Jeremy Rosado Goes Home: "Get to the couches!"

My Dramatic Farewell Letter to Jeremy “Jer-Bear” Rosado

Dearest Jeremy,

At the end of all this, never forget that you were the heart of this season. Unfortunately, where there should be a heart in Idol’s gaping chest cavity is instead a bloody, snake-covered dollar sign. Goodness rarely prevails in this Brave Idol World, Jer-Bear. You gave it your best, though. Every one of your challenges was met with a huge smile and the best hug on either side of the Mississippi. Even when that lecherous Jimmy Iovine came up with a multitude of “polite” ways to call you fat and ugly (because that’s what “doesn’t look the part” means, hon), you didn’t let his negativity influence your attitude (like SOME contestants). Perhaps nerves got the better of you this week, but you STAYED CLASSY. And the only thing I love more than watching Ryan Seacrest giggle is a gentleman. You ARE a gentleman, sir. So don’t let life get you down. Sure, you’ll be going back to your soul-draining job at an infectious disease clinic, spreading the Black Idol Plague to another group of unsuspecting masses. Sure, by this time next year, I’ll have to struggle to remember your adorable face. But take comfort in this: For the briefest of moments, you brought joy and hugs to America. Keep kicking, kid!

Best Wishes,

Rachel

And then Jer-Bear took to the clouds like the old man from Up!

Que sera sera, Dawgs. Whatever will be, will be. Such is the nature of this terrifying social experiment called American Idol. At least one dream must crash and burn every week as a sacrifice to the Idol gods, who feast on misery like zombies feast on flesh. Although Idol may put these kids on the fast-track to “fame” (flexibly speaking, of course), it comes at a hefty price, for those who rise quickly to national attention must also fall for our entertainment. The Idols are our modern-day gladiators.



The acts they have been forced to do are unspeakable. UNSPEAKABLE.



Was I happy to see Jeremy go? No. Who gets pleasure out of watching a kitten get hit by a car? But it was probably the right choice. Probably definitely. Yeah. It was the right choice. It ended up evening out the field of guys and girls, like I predicted. I definitely thought Shannon Magrane needed the boot, but America disagreed. So sayeth the masses.

I haven’t mentioned this yet, but I really like this group of finalists. They’re the closest matched group that I can remember since Season 5. But there were some really stanky attitudes up in the Idoldome last night. Let’s talk about them …

1.       Elise Testone: It started on Wednesday night when she got bad feedback for her awfultastic performance. I noted yesterday that Jimmy Iovine threw her under the bus, but Elise did nothing to save herself. She just glared and scowled and skulked about the stage. Death rays may as well have shot out of her eyes when she found out she was the lowest vote-getter last night. Darling, you’re at enough of a disadvantage with you unfortunate sense of style and sun-baked skin. You can’t afford a bad ‘tude. Lighten up.

2.       Shannon Magrane: “I cracked on only one note,” she complained. Oh, really? So that completely discounts the piss-poor way you sang for the rest of the song? Take the criticism and learn from it, Shannon. Yours was BY FAR the most awfultastic performance this week. Consider yourself lucky that you’re still in this thing.

3.       Jermaine Jones: He was all like, “The judges and Jimmy gave me some valuable advice, BUT I DID NOTHING WRONG BECAUSE I’M A FREAKING GIANT!” Then there was the horrible moment when Ryan sent him to the Couches of Safety, dooming poor Jer-Bear to an early fate, and Jermaine hooted, hollered and carried on even while he was off-camera. Excitement is okay, but that huge guy seems a little selfish. I know that being a million pounds means that he takes up more space than everyone else, but he doesn’t have to act like he’s the only guy on the show with feelings. You’re on notice, Mr. Jones.  

Guest Performances

I see that Lauren Freakin’ Alaina’s performance skills haven’t gotten any more captivating in the last year. She did make me appreciate Skylar even more, though. Poor Lauren looked like they threw her in a Generic Country Star processor with a mix of spray tan and cheap clothes and spat her back out to wreak havoc on our world. Poor Lauren Freakin’ Alaina. It’s like I never GOT her, you know?

Mary J. Blige got her free “Promote your new CD!” moment out of her mentoring gig last night. She did well considering that her ear monitor seemed to be protruding painfully from her skull. No one rocks a power suit like MJB, Dawgs.

In Other News

Ryan was loving his job last night. No one enjoys a results show like Ryan Seacrest. Nothing makes him happier than faking out contestants and then celebrating with them when he gives them the good news. His tiny leprechaun eyes just come to life when he does that. Also: Was Ryan trying to add height with his hair last night? That bouffant was TALL, Dawgs.

The Ford Music Videos are back and as awfultastic as ever. Turning the entire cast into a herd of human godzillas was not clever, Idol. Now I expect you to apologize and send me a million dollars for making me watch Colton Dixon crawl out of a tunnel.

THE GROUP PERFORMANCE! It wasn’t … that bad? Someone is loving the new stage because the choreography was surprisingly complex for Idol’s rhythmically challenged contestants. I haven’t picked out the worst dancer yet, but you know I will. (My money’s on Phil. I think it’ll be Phil.)

And that’s how the cookie crumbled, Dawgs. Do you agree with the results? Next week will be just like this week, only with 100% less hugs. RIP, Jer-Bear!