Dance party in the Idoldome! The kids bopped along, trying to pull off “enthusiastic” and “not stupid” at the same time, as our unflappable host Ryan Seacrest stood at the center of all that business. He did not dance. We’ve seen Ryan dance before, and it isn’t a pretty sight.
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| Every time Ryan Seacrest moves his feet in a rhythmic beat, a ballerina loses a toe. |
And then we saw the judges standing shockingly close to the contestants. Instead of keeping the requisite living room’s length of distance between J. Lo’s beautiful face and the unclean peons they torture every week, Ryan brought them all together. He asked Randy if he was ready and excited for the night, and Randy was like, “Yo, yo, man. This is happening, dude!” And of course everyone’s eyes and ears glazed over because Randy obviously had his “Relevant” switch turned to “Off” at that moment. Then Ryan turned to the old badger with tangled hair and said, “Stevie, are we set?” Replying with his trademark trend of answering questions with answers that don’t quite fit, Uncle Steven crowed, “Loud and proud!”
But what was with the celebration? LAST NIGHT WAS IDOL’S 400TH SHOW! Can you believe that we’ve lasted through the shenanigans of 400 freaking shows? I believe America needs a commendation for that. YOU’RE WELCOME, Simon Fuller, Nigel Lythgoe, Ryan’s hair stylist, and the fairy tale animals that J. Lo presumably pays with her mountains of money to dress her every day. You couldn’t have done it without us!
The theme of the night was explained away by Ryan as being a Boys vs. Girls showdown. Stevie Wonder for the gents (because it’s not like we’ve heard tons of contestants attempt and fail at his songs), and Whitney Houston for the ladies (because she’s, uh, no longer with us). America’s vote will determine the bottom girl and bottom guy, and then the judges will decide which one goes home. Okay, so that’s perfectly reasona … Wait a minute! What if the person they send home isn’t the actual lowest vote-getter? That hardly seems fair. Are they trying to save the ladies from their imminent doom in the competition? Maybe? Maybe. But if they end up sending a girl home tonight, I’m not sure what kind of game Idol’s playing with this decision. Can they at least give us the illusion of a democracy? To make matters worse, America had some tough decisions to make last night. The show wasn’t particularly memorable, but a majority of the contestants delivered solid performances that will make weeding out the worst a living nightmare. Nuts of wonder, let’s get to it. This … is … American Idol!
Your Top 13!!!!
I will judge the children on a scale of “Yos.”
Warning: I don’t know why, but Jimmy Iovine and his stupid baseball hats with formal wear put me on edge (and NOT the edge of glory). He was lucky to have the sublime Ms. Mary J. Blige by his side last night. She’s always been a concise and helpful mentor to the kids, and her influence really came through last night. So thumbs up to you, Mary J. Blige!
Joshua Ledet – “I Wish”
I didn’t expect Joshua to be so uncomfortable with the music of Stevie Wonder. He already has the inherent soul and punch needed to deliver a convincing version of Mr. Wonder’s songs. But no. Joshua was terrified, and finally, MJB had to be like, “Let’s get some gospel up in here so Ledet doesn’t pass out from nerves!” Once they infused some gospel into the accompaniment, Joshua lit up like a Christmas tree. If performing in the First Spot of Death comes back to bite Joshua, I’ll be mighty pissed. He gave a first-class performance and utterly OWNED that stage. His soul, his tone, his pitch, his EVERYTHING hit the nail on the head. Randy couldn’t believe that this Joshua, this man that he helped pick for the show, could do an up tempo song. OMG, Jackson, it’s like you just invented the light bulb! The boy can do ballads AND up tempo songs? Call the angry mob! He must be a witch! “You just WORE IT OUT at the top of the show!” Randy hollered. J. Lo was apparently so affected by the performance that all she could squeak out was a comment about Joshua’s hand gesture thing he does while he sings. But she tried to mimic it, and with the desk in the way and everything, it looked kind of … dirty. These judges do the darndest things! Then Ryan, never one to be outdone, also tried to mimic Joshua’s hand gesture thing. After failing to look even a little convincing at gospel tics, Ryan simply giggled and said, “You can practically pet my head at that level.”
