Pittsburgh Auditions: "Your face is just so small."

According to Ryan Seacrest, Pittsburgh is the “city of champions.” Not this year, sweetheart, but I doubt you pay a lot of attention to sports, so I’ll let that one slide. You know my favorite things about Pittsburgh? The way navigating the city is way more difficult than it should be. Oh! And the way that no matter what the city’s on the news for, some dude is waving a Terrible Towel in the background. The city almost literally bleeds black and gold. It’s so quaint in a Western Pennsylvania way, and it made me long for my college days when I thought all of this was normal.

There was a lot of talent in Pittsburgh, wasn’t there? I always knew Pennsylvania was a thriving oasis of talent. Other states should pay more attention to us. The judges wondered if there was something in the water of Pittsburgh that makes people so awesome. Ew. Look out the window of your conference center at the Monongahela / Allegheny / Ohio Rivers. Let’s not draw attention to the water. Lots of Golden Tickets were handed out, though. It was just kind of glossed over that many of the recipients of the Golden Tickets were from New York City, Ohio, Wisconsin, and West Virginia. Well. At least Pennsylvania made a nice backdrop for Idol’s money machine.



Steel City



This … is … American Idol!

People Who Did Better than the Steelers in the Play-offs – Oh, shush! It’s true! *snicker*

Heejun Han – This Korean immigrant was quite the character, wasn’t he? Idol was really playing this guy up to be a joke with all the shots of his bored face and sound-bites of him angsting over whether he was talented enough. He shared a kindred moment with Ryan, in which he told our unflappable host, “Your face is just so small … You’re very good looking.” Geez, Heejun, for ten years I’ve been brainstorming to come up with the perfect thing to say should I meet Idol’s magical leprechaun, and you sweep it right out for under me. When Heejun went into the audition room, Ryan interviewed the kid’s massive fan club and asked if he was any good at singing. The one girl was like, “Yeah, uh – we’ve never heard him sing before.” Oh, nuts of wonder. I thought we were in for a good one. Then Heejun tore away everything I thought was true in life by singing the pants off of Michael Bolton’s “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You.” His tone was beautiful. The judges just gaped at the guy because what else were they supposed to do? They were trying to fit this mythical creature named Heejun Han into a box, and he sprinkled some fairy dust, wrinkled his nose, blinked, and exploded awesomeness all over the room. And then he up and stole my parting words, too: “Randy, you look better in person. I’m sorry.”

Eben Franckoewitz – Lest we forget that a childling call Justin Bieber exists in this world, Idol decided to Bieber the heck out of 15-year-old Eben. (Who else wishes that Eben is short for Ebenezer? Please, let it be so!) Just in case we didn’t know that Eben was a wide-eyed small town boy with a dream, his mom summed it up for us the way only a mama can: “You’re only 15-years-old, and look what you’re doing. It’s great.” The judges told Eben that he looks a bit like Justin Bieber (he doesn’t) and oohed and ahhed while Eben sang “Ain’t No Sunshine” (bad choice). What’s up with these kids choosing songs that are eons too old for them? Who can Eben possibly be referring to in that song? His mom? If so, ew. He had a nice boy voice, though, all sweet and lyrical and pure. They’ll chew him up and spit in out in Hollywood similar to the way they destroyed Jacee last season. But it’s his dream! So I guess that makes it okay.

To hell with it ...

Reed Grimm – Oh, I love the contestants who come from the creepy families that moonlight as singing groups! Reed has been onstage since the age of 2 with his family, at which time, I’m assuming he climbed the equipment and shouted out one-word phrases at inopportune moments for the audience. Two? Really? Because the world has been a sadder place since this song was in the mainstream, Reed did a one-man interpretation of the accompaniment and lyrics of the theme song from “Family Matters.” He had a moderately crazy Joe Cocker thing going on while he performed. There was some scatting, a few random sounds, lots of jerking and flailing. Very artsy stuff, you know? When I stopped twitching from the visual assault of watching Reed perform, I enjoyed his voice. He reminds me a little of Jason Mraz, only crazy. Since this is Idol, he’ll be right at home.



Paul. Paul, the dancing man. If he can't do it, no one can!



Samantha Novacek – And now my first dramatic note of the season …

Dear Samantha,

The next time you try out for anything (and you will be going to other auditions because Hollywood won’t be a happy time for you), do not bring your attention-whore sister to do strange things while you sing. Patty the Pittsburgh Planker isn’t even famous. Planking isn’t even cool. None of that works to anyone’s advantage, except for Patty's. I think that you sang well, but I really couldn’t concentrate because Patty the Pittsburgh Planker was totally audition-blocking you. I just thought you should know.

Best Wishes,

Rachel

Creighton Fraker – The names this season are killing me. How do they expect me to type this gibberish? So Creighton’s a starving artist in New York City who probably wears scarves in the summer. At least once in his life, Creighton has had a woman blow bubbles on him while he performed. Yeah, I’m sure I’ll like this guy a lot. He presented the judges with an original song that he supposedly spent the entire 8-hour bus trip writing. What? Did he just decide to drive to Pittsburgh on a whim? So he had no idea he’d be traveling across two states to audition for a televised singing competition? *Sigh* Okay, then. The song was stupid, but beneath all of the mess that was Creighton (I wrote in my notes, “Oh, what a douche.”) was a good voice. He gave off some Justin Timberlake vibes, and that was cool. He wouldn’t stop singing, though, and I momentarily missed Simon because I know the cranky Brit would have rolled his eyes the whole way out of his head. Steven told Creighton, “You’re a beautiful man.” Well. I have no response for that.

