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| Aspen: Like so many locations in Idol's Parade of Horrors, the lovely place where dreams come to die. |
Aspen, Colorado: Destination for the rich and famous and proud home of very little talent. In Aspen, strange things happen. One moment, you’re admiring the autumn leaves on the majestic Rocky Mountains, and the next, you’re watching a bear huddled in the snow. Things like seasons and consistent climates mean nothing in Aspen. In this magical land, Ryan Seacrest can stand in the sunshine on dry ground and pack a snowball seconds later. It’s a fantastical place of beautiful scenery and crazy people. Really crazy. What else would you expect from this Rocky Mountain paradise?
Overall, Aspen scores high points for being drop dead beautiful and low points for anything involving music. Sure, they handed out a few Golden Tickets, but was it really worth it in the long run? Learning that Rocky Mountain Oysters are actually bull testes only gets us so far. You know?
So the people in Aspen were about 95% cray-cray, and 5% boring. When Uncle Steven looks like the most stable person in the room, you know we’ve entered some fairy tale-level realms of the absurd. Honestly, I wouldn’t have been surprised if the Seven Dwarves marched out of the mountains and performed a scat routine for the judges. It was just that kind of night. No disrespect to the people of Aspen, by the way. You can’t help it if Idol chose to forgo the upstanding citizens for the train full of people with Ringling Bros. That’s how Idol rolls, y’all. I mean, Rocky Mountain Oysters.
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| Who knew, right? |
The Good Auditions (I use the term “good” loosely. Take that as you will.)
Jenni Schick kicked off the episode by screaming bloody murder and bouncing around the holding room like the world’s most annoying pinball machine ball. This kindergarten music teacher (Oh sweet lord, the children!) hates the sound of recorders and thinks that Uncle Steven is the cat’s meow. Delusional women with crushes on Uncle Steven are not interesting anymore, Idol! You have one or two per show, if you haven’t noticed. You know what would be surprising and interesting? A woman with the hots for Randy Jackson. Then I’d be like, “Okay, this is unusual and unexpected. I’ll watch this and be entertained.” Anyway. Jenni spewed all kinds of nonsense at Ryan, telling him that she and her boyfriend had a list of people they were allowed to kiss and that Uncle Steven, Lady Gaga, and Adam Levine were on hers. And Ryan just looked disgusted by that because he likely knows that deep down, none of those people are worth kissing. Then Jenni all but threatened to kiss Ryan, and his face turned the palest shade of white ever, and I’m pretty sure he peed his pants a little. I think Jenni does that to people on a regular basis. For her audition, she sang “Heartbreaker” in an over-affected girl rocker voice. She was in tune, but her voice had a cringe-worthy nasal quality to it. Since I couldn’t stand her, I knew the judges would love it. They put her through to Hollywood, and then Randy, trying to be all funny and clever, shouted, “And … you may kiss the judge!” So Jenni kissed Uncle Steven, and it was open-mouthed and gross. I’m pretty sure herpes was transmitted to someone in that moment; I’m just not sure to whom.
Curtis Gray documented the morning of his audition by video camera, which was probably a bad idea because he looked totally … under the influence of herbal supplements. I don’t know this for a fact, Dawgs, so let’s not start any rumors. But really. Red flags. Just say no, kids. Just say no. “I slept wicked good last night,” he mumbled at the camera. “Unbelievable how good I slept.” Well. As long as he got a good night’s sleep. After devoting his long life (20 years, tops) to music, Curtis was ready to put his extensive voice lessons to good use. And he did, for the most part. He barreled through the audition like it wasn’t his first rodeo and showed off a nice tone and good control. It was kind of boring, though, which surprised me because I expected a guy who says things like “wicked good” with pupils the size of pinholes would have more to offer. But Randy was all like, “Yo, yo, yo, yo! Listen, listen!” and sent him to Hollywood. Then Curtis’s pants fell partway down while he celebrated, and I’m pretty confident we won’t be seeing him again.
Richie Law sounded way too much like Scotty McCreery for my mind to separate the two. It’s too soon, Cowboy. Way too soon. Fortunately, a guy named Devon Jones sang right after Richie, and his falsetto was more magical than unicorns and leprechauns combined. Then Some Guy sang the living hell out of “Hey, Jude,” squeaked on the epic “better, better, better – WHOA!” part, and people were suddenly going to Hollywood at a rapid rate. I love montages.