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Elise Testone – “I’m Your Baby Tonight”
I CALL SABOTAGE! Elise went into her mentoring session with Jimmy and MJB intending to sing “The Greatest Love of All,” which yes I know, freaking HUGE song, but let us not forget that Elise tackled an ADELE song last week and didn’t fall flat on her face. “Nuh uh,” said Jimmy, the evil little gnomes peaking out of the brim of his baseball hat for the briefest moment, “I think you should sing a song you don’t know at all and clearly have no desire to sing. This is all a part of my Master Plan.” Elise, bless her, managed to stay sweet even as her eyes recognized that Iovine was trying to derail her. Oh, nuts of wonder, I can’t stand it when we actually witness the dreams slowly fading out of a contestant’s eyes. Even my heart isn’t that rusty. The performance went pretty much the way you’d expect. Elise kind of chased after the song the whole time, and her voice sounded lovely as usual. The problem was that nothing fit – the song, the way she sang it, her tube dress. Only J. Lo hinted that she recognized the pit of snakes Elise had been thrown into by that troll named Jimmy. Uncle Steven looked sad, and if he were a fighting man, I bet he totally would have taken Iovine out into an alley somewhere and screamed an Aerosmith song at him until the record producer went deaf. Randy, of course, lost his humanity sometime during Season 2 and told Elise that he felt like she was “boxing” with the song. He accused her of not enjoying the song enough, and you know what, Randy? BEEP-BLOOP! I don’t have to listen to you!
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo!
Jermaine Jones – “Knocks Me off My Feet”
You know who loves Jermaine more than baseball caps AND sunglasses? Jimmy Iovine! The man went on and on about how happy he was that the judges brought Jermaine back. Sounds like someone has a crush. Anyways. Jermaine gave a solid performance of the Stevie Wonder tune, his rich tone melting like butter over the melody. The sound of Jermaine’s voice puts me in a very content, VERY sleepy place. And that could be a problem. While I appreciated his technical skill, I couldn’t help but get a little bored. The performance didn’t really go anywhere, and on this show, the best storytellers make the best contestants. J. Lo, who is slowly proving herself to be the best freaking judge this show has ever had (yeah, I went there – bold statements are SO in right now), commented that Jermaine may have been thinking too hard. She encouraged him to connect with the audience more. Bingo, Ms. Lopez. B-I-N-G-O. Randy jumped on the criticism train, too, and tried to make some comment about thinking Jermaine changed the melody of the chorus too much. I don’t even know where Randall Jackson gets his ideas. Maybe from that ghastly pin on his suit? (More on the MYSTERY PIN later!) Also, when Ryan stands next to Jermaine, he looks like an infant dressed as a grown-up. I wonder if Jermaine ever gives him free piggy-back rides?
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Erika Van Pelt – “I Believe in You and Me”
Can anyone resist the appeal of Erika’s voice? It’s like a universal law that people fall in love with Erika Van Pelt. MJB sure did, calling the contestant’s voice “meat and potatoes.” Mmmm, heavy and starchy. That’s a perfect way to describe a person’s voice. Jimmy encouraged Erika to do her own thing with the song because singing it the Whitney Houston way would likely cause a chasm to open up on the stage and drop Erika into the pits of Hell. And really, there was never a doubt that Erika would more than deliver on her performance. Her voice is so intrinsically powerful that she doesn’t have to push it to its limits. On a show of basically 90% infants, Erika sounds like a real adult. I NEED her on this show. The colony of “goosie” eggs on J. Lo’s arms hatched during the performance, even though she made a point of telling Erika that she needs to push it more. DOES she need to push it more? I think she’s doing well just as she is.
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Colton Dixon – “Lately”
So Idol’s going to play skunk-haired Colton up as some type of 21st century heartthrob. That’s so … revealing. During his mentoring session, Colton seemed uncomfortable with singing Stevie Wonder, so Jimmy urged him to sing and play one of his original songs. Okay, I get it. Colton’s whiny voice sounds a thousand times better when set to his whiny music. That was meant to be a compliment. I just can’t type a compliment for Colton without my eyes rolling to the back of my head. The beginning of the song was NOT GOOD. Colton has major problems holding the pitch when he sings quietly, and any good singer knows that the quiet parts are just as important as the loud ones. Once he broke into the chorus, though, that skunk clawed back up the cliff like a little pro. There’s a very nasally quality to his voice, which fits him stylistically but offends me musically, so singing louder forces him to open his mouth more and sing from his diaphragm. When he hits that part, I actually don’t mind his voice. Colton injected a great deal of emotion into the song, and I can almost understand why the teenagers are squealing over him. To Randy’s credit, the Dawg called Colton out on his struggling during the quiet parts. That was the #1 Best Dawg thing he did last night.