Travis Orlando – This is one of the guys who auditioned last season with a hard life story. Since then, life for Travis has only gotten worse. The 17-year-old lives in a homeless shelter with his dad and brother because his mom walked out on them. That’s sad. No, really, it’s sad. I’m not sure why this is relevant to a singing competition, but I can feel his pain. He performed “Isn’t She Lovely,” and his voice sounded good. Not spectacular or anything, but the kid can definitely carry a tune. When the judges started to hedge on sending him through to Hollywood, I could just see the lava of emotion getting ready to spill out of the top of Travis’s head and spew all over the audition room. He dropped this bomb right off that bat: “I dropped out of high school. It’s an all-or-nothing thing.” NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Why is this being glorified on Idol? Pay for him to go to school, you cretins! Idol can’t fix Travis’s crappy family life, and it most certainly can’t pick him up off his face when his music career ends up dead in the water. Nuts of wonder. So Travis cried and begged and covered the room with a thick layer of pathetic, and J. Lo got all teary-eyed and said, “Scared is good. Scared makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do.” Holy crap, J. Lo! Do you think you’re Yoda or something? School! Tell him to go back to school! Alas, they didn’t. Travis is going to Hollywood.

Erika Van Pelt – This mobile DJ / wedding singer had my favorite voice of the night. I loved her rich, alto take on “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow,” and so did Steven. He gazed at her adoringly and kept trying to sing along. A real adult singing real songs. How refreshing!

Hallie Day – While Travis Orlando spattered our TV screens with tragedy, Hallie cracked them with intensity. Did you see her eyes? That was some Terminator-level determination going on in her head. Hallie have goal and not stop until Hallie reach goal. So let’s talk about her tortured past. Oh, you know you want to. Hallie dropped out of high school at the age of 15 – a new trend, it seems – to move to New York City and sing for a girls’ group called Plum Crazy. Well, that didn’t really pan out for Hallie, and in the tradition of many wounded child performers, she turned to drugs. She moved back home, where she was so depressed over not being famous yet that she attempted to overdose on a bottle of pills. This isn’t … *deep breath* … this isn’t a story about dreams, Idol. This is the story of a girl who likely struggles with depression and lacks coping skills. I feel like I’d be better off not knowing about her past. The tackiest part of this segment was the edited shot of Hallie collapsing into a chair at the auditions while her voiceover told us about her suicide attempt. I don’t know why this bothers me every year. I’ve come to expect it, but then Idol stands up and slaps me in the face with all this cheese, and I lose control. Moving on. Hallie sang “I Will Survive” so we would feel her intensity and understand that she’s a survivor and there ain’t nobody stopping her now. All kinds of shouting and glaring and growling. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being slightly intimidated. Honestly, I’m still a little nervous that I'll burst into flames for complaining about her sob story before. Good thing: Hallie has a really good voice. Bad thing: She yelled at me. She yelled at us all. The volume doesn’t always have to be turned up to eleven, dear. But Steven said, “I like watching her when she sings,” so I guess none of that matters.

The Lone Loser – Don’t make that face. There was only one reject. Poor kid.

Shane Bruce – Like his grandfather and uncles and father before him, Shane works in the West Virginia coal mines. Ah, here’s a kid who knows what it’s like to work for a living. No dropping out of school or quitting his job here. But despite the financial security of his super dangerous job (really, really dangerous), Shane has a dream. Oh, crap. Don’t they all? Did you notice how awkward Shane’s co-workers looked when he sang in the coal mine? It’s like Idol wants us to believe that coal mine workers sing while they work like Disney characters. Shane told the judges that he was singing, “You know that movie Shrek? The song where the guy’s, like, ‘Hallelujah’?” I’m ashamed at how long I snickered over the fact that he identifies that song with Shrek and not with Leonard Cohen, Jeff Buckley, or hell, the eighty other Idol contestants who have performed it in past seasons. I really shouldn’t judge. When Justin Bieber was getting popular, I was all like, “Who’s that girl singing on the radio?” and didn’t figure out it was a boy for several months. So, really, I’m not any more up with the hip stuff than young Shane Bruce there. My heart kind of sank when Shane started singing. He could carry a tune, but his tone was very labored, he lacked proper inflection, and his transitions were slow and awkward. The judges were upset, too. They told Shane he needed more time, and the kid looked like his dream was a brand new puppy that the judges had just launched out the window into one of Pittsburgh’s rivers. Uncle Steven tried to make it better by talking about the mines and how, “Maybe you singing to them down there – maybe that’s your forte.” Ouch.

And that was Pittsburgh. Do you think the contestants did the city justice? Will the judges ever stop caving when they see tears? When will Uncle Steven learn to say the right thing? And who else wanted to tear the comedy sound machine out of his hands and throw it in the river with Shane Bruce’s metaphorical puppy? Uncle Steven: the oldest toddler you know. Remember that the San Diego episode is airing on Sunday after the play-off game. And remember to remind me because I’m not sure I can remember that. Geez, Idol. What are you thinking about, messing with my weekend?