Friday, March 16, 2012

Songs from the Year You Were Born: "Apparently, I was a carb lover."

Okay, Dawgs. I can’t move on with this recap without addressing the 8-foot (Formerly) Gentle Giant in the room. He’s been growling and kicking up dirt since yesterday morning, and it’s seriously time for him to GO. So, unlike American “Let’s Draw Things out until We Regain Every Last Cent of Our Investment” Idol, I’ll start with the bad/good news first. Jermaine Jones, the man who cries three tears and washes out an entire village, was disqualified from the show. Strangely, the whole awkward process of telling Jermain buh-bye was captured on camera and aired for all of America to shake their heads in condemnation or sadness. It actually made me feel a little sorry for Jermaine. How would you feel to walk into a room with two disapproving British men and have your embarrassing past revealed on camera? There sat Nigel Lythgoe and Ken Warwick, frowny faces at the ready, reading Jermaine’s outstanding charges to the man like he needed a review of his own criminal record. Ken was all like, “Bloody hell, chap, we have lots of kids come to us with problems. We accept them all like our own bleeding children. But you lied, Mr. Jones. You lied, and I can’t associate with liars.” And Jermaine knew he was totally doomed. He made a half-hearted attempt to explain away the violent crime and then was all, “I didn’t want you to judge me.” And Nigel was like, “You’ve put us in a very awful position. Just the worst. Law enforcement officials want you, and we can’t legally keep you on the show. So I’m sorry to say that we’ll be letting you go.”

Biggest surprise of the night? Jermaine didn’t cry a single tear. Nuts of wonder, he about blew a lid and took out half the audience when the judges gave his performance mild criticism last week. But when the producers basically told him that he was probably going to jail, Jermaine barely even flinched. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I know the whole Gentle Giant thing was a producer-manipulated act, but is it possible all the tears were an act, too? Wow, Jermaine, feel my American disapproval through the computer screen. Sadly, we never got to watch Jermaine’s full performance of “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tail. It probably would have been awesome. Unfortunately, lying convicts cannot prosper on America’s favorite singing competition.

As Ryan said, “When you’re doing a live show, anything can happen. THIS … is American Idol!”

The Top 11 Sing Horrible Songs from the Years They Were Born
You know, there are a lot of songs released every year. Why in Ryan Seacrest’s name did this season’s batch of Pretty Young Things struggle to find any good songs? Even Randy couldn’t believe they were all collectively so dumb!

Phil Phillips Jr. – “Hard to Handle” (1990)
So this kid’s always sick, isn’t he? His parents talked about how he was born with “dead bowels” or something and almost died as a baby. He’s fine now, by the way. Just in case you were worrying. Then last week, Phil had surgery because of complications with his kidney stones. I hope he feels better soon because he looked very pale last night. I enjoyed Phil’s performance. He’s dependably consistent in his strange ways, and I like that. And really, his face always looks funny while singing, so his pain wasn’t too obvious. The judges loved it, of course, fascinated by the ease with which Phil performs. “It just comes out of you … It’s all over you,” J. Lo said, presumably referring to the music in him. (I hope.)

Jessica Sanchez – “Turn the Beat Around” (1995)
Did I mention that Will.i.am is squatting at Idol headquarters again? He is! Last year, he lingered around for at least three months or so. I felt like he’d never leave. He LOVED Jessica so much that he gave her a nickname, “Swaggernaut,” and this is the last time I’ll ever mention it. I don’t care HOW many times Ryan uses it. When Jessica was a baby, she was a bit of a nightmare. “I was such a little diva,” she laughed, and then her parents were like, “She was the worst. EVER. She used to make herself cry hard enough to faint. F my life.” So this song was a bit of a mess for young Jessica; it didn’t fit her at all. Vocally, she sounded great, but as Uncle Steven and J. Lo noted, her rhythms were all off. And on the subject of Uncle Steven, whoa Nelly! Did he take Clarity Pills last night? Some of his critiques were downright biting. “Sometimes you strayed from the rhythm, which was a little shady,” he told Jessica. Shady. SHADY? Like Jessica was beating down acquaintances on the street with Jermaine Jones? Freaking awesome, Uncle Steven. After receiving her first ever wrist-slap from the judges, Jessica complained to Ryan that she didn’t have a great choice of songs. Girl, please! I just Googled “songs from 1995” and found about ten songs I could sing on command on the Billboard Top 100 list.