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo! Yo!
Shannon Magrane – “I Have Nothing”
NOOOOO! Don’t. Sing. This. Song. Resist the temptation, girls! I understand that Shannon likes to do BIG things because she’s, like, a thousand feet tall, but this one thing shouldn’t be done. MJB tried so hard to help Shannon. She immediately recognized that Shannon was like a baby bird trying to fly too early and taught her some helpful projection techniques. Unfortunately, once Shannon hit the Idol stage, all of that technique diminished in the face of nerves. Dressed in a pair of disconcertingly sequined black pants, Shannon did things to that song that probably have the dearly departed Ms. Houston rolling in her grave. She strained against the notes, lost the timing, and looked like a lost little birdy abandoned by her mama in a blizzard. And then there was the transition. By god, the transition was a spectacular display of squeaking and shouting that reverberated through my surround sound speakers with all the subtlety of a screaming banshee. Just not good at all. The judges looked terrified by this. You could tell that they all wanted to die – just die – at the realization that their honesty would crush this child. Finally, J. Lo put on that sad mama’s face of hers and said, “Sweet baby, I think the thinking got the best of you in that song.” And then Uncle Steven actually said the words, “You kind of crashed and burned in the turn-around.” Uncle Steven! I never expected that from you.
Yo Rating: Yo!
Deandre Brackensick – “Master Blaster”
With his hair pulled back in a sensible bun, Deandre had to cut back on the hairography and just be awesome. During Deandre’s mentoring session, MJB urged him to really belt out the song instead of singing everything in his eerily high-pitched falsetto. It was good advice. Deandre didn’t nail everything, but he nailed just enough to keep me on the edge of my seat. That boy is so fearless when he sings, transitioning through various vocal gymnastics and still managing to do his funny, bouncy dance all over the stage. The judges all agreed that they didn’t want Deandre’s performance to ever stop, and this young man may have given America a reason to vote for him.
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Skylar Laine – “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?”
This little slice of American pie is rapidly becoming my favorite contestant, and – shock of all shocks! – she’s a country music singer! That feisty spark boiling on Skylar’s surface makes her a very compelling performer. And by golly, that girl can sing! MJB and Jimmy gave Skylar some useful advice about holding back on the notes to deliver a chill-inducing lilt instead of an all-out blast. MJB was so charmed by Skylar. I thought it was adorable. As J. Lo noted, Skylar was a little shaky in the beginning, but all of that dropped by the wayside when she dug into the real meat of the song. The girl oozed charisma, and she sounded like a real star. Randy was all like, “I can’t believe all of these kids that can sing more than one song! This is fascinating!”
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Heejun Han – “All in Love is Fair”
Ryan thinks that Heejun’s Twitter account is the funniest thing ever. Our pint-sized host gets so giddy sometimes, doesn’t he? This gave Heejun an opportunity to say the following: “So I just grabbed a bite of Hollie. When Deandre’s around, I just wanna eat a bunch of noodles.” Oh, no, Heejun, grab one bite of Hollie, and she’ll be GONE. As payback to Jimmy for saying all those mean things about him last Thursday, Heejun brought autographed photos of himself for the industry troll and MJB. His letter to Jimmy, aside from spelling his name wrong (Ivine, instead of Iovine), was nice. But then MJB revealed that hers said, “Mary, I love you more than Jimmy.” Anyone willing to pick on Jimmy Iovine is OK in my book. Heejun’s performance was pretty good. I thought the beginning was a bit of a struggle, but he managed to pull it together. Heejun doesn’t have the most powerful voice in the competition, but he has a lovely grip on dynamics. “I love you,” J. Lo gushed, but Heejun still took her to task for hugging Jeremy on Thursday and not him. Lovey, that’s because Jer-Bear is the cuddliest person in the world. Don’t take it personally. Randy summed the performance up as “not perfect, but really good.” I wouldn’t call this Heejun’s best performance, but I still love him.
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo! Yo!
