sounded suspiciously similar to the girls in Cluster #3, but we’ll let bygones be bygones.
“I have to go back to nothing. NOTHING!” – Travis Orlando shortly before going back home (to nothing)
Cluster #5 – Phil Phillips, Reed Grimm and Travis Orlando
I call BS on this segment. Travis may have made a bad call by dropping out of high school, but he sounded a thousand times better than Phil and Reed. Bloody hell, I don’t think the show had any intention of keeping him beyond the first round of Hollywood – a cold move considering that they cut him at the exact same time last season. High school! They could have told him to go back to high school! So now Travis has lost his dreams again, and Idol just carelessly ships him back to the homeless shelter from whence he came. To take a phrase from Paula Abdul, Idol’s a “cold-hearted snake” sometimes.
So remember that one time when Phil Phillips sang “Thriller” and played his guitar? Not to channel my inner-Randy Jackson, but I don’t think Phil’s going to out-do that. I’m not sure what he sang last night, but it didn’t sound good. Too much random style for his simple boy-next-door story. First time on a plane, y’all. Idol makes dreams come true and stuff. And then there was Reed Grimm, who I continue to resent even though he’s done nothing to harm or insult me. How do I explain my resentment? Well, first, he sang the song “I’ve Got a Golden Ticket” from Willy Wonka. Second, he sang the awfultastic song like he was in the midst of an electroshock therapy session. Third, he’s a smug little monster who plays to the audience like a cheap second-rate children’s entertainer. And lastly, his name. I don’t like his name. But honestly, I hope that trainwreck stays on Idol for weeks to come because I’ll have field day with his antics. Phil and Reed made it through to the group round, and I’m sure they’ll really enjoy all the food Travis won’t be eating.
“Another day, another dollar; another man to give you a holler.” – Uncle Steven
Cluster #6 – Adam Brock and Jane Carrey
“They’re dropping like flies,” Adam Brock said of his heart-broken peers, “but not me.” Oh, great, a man with an oversized ego. I’ve never seen that on Idol before. When the Idol producers take a liking to a contestant, they’ll tape them crying over anything. Remember the Giant from 2 years ago who exploited the birth of his child that he wasn’t there to attend? Adam Brock picked up where he left off by exploiting the infant that he won’t get to cuddle while he’s in Hollywood. Stop it, Adam! Stop the tomfoolery this instant! I do not care that you, like every other contestant with kids, had to sacrifice spending time with your family to pursue your “dreams” that will ultimately lead you to ruin. This is your choice!
Ahem! Excuse me, Dawgs. My heart got a little rusty there. Just a little WD-40, and I’ll be ready to go …
Adam, who claims to have the soul of a large black woman in him, sang “Walkin’ in Memphis” after sucking up to J. Lo for an extended amount of time that made Randy green with envy. Stop that, Adam. J. Lo doesn’t want to sit next to Shrek. I was expecting better than what I heard. Adam definitely has talent, but his voice sounds just like the Taylor Hicks' and Casey Abrams' of Idol Seasons Past. Only now, the genre has lost its novelty on the show, and Adam just made me want to bop him on his big head for exploiting his family. His audition was followed by Jane Carrey, daughter of Jim Carrey (for realz), who seemed like a really cool person and could actually sing. Just as I was envisioning how awfultastic this season would be with Jim Carrey mugging for the camera from the audience of the Idol-dome, the judges gave Jane the axe and put Adam through to the group round. Huh. So I guess nepotism is dead. Who knew?