Haley Smith burst onto the scene with her earthy hair and charmingly gapped teeth and insanely creepy voice. She lives in a cabin in the middle of the wood and loves nature so damn much it makes her laugh maniacally for 30 seconds straight, which – um – might pose a problem when she goes to Hollywood. L.A. is like the antithesis of nature. “The landscape is to-die-for, if you’re to die for anything,” Haley said while not quite looking into the camera. I’m sure she’s totally balanced. When she walked into the audition room, the judges started squealing like pigs about how Haley’s a “flower child” and everything cool about the 60s and 70s. Haley’s glassy eyes liked that statement, and she hit them with some “Tell Me Something Good.” She had an amazing voice, pure but raw around the edges, and Uncle Steven melted like butter in her hand. He blathered some courting lines about being “honored” to be in her presence, and although Haley and her sweet ponytailed boyfriend don’t know it, she’s about to become the Haley Reinhart of Season 11. She left the room in a cloud of patchouli and peace signs, and Randy said, “A real flower child … at 19. That’s impressive. Uniqueness.” If Randy had to put a complete sentence together, an angel would lose its wings.
Shelby Tweten got the sad, too-personal-for-TV backstory of the night. At first glance, she looked like a normal teenage girl, this little blonde thing with curly hair and a bright smile. But then the judges, with the subtlety of a jackhammer in a funeral home, asked her about her path because their notes told them that Shelby had something to share. So she did, and … Look, I’m not going to poke fun at her bipolar disorder because it’s a truly devastating thing that hits a lot of lives. I can, however, yell at Idol in ALL CAPS to QUIT EXPLOITING THE MENTAL STABILITY OF TEENAGERS AND PEOPLE IN GENERAL, YOU SCUMBAGS! That is all. Shelby sang a country song, and her voice carried a lovely tone. It was so pleasant that I almost forgot the part of her home segment when she said, “American Idol gave me a reason to stay on my meds.” What exactly are Idol’s editors and producers? Gremlins?
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| Your average Idol producer. |
Jairon Jackson was anxious to become a superstar. He wrote his own song for the audition, and sang it even though people close to him told him to sing something else. Wow. Way to make Jairon feel loved, jerks. The song was called “So Hard,” and it wasn’t bad at all. He sounded like every other person I hear on the radio, so the guy definitely has commercial potential. J. Lo gave Uncle Steven a break from propositioning the contestants by telling Jairon, “You’re a lover.” The thing that stuck out to me most about this audition was the way Jairon left Ryan hanging during his celebration. No one leaves Ryan Seacrest hanging in a corner!
Angie Zeiderman claimed that it was time for a “vintage glitter queen” to be on Idol. She credited her frequent comparisons to Lady Gaga to her love for putting on a show. I think it has more to do with the fact that she looks like Lady Gaga without any of the creativity. It probably isn’t a good thing. Loaded with more confidence than Randy at a name-dropping conference, Angie started her audition with a semi-raunchy cabaret performance of a showtune. It was … eye-opening, to say the least. Lots of thrusting and writhing and suggestive looks. I could have done without, is all. Randy’s head nearly boiled over because he hates showtunes. So Angie switched to “Blue Bayou,” and her voice was still the same, only shriller. They put her through, and after she left the room, Randy went on and on about how much he hates vibrato. Oh, okay, then. So Randy hates it when singers use proper technique. Good to know.
The Bad Auditions
Tealana Hedgespeth has a serious inferiority complex when it comes to her twin sister. Well, I would, too, if my twin sister wasn’t insane and actually dressed like a human being instead of an alien in a bright yellow romper. Tealana wanted to prove herself so badly that she warbled though Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to the Water” like her pitch was Nemo and it couldn’t find its way home. Randy sent her away with the words, “You’re funny, man. I like you.” Alanna Snare taught me what Rocky Mountain Oysters are and only gained my sympathy when the show ruthlessly cut the sounds of cows mooing into her dreadful rendition of “Jolene.”
And then there was Magic Cyclops, a man from Iowa who speaks like Ricky Gervais on a bender. Magic Cyclops is kind of … beyond words. He was obviously there just to get on TV for being weird, so I'll give him his 15 seconds of fame. Le sigh. The ways I must lower myself to fill a recap ... Just let his quotes and actions speak for themselves:
“I have 11,000 air guitars, and there’s a guy in Dublin who has, like, five more than me.”
“There’s a storm brewin’, and it’s the Magic Cyclops a-coming for them.”
Said the judges had a choice between a song by Neil Diamond or Jimmy Buffett, only pronounced buffet. Like, a buffet of food.
In response to Randy’s “I’ve gotta go to the bathroom” bit, Magic Cyclops said, “I’ve gotta go to the bathroom, too.” Then he bent over and blew confetti out of the back of his pants.
Wore a poncho to the auditions.
“Will you play the theme song to The Incredible Hulk while I walk away?”
As Magic Cyclops disappeared back into the Rocky Mountains, the Aspen auditions came to a blessed close. So that was an experience, I guess.
Tonight, tune in to watch the Houston, Texas auditions. Howdy, partners! It’s Cowboy Time!
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