Hollie Cavanaugh – “All the Man That I Need”
Season 11’s delightful woodland creature is at the top of my list with Skylar Laine. Both girls are pint-sized, freaking awesome, and pack a vocal punch that could slay the competition. MJB assisted Hollie with her projection and got so excited by the improvement that she made an embarrassing little hiccup sound and started laughing maniacally. OMG, I totally need to hang out with MJB. I never realized we had so much in common. When Hollie started singing, the first thought that came to my mind was, “Holy guacamole, this sprite sounds like Celine!” Doesn’t she? DOESN’T SHE? For such a fragile looking fairy, Hollie contains a multitude of power. If she wins the season, she could be the first American Idol with the voice of a diva and the face of a Disney fairy tale princess. I’m just a little obsessed. HOLLIE AND SKYLAR FOREVER! “So let me just say this, Man,” Randy said, exhibiting his inability to tell one gender from the next, “you nailed it.” And that got Uncle Steven so, SO excited. He was practically bouncing in his seat for the chance to say, “You’ve been nailin’ it every single time.” Uncle Steven! Stop that!
Jeremy Rosado – “Ribbons in the Sky”
Oh, Jer-Bear, bless him, really wants to please America. He went on and on to Jimmy and MJB about how he wants to earn America’s votes now since he didn’t get enough votes last week. I have an idea for soliciting votes, Jeremy.
I think Jeremy was a little too nervous during his performance. He sounded good, but he didn’t hit me with the emotional wallop he packed last week. By the end, he really pulled out some tricks, though. I’m not sure if it will be enough to keep on the show, especially considering that he got a series of strange abbreviated critiques from the judges. I don’t understand. The episode actually ended ahead of time. What was the big rush? Poor Jer-Bear.
Jessica Sanchez – “I Will Always Love You”
Oh, goodness gracious. Do we have a little Pia Toscano on our hands? If Whitney hadn’t JUST died a couple weeks ago, and Jennifer Hudson hadn’t JUST given a lovely tribute of this song at the Grammy’s, my bar probably wouldn’t have been set so high for young Jessica. Of course, no one stopped her on her one-woman march to Idol Infamy. And if I was like the rest of them, I could appreciate Jessica for the lovely vocal performance she gave. It was lovely. She has a gorgeous voice. However, Jessica somehow managed to suck all of the passion out of that song and made it look and sound like something from a beauty pageant. An upscale beauty pageant, of course. But a beauty pageant just the same. My cats have more soul than Jessica projected in that song. I could put Marshmallow up in front of fan, and his meowing for food would have a greater emotional impact on me than Jessica’s performance. And you’re thinking, “Why is Rachel so worked up about this perfectly adequate performance?” And I tell you, Dawg, that I wouldn’t be worked up at all if the judges hadn’t pretended that the performance marked the second coming of Whitney Houston. And then the male judges started some creepy talk that made it sound like they were celebrating her eighteenth birthday. “Jessica Sanchez is legit!” Randy announced. And then Uncle Steven, sweet, dumb Uncle Steven, earnestly said, “Jessica, you may be the one.” Ew, guys. This is a family show!
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Phillip Phillips, Jr. – “Superstition”
Phil has an advantage over the other contestants. That advantage is being so strange that Jimmy Iovine can’t process any reasons to interfere with his choices. His mentoring session just consisted of Jimmy being like, “So Phil’s ready to go. Nothing to say here. He’s good.” And really, what could Jimmy have suggested to improve Phil’s re-imagined version of “Superstition”? There was some cool, crisp guitar playing and a horn section. Everything was laid-back, unique and very PHIL. And while that Southern cutie played his guitar and growl-sang into the microphone, a little light bulb went off in my head. I suddenly GOT Phil Phillips. But just like Uncle Steven, I can’t find the words to explain WHY I get Phil Phillips. “There’s no words for it. You just are. Do you understand? You’re very welcome.” What does that even MEAN, Uncle Steven? Is he auditioning to become a fortune cookie?
Yo Rating: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Randy’s Mystery Pin
The silly thing held my attention all night because it was bloody huge and right there. But what was it? The shrunken head of a murder victim? Betty Boop? Sonny Bono? Click here for Randy’s explanation. As expected, he didn’t answer any of my questions. What are your theories?
My Entirely Non-Scientific Prediction
I’m thinking Jeremy will be the lowest vote-getter for the guys and Shannon for the girls. If the judges choose by quality, Shannon will go home. If they choose with the intention of keeping the girls in the competition as long as they can before America starts executing them, then Jer-Bear’s a goner.
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