“Listen. None of you should ever have to be on that stage and beg.” – Randy in a moment of clarity
Cluster #7 – David Leathers, Shannon Magrane and Jessica Phillips
David Leathers and his little vests and ties are a force to reckon with, I think. Not only is he still hitting on the ladies at a rapid rate, but the boy can definitely sing. His rendition of Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me” didn’t waste any time with the verses and just went right for the bridge with the super high note. And he nailed it! Fortunately, Shannon Magrane’s daddy hasn’t filed a restraining order against Uncle Steven on her behalf, so she could attend the Hollywood auditions. Unfortunately, her performance of “Fallin’” was sleepy and uninspired. It felt like she was trying to be something other than she is. Contestants who lack a clear sense of who they are tend to struggle on Idol. Jessica Phillips brought her boyfriend to Hollywood so they could continue to emotionally manipulate me. D’Angelo was so nervous, wasn’t he? “She’s good,” he said. “I’m like a bag of nerves.” A bag of nerves, huh? Must be serious. Jessica’s “All the Man I Need” was good until she injected all the unnecessary melisma at the end. I still feel like D’Angelo’s the real star of this relationship. David, Shannon and Jessica received yeses from the judges, and they’ll live to suffer an eternity of damnation in the group round.
Cluster #8 – Erika Van Pelt, Creighton Fraker and Aaron Marcellus
Erika, everyone’s favorite mobile DJ, sang a Pink song for her audition. Did you ever notice how quaint Idol thinks a job is? I can just imagine the producers in a conference room, toiling over all the contestant applications. One of them comes to a page, slams down his martini glass, and stands up with wide eyes. “You guys. You GUYS! This one has a job. Like a real person or something. OMG, call up Ryan Seacrest. We have to exploit the crap out of this one. A job. Can you believe it? Do you think she makes real money?” Erika’s lovely alto is still one of my favorite voices in the competition.
Remember Creighton Fraker, that creature from NYC who made a lady blow bubbles on him while he sang in a park? Dressed in a confused lady vest and suspenders, he sang “Somebody to Love” in a competent but whiny voice. And then Aaron Marcellus (Shale?) claimed to be a music teacher and sang two lines of a song that consisted of melisma and nothing else. Somehow, the judges were all like, “That’s enough. That’s enough! Your complete lack of melody is the greatest thing ever!” Whatevs. All three made it to the next round.
“Medic, please!” – Nigel Lithgoe
Cluster #9 – Lauren Mink, Jeremy Rosado and Symone Black
Poor Lauren. The charming director of a program for adults with disabilities (longest job title EVER) was on my good side after her first audition in Savannah. Alas, no one stays on my good side for long on this show. Her performance of Heart’s “Alone” was cringe-worthy. She even changed keys, which J. Lo noticed right away. As J. Lo and Randy conferred about how much she sucked, it was obvious that Lauren could see her dreams going down the proverbial toilet. When she finally stopped singing, her face was bright red, and she looked close to tears. Then some dude named Jeremy talked about being a germaphobe who works in an infectious disease clinic. He sounded awfultastic, and that’s all I remember.
Finally, we had the privilege of watching the one moment that Idol teased to high heaven. It started off normally enough. Symone Black has a stage dad who pushes her to be the best she can be. She sang “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay” for the judges, and while I was slightly disturbed by her speech impediment (don’t sing the word “sitting” if your S’s sound like SH’s), Allen thought she was good. Randy asked Symone why she chose that song, and we almost got into a funny exchange where she admitted to picking it to appeal to older people (ie – the apparently decrepit judges). Then disaster struck! You could tell the moment Symone started to feel faint because she wobbled like a weeble while the judges looked on in blatant ignorance. Nuts of wonder, her tumble from the stage was bad. She just went face down to the floor, narrowly missing a cameraman. Fortunately, Nigel was close at hand, and he immediately called for a “medic” because that’s what British people say. Poor Symone’s dad. Poor Symone. I’m going to take a wild guess that she survived the fall, so I don’t know why they cut off the show like Symone’s very survival was a cliffhanger (or stagehanger, as it were). Also, we still don’t know what members of Cluster #9 made it to the group round.
I hope we get some answers during the group round. Is Symone okay? Will the talent get any better? Will Ryan ever let his true glee in the face of the suffering of others show? Why does Uncle Steven say such strange things? Tune in tonight to find out!
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