Heejun Han – “Right Here Waiting” (1989)
Heejun may be the only person on Earth to cause Will.i.am to swell up with righteous indignation. Settle down, Will.iam! All Heejun wanted was Fergie’s number. Granted, I can’t imagine a person in their right mind who would WANT Fergie’s number for real. But I digress. It pains me to admit that this song was a huge blunder for Heejun. He sounded breathy throughout, and his pitch was sorely off for the first half of the song. I’ll give him credit for pulling it together near the end, but overall, this was probably Heejun’s worst performance to date. It was nice of him to sing to his girlfriend (20% to J. Lo and 10% to Fergie), though. I like it when Idol reminds us that these kids are real people with real girlfriends and feelings.

Elise Testone – “Let’s Stay Together” (1983)
According to her parents, Elise was a little hellion as a child. Her mom once had to save her from the ocean. Elise has never been the same since. Determined to hit the stage with a new positive attitude, Elise chose a song that fit her like a glove. She assured America that her performance would put people in the mood to make babies. Ew, Elise. Stop that. Great performance, though. Her rasp and control were on full display, and I like the way she built on the song. The judges loved it, and Randy about went crazy screaming, “Elise is back!” For the 82nd time this season, he compared a contestant to Janis Joplin, and no. That doesn’t fit. Stop trying to put random people in your Janis box, Randy.

DeAndre Brackensick – “Endless Love” (1994)
BWAHAHAHAHA! This song, Jimmy Iovine? REALLY? Poor DeAndre. DeAndre’s first choice was to sing “Can You Feel the Love Tonight,” but Will.i.am was all, “Hell to the no!” And then DeAndre got saddled with a song he clearly didn’t know. These poor kids have no balls when they come up against that creepster in a baseball cap. Fight for your rights, DeAndre! Dressed as an Oxford professor in a strange tan suit, DeAndre looked uncomfortable singing the Vandross/Carey hit. The only reason I know this song is because my mother LOVED this sappy music back in the Nineties, and since I spent almost all of my time with her, that music is now permanently engrained in my mind. But DeAndre was just a sapling when “Endless Love” came out, and I doubt he felt like he was missing much. The judges clearly felt sorry for him, but DeAndre took it like a little man and didn’t blame Jimmy for his despair. I would have blamed Jimmy. Always blame Jimmy.

Shannon Magrane – “One Fine Day” (1995)
When Will.i.am tells a contestant, “You’re going to fail,” that contestant should probably take note. God love Shannon and her determination to practice breathing and singing on her back. She’s an earnest young giant, that one. After last week’s Whitney debacle, Shannon definitely sounded better. She didn’t sound particularly GOOD, but most 16-year-olds don’t when they try to emulate Mariah. The song was a little too ambitious for her. The judges enjoyed the performance, though. I think Randy was just excited to name-drop Mariah again. He LOVES name-dropping that diva.

Colton Dixon – “Broken Heart” (1991)
Colton was very proud of choosing an obscure song for his performance. I haven’t jumped on the Colton bandwagon yet, but if I ever do, I suppose that might impress me someday. The skunk-haired rocker used to play baseball but ended up quitting to pursue his music. I love how the contestants had the foresight to make these BIG DECISIONS at the age when most of us can’t choose between chicken nuggets and grilled cheese on a menu. Okay, then, Colton. His voice, while still nasally, sounded much better this week than last week. He sang on pitch for the most part and worked the stage with his skinny chicken legs. Nuts of wonder, that boy’s legs. I eat a piece of toast, and it goes straight to my thighs. Colton could probably eat all of Joshua’s crawfish and not gain a pound. J. Lo and Randy approved of the performance, but Uncle Steven once again turned strangely critical. He thought the song was “wrong for his voice and passion.”

Erika Van Pelt – “Heaven” (1985)
1985 is the best year EVER! Yay, Erika! Her goal was to infuse some rock and roll into the poppy Bryan Adams tune. I thought she did a nice job. Erika is consistent like Phil. Her voice never fails to distinguish her from the competition. But Uncle Steven (OMG) wasn’t feeling it (OMG). “I think you were too busy all over it,” he complained. Then J. Lo took the opportunity to make a Janis comparison, and seriously, I want to throw that comparison out a twenty-storey window.

Skylar Laine – “Love’s Sneaking Up on You” (1994)
As a child, Skylar used to bang her head on everything – sidewalks, walls, the whole shebang. Fortunately, all that head trauma hasn’t made her any dumber. When Jimmy and Will.i.am started throwing different song choices at her, Skylar was just like, “Mmm, no. I’ll stick with my choice. K, thanks.” GOOD CHOICE, SKYLAR! Sure, this wasn’t her most riveting performance, but the girl really shines in her country/rock genre. “If I gotta keep it real, I gotta say that you killed it,” J. Lo raved after the performance. It’s hard not to fall in love with Skylar Laine.

Joshua Ledet – “When a Man Loves a Woman” (1992)
Before I get to Joshua’s OMG! Stellar performance, let’s talk crawfish. Ryan Seacrest gives the best freaking gifts. Joshua’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. And how about those poor tween girls they dragged up on stage? They couldn’t even muster the slightest bit of false enthusiasm about the crawfish. It’s like they expected the crawfish to come back to life and pinch out their eyeballs. I love how Joshua’s mom admitted that she wouldn’t let him sing in church because he was a “rascal.” At the age of 12, his dad finally gave in, and Joshua’s been singing ever since. Now, most times when Will.i.am goes GAGA over a contestant, I’m skeptical. This time, however, Idol’s resident squatter hit the nail on the head. Joshua sang the living hell out of that song. Halfway through the performance, he stripped off his jacket, and I won’t lie, I was worried that the show would take a dark turn at that moment. BUT IT DIDN’T. YOUR CHILD’S EYES ARE STILL SAFE! When the judges stood as Joshua hit the big part, it was obvious that the Southern gospel singer had nabbed the night’s Moment™. It even returned Uncle Steven to his old, incomprehensible ways. “You gave it up so big, God came through your eyes, man.” Do you think Uncle Steven sees things that the rest of us don’t see? Like ghosts? And Randy Jackson’s worth as a judge on Idol?

Hollie Cavanaugh – “The Power of Love” (1993)
Hollie’s parents are seriously the most awesome people. First, her dad introduced HIMSELF as “Hollie Cavanaugh,” which launched his wife and him into an adorable British giggle fit. Then her mom busted Hollie for being a sloppy mess, and her dad mentioned that HER BATHROOM IS THE WORST. OMG. He mentioned Hollie’s toilet place on TV. Best parents ever! So Hollie chose a Celine Dion song, which worked for her because she sounds remarkably similar to the French-Canadian chanteuse. It still floors me when that huge voice comes out of Hollie’s miniature sprite body. Will.i.am accused her of carrying amplifiers in her pockets, but that can’t be. Hollie’s so tiny that her pockets are probably the size of houseflies. What kind of amplifier would fit in them? There were a few minor issues, including the botched final note. I think she psyched herself up too much for it and ended up straining a bit. But overall, Hollie’s definitely one to watch. Randy thought she “blew it out the box,” and the English language cried another single tear over his destruction of it.

The Results

I’m sorry. I’M SORRY. I had a really crazy day yesterday and didn’t finish my recap. Then I missed the results show. So this is what I’m going to do, and you have to believe me because people are always honest on the Internet. (LOL)

My predictions for the Bottom 3 (without watching the results show, I swear) are: Heejun, DeAndre, and Shannon. I honestly can’t figure out who went home, but I don’t think it was Heejun. His personality will probably get him by for a few weeks.

So let’s see if my predictions are even close! *Scampers off to read results on EW.com*


Complimentary kitten video for your wait
*Scampers back*

And … Shannon’s a goner. Well, that wasn’t surprising AT ALL. However … WHAT THE HELL, AMERICA? Why do we hate women in their mid to late 20’s? Elise and Erika did not deserve to be in the bottom 3. Nuts of WONDER.

So that’s how the fat lady sang and all that jazz. I promise to return to my regular format next week. I PROMISE. How do you feel about the results? Why does America hate women of my age? I need to know!

Have a great weekend, Dawgs! And remember, if you commit a crime, tell the police your real name. If you give a fake name, DON’T GO ON AMERICAN IDOL!

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